How To Opt Out Of The Drama Triangle And Take Responsibility

Drama triangle, also called the victim triangle was developed as a social model in 1968 by a psychologist named Stephen Karpman. Karpman’s drama triangle is a powerful framework to understand the dysfunctional roles we adopt to deal with the conflict.  

Each role in the drama triangle, victim, persecutor, rescuer represents our state of mind, how we think and the way we act when dealing with differences of opinion or disagreements with our own self or others. 

The flawed thinking that we adopt stems from an internal desire to be right – right in how we feel, what  we do and how we expect others to behave. The strong belief in the righteousness of our state leads to destructive interactions that drains our energy and devoids us from taking responsibility and creating possibility of a better life for ourselves and others.

Drama triangle provides an escape path to hide our underlying feelings and prevent us from addressing our real problems. Provoked by a personal conflict, the dysfunctional drama arises from latching on to one of the roles of the drama triangle that binds us in a co-dependency trap as we switch across the different roles of the triangle. 

To learn how to shift the dynamics from drama to empowerment, it’s critical to understand the different roles of the drama triangle and the psychology that puts people in these states. 

How does the drama triangle work?

All human beings have different psychological needs – desire to grow, to be appreciated, sense of belonging, progress towards a purpose, being cared for, flexibility in choices etc. 

When any of our core needs are not met, we unconsciously take on a role in the drama triangle with a desire to manage the conflict without realising that there’s a substantial cost of staying in these states as opposed to recognising them, taking measures to break the patterns and opt out of them.  

We switch multiple roles throughout our life without noticing that we are caught up in the drama triangle. Let’s go into the psychology of each role in the drama triangle: 

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#1 Playing a victim: “This is happening to me” 

Person playing a victim role believes they are “at the effect of” a person or situation. The belief that someone or something else beyond their control is responsible for their situation prevents them from taking responsibility for their own condition and deny the power to change their circumstances. 

Being a victim is different from being vulnerable. A vulnerable person does not lose control of their condition. They recognise it and fight back to get out of that state. A victim on the other hand thinks they cannot do anything to influence or change their state. 

The feeling of being victimised by a person or a situation builds an external dependency beyond their reach. Lack of authority and willingness to take charge of their own life and its circumstances makes them rely on others to solve their problems. 

People with narcissist or other personality disorders also tend to act as victims. Instead of taking responsibility, they prefer to be miserable.

Some of the common phrases that people in victim role say to themselves and others are:

• Why does this happen to me?
• Poor me
• I cannot do anything about it
• It’s beyond my control
• I have to live with it
• I am not responsible for how things turned out
• I feel helpless
• I am in desperate need of someone who can get me out of it 
• If only others cared for me

#2 A persecutor or villain: “It’s all your fault” 

A persecutor or a villain has a tendency to control, blame and threaten others living with a false sense of superiority. They put on a grandiose act in an attempt to hide their fear of failure and get defensive when things do not work out the way they anticipated. 

They seek rescue by pinpointing problems and directing others as the primary cause of those problems. The validation of their beliefs come from seeking a victim (situation or a person) to hold accountable for their problems and trying to manipulate them in working their way. 

The propensity to blame others for their situation may cause others to take on a role of a victim feeling powerless and at the mercy of the persecutor.  

A persecutor uses these common phrases to justify their act:

• If only you would have done what I told you
• I would not be delayed if you kept your commitments
• I did not expect this from you
• I should have known better
• I should have never trusted you
• She did not do her job and now I have to suffer

#3 Being the hero or rescuer: “I need to save others”

The hero or rescuer establishes their own sense of well being through others. They feel good and worthwhile about themselves by helping others and in the process neglect their own needs.

The mindset that drives their action is not one of genuine care for others, but rather a desire to feel good about themselves by being in the act. 

They thrive on victims by validating their perspective and reconfirming and reaffirming their state. As a result, they promote dependency instead of empowering the victim and helping them to take responsibility for themselves. 

The sad part about this state is that while the victim thinks the rescuer will get them out of this state, they actually derail them from improving by constantly providing help. 

Since the rescuer does not address the underlying root cause of the problem and only solves it superficially, they wait for the issue to occur again to uplift their feel good factor by getting a chance to rescue again. 

A rescuer encourages victim mindset by using these phrases:

• I agree with you
• I think so too
• Yes, you are right
• Let me help you

How can we break drama triangle and assume responsibility

Our environment and upbringing play a huge role in determining how we manage conflicts and whether or not we choose to participate in the drama as a means to resolve the conflict. 

Lack of self awareness can prevent us from realising the cost of staying in the triangle and how it impacts our well being and happiness in the long run. 

Stephen R. Covey describes why self-awareness is so important in his book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People

Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviours, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind.

You can take control of your life by following these 3 steps to opt out from the drama triangle: 

1. Acceptance and willingness 

The first step in improving anything is to acknowledge it and take responsibility for actions that have led you to this situation. 

Willingness to accept the contribution of your own actions can shift the mindset to see a different reality – what you see, how you perceive others, how you think and why you choose to react. 

Now that you understand the different roles of the drama triangle, demonstrate your willingness to change by saying this out loud:

• I am willing to explore whether I adopt these roles
• I want to learn when I fall into their trap
• I believe they are damaging for my health and relationships
• I am committed to bring about a change for myself and others

2. Learn to recognise patterns in drama triangle 

Just by crossing the barrier to be more open, we can give permission to our mind to form new connections and discover new realities. 

Think of the last few interactions which left you with feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, fear, loneliness, powerless, rage. Now play out the conversation in your mind and examine which role from the drama triangle do you see yourself playing. How did others engage with you – did they take on a victim, rescuer, persecutor role as well or kept themselves away from it?

Thinking of the past interactions with your children, spouse, friends, family and colleagues will help you recognise patterns that unconsciously give way to drama. It’s also a good way to establish a different perspective of the situation from the one you originally envisioned. 

Slow down and take time to go through this phase. Replaying the scenario may bring back some of the painful emotions, but letting yourself go through them with openness and the desire to learn will carve a path to break out of the drama triangle. 

3. Set boundaries and consciously withdraw 

Easier said than done. It requires questioning our very thoughts and beliefs that have gotten us so far in life. But what if the same beliefs and opinions are now holding us back. 

When dealing with a conflict, our natural tendency is to act on the first thought that comes to our mind. To consciously withdraw from acting out of a place from the drama triangle, locate yourself, argue against your choice and try to determine it’s second and third order consequences. Question your beliefs and ask “what if the reverse is true?”

Shift from drama to empowerment by following these practices: 

Out of victim role to creator: From problem to problem solving 

Move from victim attitude “I need help” to one of a creator “I believe in myself and can take responsibility for my own experience”.

Change your orientation by consciously shifting your mindset from the problem to the outcome you desire by following these steps:

1. Write down your goals. Clearly state the results you want to achieve. 
2. Think hard about how you can achieve them yourself without help from others. Look for your strengths.
3. Now apply inversion mental model and identify what prevents you from achieving these goals
4. Remove the roadblocks and take small steps in the direction of your goals. Remember motivation comes from action, not procrastination. 

Out of rescuer role to coach: From creating dependency to enabling self responsibility

First step to shift from a rescuer role is to accept that your work is not selfless, it does more harm than good to others and it’s damaging to your own self. 

Now to move from rescuer to coaching mindset believe that people can take care of their own. Shift from creating dependency to enabling self responsibility, from providing solutions to letting them find their own solutions, from supporting victim mindset to encouraging a creator.  

Act as a coach – listen actively, empower others, encourage them to not give up and help them learn from mistakes.

Out of persecutor role to challenger: From blame to assertiveness

Move from persecutor “blaming others” to a challenger “being assertive”. Learn to take responsibility and accountability for your situation by taking things under your own control and challenge others to do the same. 

When dealing with a conflict, express your thoughts and opinions without intimidating others, learn the art of negotiation to create win-win solutions, manage your priorities and expectations by saying no to activities that does not align with your goals, give constructive feedback to others and be open to seek the same feedback to learn how others perceive you. 

In summary, set boundaries for yourself, consciously watch your behaviour, reflect on which roles you assume, how do others participate in it, how do you feel afterwards, what can you change about your situation and how can others help. This form of powerful questioning and self reflection can shift the mindset from seeking drama to awareness which can then enable you to make the shift.

Recommended Reading

Free drama triangle workbook

This workbook provides step-by-step guidance with instructions and worksheets to help you identify your prominent role in the drama triangle, recognise patterns of this behaviour and then enable you to consciously opt out of it.

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Examples of drama triangle at work

Teaching the significance of opting out of the Karpman’s drama triangle at work is of crucial importance since it moves the culture of the organisation from finding problems to creating solutions, blaming to self accountability, providing destructive to sharing constructive feedback, being dependent on others to taking responsibility for one’s own growth. 

I will share a few examples to help you understand how drama triangle plays out in day-to-day work and how you can enable yourself and others to opt out of it. 

Feedback from manager to their direct report

Manager plays the role of the persecutor when she blames her direct report for not performing well. Providing feedback in a manner that puts the entire responsibility of failure on their direct report makes them assume the role of a victim. The reportee feels that they are at the mercy of the manager who decides what they must work on, how they perform and what rating they get. 

When employees feel victimised, they stop making an effort to improve. They may even seek validation of their feelings by discussing it with other team members who then act as rescuers by confirming their emotions. 

So a manager who acts as a persecutor turns their team members into victims who then finds other team members to act as rescuers. 

This happens over and over again until one of them decides to break the pattern and assume responsibility. It can be the manager who does not act as persecutor by assuming responsibility for their direct reports failure and working with them to find ways to improve instead of blaming them for not achieving their goals. It can be the direct report who gets the feedback, but decides to not act as a victim and instead take responsibility for their situation and finds ways to get better. It can also be other team members who do not become rescuers but instead encourage the person feeling victimised to find solutions on their own. 

Handling conflict at work

When a team member blames another team in a cross functional team collaboration for not finishing their work on time causing the entire project to get delayed, they take on the role of a persecutor. The manager then acts as the rescuer by giving solutions instead of empowering them to solve this on their own. The other team may feel victimised as the manager intervenes to fix the situation. 

People adopt “my team” vs “your team” attitude impacting relationships and productivity. 

Such conflicts are quite common at work. Teaching the drama triangle in day-to-day work and enabling people to opt out of it requires asking some of these really good questions:

1. What are they trying to achieve in this conflict?
2. How do they know they are right?
3. Which role do they see themselves playing in the drama triangle?
4. What can they do to take things under control?
5. How would they resolve the conflict themselves?
6. Have they considered other people’s point of view?
7. What if the opposite of what they think is true?

I hope you will make an effort to recognise how drama impacts your relationships and shift from drama to empowerment at work and in your life. 

Share your experience in the comments below or write to me.