Difficult people can pull you into their chaos without even trying—their tone, their urgency, their moods, their criticism. If you’re not grounded, you’ll get swept into reacting on their terms instead of responding on yours. 

Staying centered protects your clarity, your confidence and your emotional space. It keeps you from mirroring their behavior or getting hooked by their intensity. When you stay in control of your state, their behavior loses its power to derail you.

Practice these 5 core skills to stay steady when they’re chaotic, calm when they’re reactive and confident when they try to push your limits.

Emotionally detach → “Separate the person from the problem”

When dealing with difficult people, emotional detachment is the skill that helps you separate their behavior from your worth, your mood and your identity. It’s the ability to stay steady when someone else is being reactive, rude, dismissive, demanding or dramatic.

Difficult personalities often pull you into their emotional world—frustration, urgency, negativity, blame. Emotional detachment acts like a buffer. It lets you observe the situation instead of absorbing it. You stop taking their tone personally and start seeing the pattern behind it.

Emotional detachment doesn’t make you passive. It makes you effective. It creates the breathing room you need to choose a smart, calm response even when the other person is doing everything they can to get a reaction out of you.

It’s about what happens inside you. It protects your inner world.

• Staying anchored
• Reducing emotional charge
• Not taking behavior personally
• Preventing emotional hijack

Use these 5 ways to practice emotional detachment:

• Shift your mental lens from “This is about me” to “This is how they operate.” Most difficult behavior is about others’ stress, habits, insecurities or patterns, not your worth or competence. When triggered, silently say: “This is their behavior, not my identity.”
• Create a mental glass wall when someone’s tone or words feel sharp. Imagine placing a glass wall between you and them. You can hear them, understand them, but their emotions can’t hit you. The wall goes up before they even speak.
• Turn down the internal volume. People can speak loudly or harshly, but you can choose to internally “turn down the sound.” Picture a volume knob and mentally dial it from a 10 → 4. You can still hear them, just without the intensity.
• Switch to observer mode. Switch from reacting emotionally to observing neutrally. Think in statements like “They’re stressed” “They’re speaking quickly” “They’re repeating their point.” This keeps you in observer mode, not absorber mode.
• Choose consciously what is not yours. After the interaction, ask yourself: “Is this mine to hold?” If not, picture placing their emotion in a box and sliding it away. Detachment grows when you consciously release what doesn’t belong to you.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries

Keep a neutral tone → “Speak calm, stay calm”

When people become defensive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or emotional, your voice can either escalate the moment or calm it. A steady, even tone signals clarity, confidence, and control without inviting further conflict. It prevents the other person from feeding off emotional cues and helps you maintain authority without sounding harsh or reactive. 

A neutral tone also creates psychological space, allowing you to respond thoughtfully instead of being pulled into someone else’s emotional intensity.

This is about how you sound, which directly shapes how the other person responds. It regulates the temperature of the interaction.

• Calms the conversation
• Prevents escalation
• Signals steadiness, not defensiveness
• Reduces pushback or aggression

Use these 4 ways to maintain a neutral tone:

• Slow your pace by 10–15%. Speaking slightly slower than usual naturally softens your tone and reduces emotional leakage. When you feel triggered, your natural instinct is to speak faster. Deliberately slowing counters this.
• Drop your volume just one level. Not whispering, just enough to sound grounded. Lower volume = higher control. Loud voices invite matching energy; soft, steady voices disarm it.
• End sentences with downward intonation. Rising intonation (“You didn’t send the report?”) sounds anxious or unsure. Downward intonation (“You didn’t send the report.”) conveys calm certainty. Practice the difference out loud.
• Use short, steady phrases. Long, emotional sentences build intensity. Shorter phrases reduce escalation. Practice these: “I understand.” “Let’s look at this step-by-step.” “Here’s what we can do next.”

Your volume speaks volumes. Be aware of your dynamics, your tones as well as the loudness and softness of your voice on the phone and in person.
― Loren Weisman

Use assertive body language → “Lead with your posture”

When dealing with difficult people, your body speaks before your words do. Most tense interactions escalate not because of what you say, but because of how your posture, movement and facial expressions are interpreted. Difficult people often test boundaries, push buttons or try to dominate the interaction. 

Your body language becomes a non-negotiable anchor that signals you are not intimidated, you are not surrendering and you are not escalating. It shows presence without aggression and confidence without confrontation.

This is about how you carry yourself. It communicates boundaries and confidence without saying a word.

• Standing tall
• Using steady gestures
• Avoiding defensive postures
• Looking grounded and confident

Use these 5 ways to use assertive body language:

• Stand or sit tall. Roll shoulders back and down. Loosen your jaw. Align your spine. This trains your nervous system to associate upright posture with safety and groundedness. Slumping signals submission; collapsing inward invites more pressure.
• Practice with your voice. Say any sentence (e.g., “Let me think about that.”) at 70% of your usual speed. This conditions your voice to stay calm even when your mind speeds up. Repetition builds the pattern.
• Relax your facial expression. Relax your eyebrows, soften your eyes, unclench your jaw. Practice in front of a mirror so you know what your neutral, approachable expression looks like. Tightness in the face reads as aggression or anxiety to the other person.
• Still your hands. Place one hand lightly over the other. This removes subconscious agitation—tapping, fidgeting, crossing arms—that signals nervousness or defensiveness even when you’re not feeling either.
• Ground your feet. In conversations where someone becomes difficult, gently plant both feet on the ground. Feel the contact. Stable body → stable presence. This simple act interrupts the physical stress response.

When our body language is confident and open, other people respond in kind, unconsciously reinforcing not only their perception of us but also our perception of ourselves.
― Amy Cuddy, Presence

Pause before you speak →  “Be intentional, not impulsive”

When you’re dealing with difficult people, the difference between reacting and responding can completely shift the direction of the interaction. Reactions are quick, emotional and automatic, often fueled by frustration, hurt or stress. Responses are intentional, grounded and thoughtful. They come from awareness, not impulse. Reacting drains your energy. Responding protects your energy.

Reacting looks like:

• Snapping back
• Shutting down
• Avoiding
• Taking it personally

Reacting is the mind’s attempt to protect you. When you feel disrespected, ignored, criticized or threatened, your brain jumps into fight, flight or freeze, often within seconds.

This is why you might:

• Snap at someone
• Shut down
• Over-explain
• Feel defensive
• Say something you regret
• Withdraw or replay the moment all day

These reactions are normal. But in a workplace context, they often create more conflict instead of resolving the existing one.

Responding looks like:

• Speaking slower
• Asking questions
• Staying factual
• Keeping tone neutral

Responding is a learned skill. It means creating a pause between the trigger and your action. You don’t need to suppress your feelings. You need to choose what to do with them.

A response usually:

• Acknowledges emotion without letting it take over
• Considers the outcome you want
• Stays aligned with your values
• Keeps the conversation constructive
• Protects your boundaries without escalating tension

Responding is calm but not passive. It is firm but not aggressive. It is clarity instead of reactivity.

Learning to respond instead of react is about creating a small but powerful pause between what happens and what you do next. A small pause interrupts the emotional momentum. Even a 2–5 second pause shifts your brain from fight-or-flight to problem-solving mode. This gives you a chance to choose clarity over chaos.

Use these 3 pause tools during difficult interactions. These tools strengthen your ability to stay grounded, stable and thoughtful, even when others are not.

The 10-second trick

The ten-second trick is a simple but effective technique to interrupt the automatic response before it escalates by creating a pause between feeling strong emotions and reacting to them. It allows your mind to cool down, giving you a chance to respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively. It involves pausing for ten seconds, allowing you to gain control over your reactions instead of being controlled by them.

1. Notice the trigger: Recognize the signs—a racing heart, clenched fists or heated thoughts.
2. Pause and breathe: Take a slow, deep breath and count to ten in your mind. Focus entirely on the count or your breath.
3. Shift focus: Use those ten seconds to redirect your mind to something neutral or calming, like the feel of your feet on the ground or a soothing image.
4. Reassess: After the pause, ask yourself: Is this worth your energy? What’s the best way to respond? Are you making assumptions here?

Name the emotion

When you feel overwhelmed, silently name the emotion you’re experiencing. Labeling reduces emotional intensity. When your brain identifies a feeling, the emotional centers calm down and the thinking centers activate. This creates clarity and reduces reactivity.

1. Pause the moment you feel tension rising.
2. Name the emotion silently to yourself.
   • I’m feeling irritated.
   • I’m feeling pressured.
   • I’m feeling defensive.
   • This is making me anxious.

   3. Take one breath before speaking. You don’t have to say it out loud. The power is in the recognition.

The breath & hold method

This technique uses controlled breathing to shift your body out of a reactive, fight-or-flight state and into a more grounded one. The brief “hold” in the middle gives your nervous system a moment to settle, allowing your mind to catch up with the moment.

1. Inhale slowly through your nose for 4–5 seconds. Let your stomach rise. Avoid shallow chest breathing.
2. Hold your breath gently for 2–3 seconds. This brief stillness interrupts your body’s stress momentum.
3. Exhale fully through your mouth for 5–6 seconds. Release tension from your shoulders, jaw and hands.
4. Repeat 2–3 times or until your body feels less charged.

The pattern: Inhale 4–5s  →  Hold 2–3s  →  Exhale 5–6s  →  Repeat 2–3 times

The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

Prepare Before You Walk In → “Get ready before it gets hard”

The anxiety before a difficult interaction is often worse than the interaction itself. Your mind starts rehearsing, bracing and anticipating—running worst-case scenarios, replaying past conversations, trying to prepare for every possible thing they might say or do.

That kind of mental preparation doesn’t help. It keeps your nervous system activated before anything has even happened, which means you walk in already reactive, already tense and already at a disadvantage.

Preparing intentionally is different. You don’t need to script every response or steel yourself for battle. You need to arrive grounded—clear on your goal, settled in your body and less likely to be caught off guard by your own emotional reactions.

Use this five-step ritual before any interaction you’re already feeling anxious about:

Step 1: Acknowledge what you’re feeling

Don’t push the anxiety down. Name it first.

Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now about this interaction?

Then name it simply and specifically:

• I’m anxious about how they’ll react
• I’m angry about what happened last time
• I’m dreading the conversation starting
• I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing

Naming the emotion reduces its intensity. No need to eliminate it. Just take it off the background and put it somewhere you can see it. Once you’ve named it, it has less power to ambush you mid-conversation.

Step 2: Separate the story from the facts

Your mind has probably been telling a story about this interaction—what they’ll do, how it will go, what it means. Most of that story is prediction, not fact.

Ask yourself:

• What do I actually know about this situation?
• What am I assuming or predicting?
• What has happened before that I’m carrying into this moment?

Write down, even briefly, the facts you know and the stories you’re adding. This simple separation interrupts the mental spiral and brings you back to what’s actually real right now.

Step 3: Get clear on your one goal

Difficult interactions go sideways most often when you walk in without a clear sense of what you actually want from them.

Ask yourself: What is the one thing I want to achieve or clarify in this interaction?

Choose one. Not three. Not “I want them to understand how I feel AND agree to change AND apologize.” 

One clear, realistic outcome:

• Agree on a revised timeline
• Clarify who owns this decision
• Address the specific behavior that happened last week
• Set a boundary about after-hours messages

Write it down. This becomes your anchor if the conversation drifts or becomes difficult. When you lose your footing, you return to this.

Step 4: Ground your body

Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a real threat and an anticipated one. If you’re already anxious, your body is already in a mild stress response, which means your thinking is already narrower than usual.

Spend two to three minutes before the interaction doing one of these:

Breathing reset: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 2, exhale for 6. Repeat five times. The extended exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the one that signals safety.

Physical grounding: Stand or sit with both feet flat on the floor. Feel the weight of your body. Relax your jaw, your shoulders and your hands deliberately. This tells your nervous system the environment is safe.

Cold water: Splash cold water on your face or wrists. This triggers the dive reflex and slows your heart rate quickly. It’s very useful when you have very little time.

Shift your goal from trying to feel calm to feeling less activated, enough that you can think clearly and respond instead of react.

Step 5: Set a behavioral intention

Finally, decide before you walk in how you want to show up. Not what you want to say. How you want to be.

Choose one intention:

• I will stay factual, not emotional
• I will pause before responding
• I will not over-explain or justify
• I will ask questions before making statements
• I will leave if the conversation becomes disrespectful
• I will keep my responses short

This intention becomes a quiet internal reference point during the conversation. When you feel yourself being pulled off course, the intention brings you back.

Summary

1. Other people’s moods, urgency and criticism can easily throw you off balance if you let them. Remaining centered safeguards your mental clarity and self-assurance, so that their behavior doesn’t dictate your reactions. 
2. Emotionally detach. Draw a line between someone else’s conduct and your own sense of self-worth. Rather than getting emotionally entangled, learn to watch the situation unfold from a slight distance, which stops you from internalizing their negativity. This distance gives you the mental room to pick a thoughtful reaction rather than getting baited into one. The underlying mindset shift: their actions reflect who they are, not who you are.
3. Keep a neutral tone. How you sound in the moment can either fan the flames or take the heat out of a conversation. Speaking in an even, controlled manner projects composure and authority while denying the other person any emotional fuel to escalate further. Essentially, your tone sets the emotional climate of the exchange and buys you time to think before responding.
4. Use assertive body language. Conflicts often intensify because of how someone’s stance, movements and facial cues are perceived, not just their words. Carrying yourself with steady, grounded body language sends an unmistakable signal that you won’t be pushed around or provoked. It’s a silent form of communication that establishes limits without a single word being spoken.
5. Pause before you speak. Impulsive reactions are fast and driven by emotion, while deliberate responses come from a place of awareness. Reacting on autopilot tends to leave you depleted, whereas choosing your response conserves your energy. A brief pause of just a few seconds is enough to move your brain out of a defensive state and into problem-solving mode.
6. Prepare before you walk in. Dreading a tough conversation is often more draining than actually having it, since your mind tends to rehearse worst-case outcomes beforehand. Don’t try to rehearse every possible line. Enter the conversation already settled and clear-headed.

Recommended Reading

How To Deal With Difficult People Workbook By Vinita Bansal

The Laws of Human Nature By Robert Greene

The post How To Stay Centered Around Difficult People appeared first on TechTello.

I have worked with many different kinds of teams—some that I lead myself and others that I observed from a distance. In my experience working with different groups of people, I realized that what makes a team stand out isn’t the knowledge, expertise or skills of its people. Those things were important, but they didn’t decide which teams outperformed and which teams barely met my expectations.  

All these teams had a good mix of people, clarity on their goals and the resources they needed to succeed. Yet, only a few groups consistently delivered while others struggled to keep up their commitments. 

Teams that did well did not always succeed—what mattered more was not their success, but how they handled failures. Their ability to rise above the challenges came from their ability to take risks. Their sense of freedom enabled them to experiment and find unique solutions. They were quick to adapt new tools and processes—curious to learn new technologies and integrate them into their workflows. They did not rely on one individual to carry the team’s load, it was their collective effort that made them shine. 

Great teams consist of individuals who have learned to trust each other. Over time, they have discovered each other’s strengths and weaknesses, enabling them to play as a coordinated whole.
— Amy Edmondson

While there are many small qualities that make a high-performing team, these 5 fall into a common pattern that always repeats:  

Utilizing collective intelligence of the group as opposed to siloed thinking

Teams that do not come together to brainstorm on ideas miss out on diverse thinking and differences of opinion. When people in the group don’t seek feedback on their ideas or don’t invite critical review of their logic, they make decisions based on their own knowledge and beliefs. They fail to hear perspectives that can help them see the flaws in their thinking—assumptions that may not be true, challenges they did not anticipate, risks they might have ignored or a better way to achieve their goals.

Relying on individual knowledge as opposed to collective wisdom leads to poor choices and bad decisions—more work is required to fix mistakes that could have been avoided, more time is consumed in revisiting and rehashing old decisions and more energy is spent in trying to make a sub-optimal solution work. 

Each person thinks differently and it’s this difference that adds value to the conversation. Every disagreement, every conflict, every question raised is an opportunity to align, resolve and converge on a common solution towards an approach that’s vetted and well thought out. A group of people can provide insights and expertise that no one individual can bring. 

To become a team member who contributes towards collective intelligence, ask:

1. How often do I involve others in my decision?
2. What kind of feedback do I seek—validating my thoughts or contradicting them?
3. Do I trust my team to give me the inputs I need?
4. What value do I see in getting diverse opinions? 

Teams that harness the power of collective intelligence are more innovative, better aligned and feel more supported—having others they can count on gives them the confidence to take the hard path and avoid easy choices. 

In a complex world, isolated experts are a liability. What you need are networks of teams sharing real-time context and intelligence.
— Stanley McChrystal, Team of Teams

Teams excel when they count on each other to guide, support and learn. Their collective value exponentially exceeds what an individual member can achieve on their own.

Prioritizing team goals over individual needs

When each individual in the team cares only about themselves—their aspirations, growth, promotion and success—they put their own goals above everyone else. They lean towards tasks that will make them look good and help them get promoted. They refuse to do the grunt work even if that’s what their team needs. They don’t collaborate and co-operate to help their team succeed. Their support is conditional—subject to what they’ll gain from the transaction instead of doing it to help others without expecting anything in return. 

Looking for opportunities to build new skills, taking on higher level roles and responsibilities or trying to stand out isn’t wrong. The problem occurs when individual aspirations start coloring their choices and impacting team goals. When everyone is thinking only for themselves, there is less alignment, more misunderstandings and confusion. Finger pointing and blame games start within team members as they try to protect themselves instead of taking responsibility. 

When team members work with each other instead of working against each other, they achieve more as a group. They share knowledge, openly express their concerns, work out solutions to the obstacles in their path and align on a common direction forward. The shared camaraderie in facing challenges together also builds a strong bond which makes work feel more fun and less like a slog. It energizes the team to push themselves and face the challenges with more conviction and resilience. 

To become a team member who puts team goals over individual needs, ask:

1. Do I understand my team goals?
2. How do my current goals fit into my team’s priorities?
3. How can I help my team in achieving success?
4. What can I learn from them?

When people in the team don’t separate their success from their team’s success, they achieve better results—being aligned on a common mission removes the friction that comes when everyone is rowing in a different direction. 

Inattention to results occurs when team members put their individual needs (such as ego, career development, or recognition) or even the needs of their divisions above the collective goals of the team.
— Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

Teams collapse when every member puts their own interests above team goals. Working together strengthens the team to push for bigger and better goals.  

Feeling empowered to act independently without approval every step of the way

Teams that aren’t allowed to make their own decisions wait for approvals and permissions every step of the way. They need a higher level authority to review every minor detail, every small decision, every action they plan to take. They don’t feel confident about their decision. They worry about making a mistake. Being always dependent on someone else to make the final decision prevents them from taking accountability—they don’t feel responsible for how things turn out. 

Forced dependency tremendously slows down the team. They are often blocked, waiting for someone up the hierarchy to validate. Things that could be achieved in a few hours take days and weeks. Not feeling empowered also demotivates the team—if they can’t be trusted with small decisions, they might never get the opportunity to take on bigger roles. Always having someone to correct them also prevents them from making mistakes and learning from the process—a key element to progress and grow at work. 

Teams that understand which decisions they can make on their own and which require additional input excel as they can move fast on a large part of their work while slowing down for only a small fraction of it. Being trusted to lead decisions also creates the confidence and motivation to exceed expectations—when someone owns a decision, they’re more likely to stretch out and do everything possible to succeed. It creates a sense of accountability that’s otherwise missing. 

To become a team member who can act independently, ask:

1. What prevents you from making your own decisions?
2. What’s the worst that can happen if your decision does not turn out the way you anticipated? What issues can you predict? What steps can you take to mitigate those risks? What action can you take if it still fails?
3. What have you done to earn the trust to think and act independently?
4. What are the gaps preventing you from being given this opportunity?

High-performing teams are built by individuals who realize that waiting for permission is a guaranteed way to fail. They demand trust, ownership and support to make their own decisions. 

If you want people to think, give them intent, not instructions. Instructions breed compliance and dependence; intent breeds initiative and ownership.
— L. David Marquet, Turn the Ship Around!

Teams that can think and act on their feet will outperform those who are always waiting to make a perfect decision. Don’t surrender your agency. Stop being dependent.

Taking carefully evaluated risks without always playing it safe 

When people in the team worry too much about failures and mistakes, they stop taking risks and start playing it safe. They do the work as it has always been done instead of identifying better ways. They give up on opportunities that require taking risks and sign up for the ones that feel safe. They hide mistakes instead of turning them into learning lessons. They don’t easily bounce back from failures as they treat even minor setbacks as major disasters. 

Not taking risks keeps them locked in a cycle of mediocrity—working hard without being impactful. People in the team stop growing as they don’t push themselves beyond their comfort zone. They don’t build new skills. They don’t learn to navigate the uncharted territory. They don’t develop the thinking that’s required to tackle challenges. It eventually leads to frustration and a lack of motivation from being stuck in the same place for too long.

Instead of basing decisions on what feels safe, carefully evaluated risks enable team members to introduce better processes, practices and solutions. Embracing unknowns and uncertainty make work feel more exciting and enjoyable. Whether it’s choosing a risky strategy, taking bold steps or running small experiments, taking an unconventional path requires thinking above and beyond. It requires asking questions, challenging the status quo and refusing to take the easy path.

To become a team member who isn’t afraid of taking risks, ask:

1. Am I leaning towards a safe choice only because the other option feels risky?
2. Do I avoid going down the path with unknowns and uncertainties?
3. What can I learn by pushing myself beyond my comfort zone? 
4. How can I stack the odds in my favor?
5. What’s within my control? 
6. How can I take more risks? 

Teams that make failure and feedback as part of their strategy invest in taking risks—they use a proper decision criteria to evaluate which risks are worth their time and attention.

If you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t taking enough risks. And if you’re not taking enough risks, you’re not learning.
— John C. Maxwell, Failing Forward

Great teams aren’t risk averse. They treat obstacles in their path as a learning opportunity instead of a thing to avoid. They build the mental muscle to take risks with courage, experience and practice. 

Leveraging AI to increase productivity and performance instead of resisting it

When team members do not invest in identifying how to apply artificial intelligence to their daily work, they take longer to complete tasks—something that could be done in a few minutes can take hours and even days. They might also make mistakes that could be easily flagged by an AI tool. They may miss critical insights or fail to see the flaw in their own thinking—something that ChatGPT, Google Gemini or Claude can easily point out when leveraged as a thinking partner. Their time and energy that can be better put to use in dealing with demanding and challenging tasks gets wasted by doing repetitive work manually instead of building workflows and delegating it to the AI agents. 

Teams that don’t leverage AI can’t match the quality and pace of work of teams that make it a part of everything they do. Doing grunt work themselves prevents them from taking on higher level responsibilities. The number of people in the team itself becomes a limiting factor when AI is not treated as another teammate who can share your workload and help you become more productive and performant. 

AI is really good at writing code, identifying bugs, summarizing content, doing analysis, generating insights, reviewing your approach and automating repetitive work. It can do all this without ever getting tired or complaining. It can free up your time to focus on things that only you can do—clarifying requirements, seeking alignment, validating and reviewing AI output and strategizing how to do more in less time. 

To become a team member who uses AI to their advantage, ask:

1. How can I partner with AI?
2. What tools are available to me?
3. What do I repeatedly do that can be accomplished using an AI agent? 
4. Which parts of my work should I continue doing myself and which parts should I delegate to AI?

When team members treat AI as their partner, they stop wasting their time and energy on tasks that are beneath their potential. 

Within five years, the ability to work effectively with AI will be a standard expectation in most professional roles. Not because AI will replace human workers, but because AI-assisted workers will consistently outperform those who can’t harness these tools effectively.
― Enamul Haque, A Beginner’s Guide to Prompt Writing

AI will not replace human intelligence. It will enhance it. Teams that leverage AI will easily outpace those that resist it.   

Summary

1. Teams that skip the brainstorm and skip the feedback loop make decisions on incomplete knowledge. They miss the assumptions, risks and better paths that only come from other people’s eyes on the problem. Teams that invite disagreement instead of avoiding it end up more innovative, better aligned and more confident taking the harder path.
2. When everyone optimizes for how they look instead of what the team needs, you get finger-pointing and misalignment instead of progress. When people stop separating their own success from the team’s success, the friction disappears and the whole group moves in one direction.
3. Teams stuck waiting on permission for every small decision move slower, feel less accountable and never build the muscle to make bigger calls. Teams that know which decisions are theirs to own move fast on most of their work and only slow down where it actually matters.
4. Playing it safe out of fear of failure keeps a team stuck in mediocrity—no growth, no new skills, no capacity for the unknown. Teams that treat risk and failure as strategy, not accident, are the ones that find better processes and better outcomes.
5. Teams that don’t build AI into their daily work waste time on what could be done in minutes and miss the flaws AI could’ve flagged for free. Teams that treat AI like a teammate free themselves up for the work only a human can do and outpace everyone still doing it the old way.

Recommended Reading

The Five Dysfunctions of a Team By Patrick Lencioni

The Culture Code By Daniel Coyle

The post Why Some Teams Excel While Others Collapse appeared first on TechTello.

Your brain prioritizes immediate rewards over future benefits. This makes you react to deadlines, pressures and urgencies. You sign up for work that isn’t part of your goals, you entertain adhoc requests and you try to fix a production bug while fearing another deadline that’s due tomorrow. You rush from one task to the next, try to keep up with the high expectations and meet the commitments you promised to fulfil. 

This keeps you reactive—always responding to what’s right in front of you instead of pausing to think about the big picture. Urgent work consistently crowds out important thinking—it keeps you busy by completing a task, checking an item off your to-do list and feeling a temporary sense of relief. It gives you a sense of progress without expanding your skills. Your work is less impactful, hardly thoughtful and does not get noticed. 

Being stuck with today’s priorities also prevents you from embracing future opportunities. When you’re too occupied meeting deadlines, you don’t notice the opportunities that might advance your career. Lack of time also prevents you from identifying where your skills might be valuable and how you can contribute beyond assigned tasks to do more impactful work.  

It’s easy to get caught up dealing with everyday mess at work leaving the future unplanned and unhinged. When daily chaos pulls all your focus, you may fail to think strategically and act in ways that aligns your long-term goals with short-term actions.

Because we’re disconnected from our Future Selves, we opt for near immediate goals or dopamine hits. This short-term seeking ends up costing our Future Selves big.
― Benjamin P. Hardy, Be Your Future Self Now

I have made this mistake over and over again many times in my career where I have used the excuse of being overburdened by my current commitments as a reason to not plan my future. You don’t have to repeat those mistakes. You don’t have to limit yourself. By building the habit of thinking beyond current tasks and deadlines, you can align your present with your future.    

You can fulfill your commitments without being overstretched. You can build new skills and sharpen existing ones. You can take on additional responsibilities that are aligned with your strengths. Big picture thinking can enable you to evaluate the consequences of your decisions and make choices that are inline with your long-term goals.

You don’t have to carve out extra time to do this. You don’t have to lock yourself up and force yourself to think critically. By making small changes in your daily thinking habits, you can achieve significant results in your future. 

Anticipate challenges

When you’re rushing from one deadline to another, you don’t take time to plan for the obstacles and challenges in your path. You consider the best case scenario without planning for the worst. You ignore the risks that might make your current strategy infeasible and force you to reevaluate your options. You keep executing your plan until you hit a roadblock. 

Unexpected challenges and unknowns you never planned for can confuse or upset you. Being unprepared can overwhelm you. You may feel completely knocked down and find it hard to recover from the setback. You may make decisions you later regret. 

When you don’t take time to think through the challenges you may face, even a small hurdle can feel like a major stumbling block. Every small thing that doesn’t go according to the plan adds to your trouble. More time and effort is required to fix unexpected issues. More rework to navigate the uncertainty. You may miss deadlines you worked so hard to achieve.  

When planning a task or a project, instead of considering only the happy path, prepare for the bumps in the road:

What are the assumptions you’re making?

What issues might come up later?

What can make this project fail?

What risks have you not considered?

Do you have a plan B?

Working backwards from your destination and imagining everything that might go wrong along the way gives you an opportunity to plan for them upfront instead of reacting to them when they show up. It also does not tax you mentally and emotionally because you’ve already gone through the exercise of imagining issues that might break your momentum and derail your progress. 

The only guarantee, ever, is that things will go wrong. The only thing we can use to mitigate this is anticipation. Because the only variable we control completely is ourselves.
― Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle Is the Way

Think beyond the deadline by thinking about the journey to get there. Consider the ups and downs, highs and lows and victories and failures. Build a future that’s intentional, not circumstantial. 

Identify opportunities

When you have a packed agenda every day—do a few meetings, fix some bugs, make some decisions and add some new features—it’s hard to think about where your skills can be put to better use or when your abilities need to be expanded. You keep doing the work that comes easy to you without stretching yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. 

Staying busy with assigned work makes you overlook unassigned opportunities—a new project which can help you build team lead skills. Architecture and system design opportunity for a new initiative that can enable you to own a system end-to-end. Opportunity to attend stakeholder meetings where you can learn conflict handling and negotiation skills. You may miss many of these unless you take the initiative to identify them and convince your manager that you’re ready to take on bigger and better responsibilities. 

Managers are busy with hundreds of things to do and leaving this decision to them may not be in your best interest. Partnering with them by understanding what challenges they’re facing and how you can contribute can enable you to find the right opportunities for yourself:

What are their biggest pain points?

What new initiatives are being kicked off?

What are the low hanging fruits?

How can you ease out a little bit of their workload?

Aligning your aspirations with the right opportunities requires continuous interest in your manager’s work life. You cannot expect them to give you work that does not exist. But by understanding them better, you can contribute more than just the assigned tasks. You can request specific assignments, be part of new initiatives and sign up for work that can help you expand your skills. Actively seeking the right opportunities also makes you come across as someone who’s interested in their own growth. It builds trust.  

If you want your boss to adapt to you, you must be willing to adapt to her as well. Are you ready, willing, and able? 
— Mary Abbajay, Managing Up

Chasing the next deadline won’t get you in front of the right opportunities. You need to work closely with your manager to find work that aligns your interests with their plan—look for win/win opportunities.  

Consider long-term consequences 

When completing a task is the goal you adopt, you get wired for quick thinking and fast decisions. You consider the problem right in front of you and find the easiest way to get it done. Ticking an item on your list creates instant gratification—it gives you a dopamine hit and a never ending cycle of quick fixes and short-term thinking. You face a problem and apply the first solution that comes to mind without considering its long-term consequences. 

Stress and anxiety to complete the task can make you avoid a better solution because it takes longer to complete. Worry that you’ll not meet the deadline can make you apply shortcuts and skip critical reviews. Considering only the next step without taking a larger view makes you miss the impact of your decision into the future—issues keep repeating, systems don’t scale and more time is spent in rework than building new systems. 

While making decisions, optimize for long term gain at the cost of short term pain. Think about:

How can you make decisions with positive outcomes compounded in the future?

Is this decision attractive only because it has an immediate effect (first order consequence) positive?

What can be the potential downside of this decision and its effect later?

Thinking about the future is uncomfortable, but embracing this discomfort can make you get past many avoidable problems. It can enable you to push aside your short-term thinking and consider the implications of your decision into the future. By analyzing each task, every problem from the perspective of its second and third order consequences, you can train your brain to give up short-term rewards in favor of more long-term growth. 

Failing to consider second- and third-order consequences is the cause of a lot of painfully bad decisions, and it is especially deadly when the first inferior option confirms your own biases. Never seize on the first available option, no matter how good it seems, before you’ve asked questions and explored.
— Ray Dalio, Principles 

It’s tempting to give in to good outcomes with small upsides that are easily accessible and visible to you without weighing in on the potentially large downside of your decisions in the future. Doubt what may seem like an obvious choice. Seek hard truths. 

Implement the feedback loop

The biggest mistake you can make when running behind deadlines is to not learn from the process. You may stop paying attention to the feedback and continue running on autopilot. Not pausing and taking these signals into account prevents you from separating behaviors that are helpful from the ones that are damaging to your own growth and those of others. 

You may not see the gap between how you view yourself and how others perceive you. You may become so hyperfocused on your own wants that you may not see what others need. You may push too hard for your own ideas while ignoring alternative perspectives and differences of opinion. Without the process to know how you’re doing, you can’t improve. You can’t learn from your mistakes. You can’t do better.

Designing a better future comes from reviewing your past, making corrections in your present and repeating this loop often so that you are constantly learning and becoming a better version of yourself:

How do others feel when they’re around you?

Do they feel safe to communicate and collaborate?

What are their concerns?

Can you separate signal from noise? 

Getting quality feedback requires curiosity and giving up your default urge to defend your stance. It requires putting your own ego aside and paying attention to other people’s thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to act on every feedback that comes your way. You don’t even have to accept that it’s true. But, you definitely need to do some soul searching to identify the useful parts, even if it hurts. 

Feedback is valuable information about where one stands now and what to work on next. It is welcome input rather than upsetting verdict.
― Douglas Stone, Thanks for the Feedback

Honest feedback paints a true picture of where you stand right now. It gives you a direction on the steps to take in the future. Take it seriously. Implement a feedback loop. 

Anticipating challenges keeps you from being blindsided. Identifying opportunities keeps you from being overlooked. Weighing long-term consequences keeps you from repeating the same fixes. Listening to feedback keeps you from standing still. They don’t require extra time or a separate process, just small shifts in how you show up to work everyday. Stop working harder on what’s right in front of you. Occasionally step back and take a look at the big picture. 

Summary

1. Deadlines keep you reactive, not strategic. When you’re always responding to what’s urgent, you trade long-term impact for short-term relief. Being busy isn’t the same as being valuable.
2. Anticipating problems is cheaper than reacting to them. Working backwards from your destination and imagining what could go wrong lets you plan for setbacks instead of being blindsided by them.
3. Opportunities don’t find people who are heads-down. You have to actively understand your manager’s pain points and initiatives because no one is more interested in your growth than you—spot it, ask for it.
4. Fast decisions favor short-term comfort over long-term gain. Training yourself to weigh second- and third-order consequences is uncomfortable, but it’s what separates decisions that compound positively from ones that require rework.
5. You can’t improve without a feedback loop. Reviewing your past, correcting your present and repeating that cycle is what turns intention into an actual future-self worth building.

Recommended Reading

The Long Game By Dorie Clark

Essentialism By Greg McKeown

The post How to Think Beyond Today’s Deadlines appeared first on TechTello.

You may not realize it, but your ego plays out in many different ways. It quietly seeps into the decisions you make, the way you communicate and how you present yourself. It often shows up as defensiveness, insecurity, control and the need to protect image. 

When your goal is to raise your self-esteem, prove to others that you’re smart, intelligent and capable or projecting an image of strength matters to you, your ego gets involved in everything you say and do. 

Becoming argumentative when someone disagrees.

Trying to be right by proving others wrong. 

Never accepting your mistakes.

Becoming a control freak. 

If you don’t consciously watch out for ego, it can damage your relationships at work by coming across as arrogant, selfish, condescending, snobbish and superior. Considering your own ideas, thoughts and opinions as important while holding others in contempt, showing impatience or disrespect through eye-rolling, smirking or sighing or invalidating other people’s feelings, brushing off their suggestions or changing the subject to deflect attention away from an uncomfortable topic are some of the ways in which you may act when your ego feels threatened.  

Competitiveness is an important force in life. It’s what drives the market and is behind some of mankind’s most impressive accomplishments. On an individual level, however, it’s absolutely critical that you know who you’re competing with and why, that you have a clear sense of the space you’re in. Only you know the race you’re running. That is, unless your ego decides the only way you have value is if you’re better than, have more than, everyone everywhere. More urgently, each one of us has a unique potential and purpose; that means that we’re the only ones who can evaluate and set the terms of our lives. Far too often, we look at other people and make their approval the standard we feel compelled to meet, and as a result, squander our very potential and purpose.
― Ryan Holiday

You can either let your ego run the show which can stagnate your career and degrade your work experience or you can keep it in check by watching out for these small ways in which ego shows up at work:

Resisting help to prove you can do it yourself

When your pride and ego gets tangled up, you fear reaching out and asking for help. You don’t want to risk appearing incompetent. You don’t want to appear weak. You’ve built an identity of an independent person who can overcome any challenge. You want to protect it. 

Asking for support feels like surrender when you put up a facade of strength and resilience. It feels like giving up and appearing vulnerable, defenseless and exposed. Hiding your struggles, covering up your feelings of doubt and inadequacy and masking your limitations does not raise your status—it only protects your ego. 

Knowing your limits and saving your time by leveraging others’ expertise is a strategic move, not surrender. Accepting reality when you hit a roadblock instead of refusing to give up and pretending everything is fine signals high emotional intelligence, self-awareness and maturity of a person who prioritizes the right outcome over personal pride. 

Asking for help does not make you look needy or incompetent. It requires humility and strength. It shows that you believe in your ability to find answers—that you’re open to do the work necessary to succeed.   

Asking for help is a power move. It’s a sign of strength to ask and a sign of strength to fight off judgment when other people raise their hands. It reflects a self-awareness that is an essential element in braving trust.
― Brené Brown, Dare to Lead

Ego check: Is your priority to solve the problem or protect your image?

Taking feedback personally 

Your ego considers any constructive criticism as a personal attack. It forces you to obsess about a negative remark and view it as a measure of your self-worth. It makes you extremely insecure and jumpy about anything that concerns your skills and abilities. It keeps you trapped within your own bubble of self-assessment away from reality. 

This makes you defensive—you instantly reject feedback without hearing others out. You look for excuses or blame to justify your results or the outcomes you achieved. You may even counter-attack by belittling others or calling out their own gaps. Ego makes you edgy, reactive, easily irritable and closed-off. You start doubting others’ intent. You turn an important critique into a debate. 

Ignoring feedback or putting up a shield of self-defense lets ego protect what it cares about—your self-image. It thinks highly of you which makes it shun down the critiques that are necessary to grow. 

Constructive criticism is not an attack on your identity or a sign of disrespect. It’s a useful tool to stay grounded, sensible and open to suggestions. It helps you bridge the gap between perception and reality by uncovering your blind spots and helping you focus on areas that need correction. Putting ego aside can help you pay attention to others inputs, separate signal from noise and accept and acknowledge the hard facts. 

Feedback is harsh and uncomfortable. Know how to use it without letting your ego get in the way. Extract the signal from the noise, so you know what to pay attention to and what to ignore.
— Scott H. Young, Ultralearning

Ego check: Is your priority to look flawless right now or become better over time?

Struggling to admit mistakes or saying you were wrong

When you fail at something or make mistakes, instead of showing curiosity to understand what went wrong and taking responsibility for your actions, you may look for excuses and justifications. You may blame others or your circumstances. You may try to cover up your faults. Your ego will not let others discover your flaws, be judged or exposed. It will not let you accept defeat. 

To hide your feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy, you may mislead others, give them false information or deflect attention away from your mistakes. You may refuse to accept you were wrong or made an error. Fear that others will think less of you or you’ll look weak can make you cover up your tracks instead of owning them.  

Given a choice, ego will choose denial over reality to keep your self-esteem intact. It wants you to think you’re smart, capable and always right and accepting a failure can shatter that image. 

Acknowledging that you made a bad decision or took a wrong action does not make you a failure. It does not harm your reputation or credibility. Rather, taking ownership of your outcomes, finding a solution to your problem and working harder to fix the issue earns you respect—it shows that you can bounce back from a challenging situation stronger and smarter.  

Being right all the time acquires a huge importance in education, and there is this terror of being wrong. The ego is so tied to being right that later on in life you are reluctant to accept that you are ever wrong, because you are defending not the idea but your self-esteem. 
― Edward De Bono, Po

Ego check: Is your priority to be right or be effective?

Turning disagreements into personal battles

When you’re too attached to an idea or a viewpoint, any difference of opinion on it turns into a battle. You make it a part of your identity. Confirming views raises your confidence and boosts your self-esteem while disagreements instantly put you off. Your ego does not like dissent and triggers an intense response to shut down opposing views. It keeps you locked inside a tunnel vision where you fail to see the value in alternate perspectives. 

Trying hard to prove your point without showing curiosity to listen invites pushback. Repeating your ideas and thoughts while disregarding others views makes you come across as closed-minded, argumentative and arrogant. This creates tension, strains relationships and makes others reluctant to work with you. 

Your ego prevents you from seeing the flaws in your thinking—it makes you too rigid to notice the risks and drawbacks. To defend your image, it stamps others as ignorant, flawed or malicious. It creates a false illusion that your opinions signify your worth and someone challenging your idea is inherently challenging you.  

Disagreements are not an attack on your identity. They are not a battle ground to win and lose. They’re an opportunity to create win/win situations—look at new ideas, see what you missed and collaborate with others to solve the problem together instead of attacking them. When you approach disagreements with the desire to find the right solution instead of being right, you make others feel safe, heard and valued. It strengthens your work relationships while also setting you up for success. Separate who you are from the idea you are fighting for. If someone proves your idea or argument is wrong, your identity shouldn’t feel crushed.

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
― Colin Powell, It Worked for Me

Ego check: Is your priority to learn the truth or to win?

Refusing to let go of control

When you identify your worth with the outcomes you achieve, you have a hard time letting go—it’s too terrifying to trust anyone else to do the job as well and as correctly as you will. This makes you micromanage, refuse to delegate and be involved in the nitty-gritties of every day work. Your ego also fears being no longer needed or valued if things go well without your intervention.

This makes you too involved and too controlling to avoid feelings of shame and embarrassment if things go wrong later. You create dependencies, bottleneck decisions and withhold information to feel important. You dictate how things must be done, making others feel undervalued and suffocated. You jump in prematurely to fix situations without giving others room to self-correct or learn from their mistakes. 

Your ego likes to feel secure and superior—dictating how others act and controlling every move makes it feel safe by avoiding future failures and surprises. It equates letting go with being weak, useless and unimportant because it wants to prove that you exist and that you matter.

Letting go is not giving up. It shows that you trust others, believe in their skills and their ability to learn from their mistakes and solve problems on their own. It not only creates space for others to grow, it also gives you time to focus on your own goals and priorities. 

You don’t need to control everything that’s happening. You don’t need to push, struggle, fight, force things or try to manipulate people in order to make things the way you want them to be. It’s exhausting and unnecessary.
― John Purkiss, The Power of Letting Go

Ego check: Is your priority to achieve the best outcome or to have things done your way?

Interrupting others to redirect attention towards you

When your ego demands attention, it wants you to be at the centre of every meeting and discussion. It wants you to have the final word, be heard and can’t take it when others appear to be dominating the discussion. It doesn’t like when others get the spotlight. It feels hurt when someone else appears to be capturing interest and attracting attention. 

This makes you say and do things that will redirect the focus towards you—hijacking the conversation by interrupting, giving unsolicited advice, passing mean remarks, fault finding or one-upping them by sharing your own experience.   

Trying to hog the spotlight and focusing on an opportunity to speak prevents you from processing what the other person is saying. Cutting others off frustrates them as they lose their chain of thought. Treating every conversation as a competition for status and validation turns it into an exhausting game which only leads to loss of trust and backlash.

You cannot learn if your focus is on talking. You cannot build trust if you can’t celebrate others and let them shine. Deep connection is built by making others feel heard, valued and respected—not by owning the room at all times.   

To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention. Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (“Here, let me show you.” “Don’t be shy.” “That’s awesome!” “Smile for Daddy.”). Listening is about the experience of being experienced. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing. 
― Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening

Ego check: Is your priority to make a connection or make an impression?

Refusing to revisit decisions

When a decision you made earlier is no longer working for you, when the cost of continuing is more than its benefits and when you can no longer justify the investment in a certain direction, the right thing to do is to pivot, invest in other opportunities or simply quit. However, your ego can make changing course feel like a failure. Quitting can feel like giving up and accepting defeat. 

Ego can make you continue investing in a failed cause because it can’t let go of the past investments and calling it quits. Instead of evaluating the opportunity cost of continuing, you focus on the sunk costs. Fear of being judged as incompetent, reckless or a failure makes you maintain an illusion of progress. You don’t want to lose your status. You don’t want to lose face. 

Giving up on a failing path or changing direction is not weakness—it’s an act of intelligence to save your future from your past. It shows that you’re capable of making tough and uncomfortable calls. It’s a sign of agility and progress. 

Sunk costs do have a small effect—decision makers are biased in favor of their previous investments—but three other factors are more powerful. One is anticipated regret: will I be sorry that I didn’t give this another chance? The second is project completion: if I keep investing, I can finish the project. But the single most powerful factor is ego threat: if I don’t keep investing, I’ll look and feel like a fool. In response to ego threat, people invest more, hoping to turn the project into a success so they can prove to others—and themselves—that they were right all along.
― Adam M. Grant, Give and Take

Ego check: Is your priority to save face or maximize your future potential?

Avoiding people who challenge your thinking 

When you pride yourself on your knowledge and expertise, anything that you don’t understand or don’t know appears terrifying and intimidating. You don’t want to appear uninformed. You don’t want to be in a position where you can’t make decisions or lead the group. To avoid appearing ignorant, you avoid people who have the tendency to ask tough questions. You avoid those who typically challenge your thinking. Your ego does not let you accept that it’s normal to not know everything. 

You refuse to say “I don’t know” or “I am not sure” because your pride tells you that it will make you appear as someone who lacks experience, wisdom or judgment. So, you either pretend to know or avoid facing such situations. Faking knowledge makes you come across as a fake—others can see when you truly know something and when you’re just faking it. Avoiding situations where you might be challenged prevents you from learning and growing. 

Not knowing something does not make you inferior or less valued by others. What matters more is your curiosity, ability to ask questions and the quality of finding the right solution over trying to be right. What leaves a lasting impact is your humility and courage. 

Sincerely believe that you might not know the best possible path and recognize that your ability to deal well with “not knowing” is more important than whatever it is you do know. Most people make bad decisions because they are so certain that they’re right that they don’t allow themselves to see the better alternatives that exist. Radically open-minded people know that coming up with the right questions and asking other smart people what they think is as important as having all the answers. They understand that you can’t make a great decision without swimming for a while in a state of “not knowing.” That is because what exists within the area of “not knowing” is so much greater and more exciting than anything any one of us knows.
― Ray Dalio, Principles

Ego check: Is your priority to hide from what you don’t know or to grow from what you can discover?

Summary

1. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or incompetence. It is a strategic and self-aware move that shows you prioritize the right outcome over protecting your pride.
2. Constructive criticism is not an attack on your identity but a valuable tool that helps you uncover blind spots, bridge the gap between perception and reality and grow over time.
3. Taking ownership of your failures and working to fix them does not damage your reputation. In fact, it earns you far more respect than making excuses or blaming others ever would.
4. When you separate your identity from your opinions, disagreements become opportunities to discover new perspectives, collaborate effectively and find better solutions together.
5. Micromanaging and refusing to delegate signals a lack of trust. Letting go not only empowers others to grow but also frees you to focus on what truly matters.
6. Constantly hijacking conversations to stay in the spotlight destroys trust and connection. Making others feel genuinely heard and valued is what builds lasting relationships.
7. Holding on to a failing path just to avoid looking wrong is costly. Recognizing when to change course and acting on it is a sign of agility, courage and good judgment.
8. Dodging tough questions and difficult people stunts your growth. Embracing what you don’t know with curiosity and humility is what leads to better decisions and continuous learning.

Recommended Reading

The First Rule of Mastery By Michael Gervais

Ego Is The Enemy By Ryan Holiday

The post The Subtle Ways In Which Ego Shows Up at Work appeared first on TechTello.

Most career slumps don’t announce themselves with a bang. The shift is subtle at first—you may not even notice the change in your work habits and routines that keeps you running on autopilot without forward momentum. You may ignore the signs that point to a sense of dissatisfaction and unfulfilment. 

You may still go about meeting your daily expectations, but there’s no excitement or a sense of accomplishment. You may feel unmotivated, unchallenged and disconnected. Work that was exciting at first now feels repetitive and draining.  

All your high aspirations, dreams and the desire to do something big seem like a thing of the past. Instead of getting close to the finish line, you seem to be moving further and further away. You feel stuck. You feel restless. You may believe that you have lost your spark. 

But a career slump is not a total failure on your part. Whether you’ve outgrown your current position, prolonged stress has depleted your energy or there’s lack of alignment between goals and opportunities, you can get out of the rut by recognizing the signs, understanding the root cause and identifying what needs to change.  

When we are stuck in a rut we are being invited to grow and expand.
― Dana Arcuri, Reinventing You

Here are the 9 signs you might be stagnating at work:

You are never in a state of flow

Do you struggle to focus? Have you stopped enjoying work which prevents you from being completely absorbed in the activity? Do you no longer enter into a state of flow, which is when you are completely immersed in a task and the time seems to stand still?

Not being able to focus and do deep work prevents you from experiencing the joy and pleasure that comes from being in a state of flow—it keeps you unhappy, stuck and dissatisfied. This is often one of the first signs of career stagnation that most people fail to notice. 

Flow minimizes distractions, prevents procrastination and leads to high performance and productivity. It makes work more enjoyable, less exhausting and accelerates learning. It sparks creativity, heightens focus and deepens satisfaction. 

Without flow, your attention shifts every few minutes to minor interruptions, relying on willpower to get things done depletes energy and tasks take twice as long to complete with often worse results. Work feels strained, highly inefficient and mentally draining.

Attention is like energy in that without it no work can be done, and in doing work is dissipated. We create ourselves by how we use this energy. Memories, thoughts and feelings are all shaped by how we use it. And it is an energy under control, to do with as we please; hence attention is our most important tool in the task of improving the quality of experience.
― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow

You’re headed for career stagnation if you’re constantly distracted and don’t remember the last time you were in a state of flow.

You don’t feel challenged 

Do you look for familiar tasks and responsibilities—things you already know how to do well? Do you avoid growth opportunities because they seem hard and untested? Do you resist new processes, systems and ways of working because the old way feels easy and convenient?

When predictability and routine takes priority over learning and experimentation, you rely on what you already know instead of stretching yourself and building new skills. You do the work that keeps you busy without expanding your thinking and problem solving skills. 

Being scared of uncertainty and unknowns, you refuse to navigate the uncharted territory. You sit inside your comfort zone and fail to embrace the opportunities outside it. Career stagnation is obvious without doing the work that seems hard, unconventional and challenging. 

Taking on challenges involves taking on risks—it involves solving complex problems, making tough decisions and facing obstacles with curiosity and resilience. 

If we explore only well-trodden paths, if we avoid games we don’t know how to play, we’ll remain stagnant. Only when you’re dancing in the dark, only when you don’t know where the light switch is—or even what a light switch is—can progress begin.
― Ozan Varol, Think Like a Rocket Scientist

You’re headed for career stagnation if you’ve stopped taking steps outside your comfort zone. 

You’re reluctant to ask questions or share ideas

Do you stay quiet in meetings? Do you contribute your opinion only when asked? Have you stopped asking questions because you don’t feel the curiosity to know or identify better ways to do things?

Becoming hesitant to share your opinion or holding back your views not only decreases your visibility, it prevents you from exploring different perspectives, updating outdated beliefs and learning new things. Not asking questions makes you come across as rigid, closed-minded and uninterested. It leads to career stagnation because without curiosity you shut the doors that are required to tread new paths. 

When you keep your thoughts to yourself or become disengaged in meetings and discussions, you give up on the opportunity to share your knowledge. You refuse to leverage others’ experience. When it’s time to get promoted, your name is not on the list because you did nothing to showcase your value or be seen.   

The truly curious will be increasingly in demand. Employers are looking for people who can do more than follow procedures competently or respond to requests; who have a strong intrinsic desire to learn, solve problems and ask penetrating questions. 
― Ian Leslie, Curious

You’re headed for career stagnation if you don’t take the initiative to voice your concerns or share your opinion.

You’ve stopped taking feedback seriously

Have you stopped seeking feedback? Do you consider it as noise and don’t make an attempt to find how it could be valuable? Do you consider it unworthy of serious consideration without even listening? 

When feedback no longer matters to you or you ignore the one that lands your way, you disengage from improving. Being unreceptive, defensive and dismissive to feedback makes you uncoachable. People find it hard to communicate and collaborate with you. They find you unapproachable. 

Taking feedback constructively enables you to find better solutions, avoid mistakes and build relationships based on mutual trust and respect. It makes you come across as a person who cares about others opinion, their viewpoint and how they see the world. Avoiding and ignoring feedback prevents you from making changes to your behavior, actions and attitude. It keeps you stuck and stagnates you because you refuse to act on feedback that can help you grow. 

How you react to the feedback and what you do afterwards will impact your career trajectory at the company. Your first instinct may be to rebut, defend, or explain the behaviors that led to the feedback. But perceptions don’t change because of explanations or more information; they change over time after you adjust your actions and behaviors.
― Marlo Lyons

You’re headed for career stagnation if you’ve stopped investing in seeking and giving feedback.

You’re driven by external pressure, not personal motivation

Do you feel a lack of sense of ownership and motivation? Do you work only when there’s a deadline approaching, pressure from your manager or something urgent shows up that demands your time and attention? Do you feel no personal drive to hit targets, achieve goals and exceed expectations?

Intrinsic motivation is driven by personal satisfaction, enjoyment of the activity and a sense of purpose. Extrinsic motivation is driven by obligations, experience of pressure, demand towards specific outcomes and a fear of negative consequences.  

Enjoyment and importance are two main components of autonomously motivated goals. When you work on goals to meet other people’s demands or out of necessity, you rarely feel the satisfaction that comes with achieving goals. It’s the accomplishment of goals caused by internal motivations such as interests, desires, values and identities that fulfils you. Extrinsic motivation leads to career stagnation because it kills your curiosity, reduces enjoyment and turns work into a daily chore.   

When you are intrinsically motivated, your own internal reward system in the form of positive emotions acts as a powerful force to pursue the task. You repeat behaviors that are fulfilling because the activity itself seems pleasurable. It’s a process that you enjoy repeating every single day. The joy of acting inline with your values inspires you to keep going even when you face challenges and setbacks.

The most successful people, the evidence shows, often aren’t directly pursuing conventional notions of success. They’re working hard and persisting through difficulties because of their internal desire to control their lives, learn about their world, and accomplish something that endures.
― Daniel H. Pink, Drive

You’re headed for career stagnation if you rely on external pressure to do the work instead of being self-motivated. 

You’re surrounded by the same set of people

Have you stopped taking the initiative to expand your network at work? Have you limited yourself to a certain set or group of people? Do you prefer hanging out with some while ignoring the rest?

When you surround yourself with a certain set of people, your thinking gets limited by the topics they discuss, views they have and the perspectives they share. These interactions instead of expanding your thinking makes you more rigid in your ideas, thoughts and beliefs. You automatically lean towards certain decisions. You automatically favor some while disregarding others. You automatically act without consciously evaluating different options.

Forming echo chambers at work by gravitating towards people who share similar backgrounds, communication styles or personal philosophies can lead to blind spots and groupthink. You may fail to spot risks and flaws in your plan as you don’t let dissent in. You may rehash the same ideas instead of coming up with a completely new strategy. Echo chambers stagnate growth by keeping you trapped inside a bubble.  

Increasingly, we take our disagreements not to the people we disagree with but to our own echo chambers—spaces where we can talk about, rather than to, the other side—where like-minded people echo our own beliefs right back to us.
― Justin Lee, Talking Across the Divide

You’re headed for career stagnation if you seek confirmation and groupthink instead of exploring diverse opinions. 

You constantly complain about growth

Do you blame others for not being able to grow? Do you spend your time agonizing over the fact that nothing changes instead of acting in ways that will enable growth? Have you stopped investing in learning and improving because you believe that putting effort will be of no use?

If all you do is blame, complain and sob instead of identifying what’s blocking your growth and taking action to fix it, you’ll be left feeling undervalued, unappreciated and miserable. Blaming other people or external circumstances for your situation prevents you from accepting the reality of your situation—you fail to separate fiction from facts. You fail to notice the gaps in your own skills that’s holding you back. You fail to make your work visible which will establish your knowledge and credibility. Your career stagnates when you don’t feel empowered for your own growth. 

Taking responsibility shifts your perspective from problems to solutions. You can look at the obstacles in your path and devise ways to navigate each one. You can create a plan of action to bridge the gap in your knowledge and skills. You can identify opportunities to showcase your value and make your work visible. You can schedule regular feedback conversations with your manager to stay updated on how you’re doing while also sharing your expectations and concerns. 

Constantly focusing on the limitations, instead of all the possibilities, is how people become stuck in their lives. It only serves to recreate the same old reality from day to day. And soon the days turn into years, and lifetimes.
― Anthon St. Maarten

You’re headed for career stagnation if you refuse to take responsibility for your own growth. 

You keep bringing up past achievements 

Do you rely only on your past experience and knowledge to make decisions? Do you bring up your prior achievements and success in conversations frequently? Do you talk more about what you’ve accomplished earlier instead of something that happened recently? 

Living in the past prevents you from paying attention to the present—you fail to notice when your old skills are no longer relevant. You fail to take into account the current context which demands an entirely new approach. You fail to challenge ideas because you assume that what worked in the past must still be relevant. Using your past successes to measure your current worth is a flawed approach—it stagnates your career by preventing you from striving for learning and getting better.  

Applying old knowledge, experience and judgment to new decisions without validating their relevance to the current context leads to bad choices and poor decisions. Assuming what worked in the past must work in the present makes you ignore other options and possibilities. Your past keeps you trapped from paying attention to the future and its needs.

No matter how much you’ve done or how successful you’ve been, there is always more to do, more to learn, more to achieve.
― Barack Obama

You’re headed for career stagnation if you keep bringing up your past experience and achievements because your current work isn’t worthy of mention.

You feel threatened by high performing people

Do you compare yourself to others? Do you wish you could do what they’re capable of doing? Do you ruminate about the things you don’t have—intelligence, confidence, presence—and feel inadequate when you see it in others? 

While comparison is naturally tempting and can sometimes be a valuable source of motivation and growth, not considering the downsides of using others as a benchmark of your worth can trap you within a frenzy of constant self-doubt. Playing the comparison game can lead to feelings of inadequacy if the rate at which you’re achieving things doesn’t measure up in comparison to others’ bigger and better accomplishments. Instead of feeling inspired by people who are excelling at work, you may feel insecure, jealous and resentful. You may consider them as your rivals. 

If you constantly compare yourself to others, you unconsciously put yourself through a lot of mental agony—you obsess and ruminate about what you lack instead of your unique abilities. It kills the joy and pleasure of learning new things and getting better at your craft. It erodes your confidence and causes you to overlook your strengths. When you rely on others achievements to measure your self-worth, you set yourself up for inevitable frustration. Your career stagnates as you stop trying and putting in the effort that’s necessary to succeed. 

Instead of beating yourself up with the accomplishments of those around you, what if you compared yourself to your own ideal self—the person you wish to become? When life is about becoming a better version of yourself, you’re no longer concerned with falling short in comparison to others. Rather, what matters is how you’re improving, what you’re learning and whether you’re getting better each day. 

This fundamental shift is what Warren Buffet, one of the most successful investors in the world, refers to as keeping an “inner scorecard.” The inner scorecard refers to living through values that are important to you. The outer scorecard refers to what could be measured by those around you.

The only comparison for you to make is with yourself. You are the only person you should outperform.
― Cristina Imre

You’re headed for career stagnation if comparing yourself to others leads to feelings of frustration, low self-confidence, shame, resentment or envy. 

Summary

1. You can’t remember the last time you lost track of time at work. Flow—that state of complete immersion where time stands still—is gone. And with it, the joy, the energy and the quality of your work.
2. Your to-do list is full but you’re not growing. You’re busy, not challenged. There’s a difference and it matters more than most people realize.
3. You’ve gone quiet in meetings. You stopped asking questions. You stopped sharing ideas. Curiosity didn’t disappear—you just stopped acting on it.
4. Feedback has become background noise. You hear it, but you don’t act on it. Without course correction, you keep making the same mistakes on a longer timeline.
5. You only move when someone pushes you. Deadlines and pressure have replaced personal drive. When external pressure is your only fuel, the tank is usually empty.
6. You’re surrounded by the same people, thinking the same thoughts. Familiarity is comfortable. It’s also where fresh thinking goes to die.
7. You talk about what’s not working more than what you’re doing to fix it. Complaining feels productive. It isn’t. Responsibility is the only thing that actually moves the needle.
8. Your best stories are from a few years ago. Past success is a reference point, not a resting place. If it’s all you talk about, your present isn’t saying much.
9. High performers make you anxious, not inspired. The gap between where you are and where they are doesn’t have to breed resentment—it can be a roadmap.

Recommended Reading

Designing Your Life By Bill Burnett, Dave Evans

The Squiggly Career By Helen Tupper, Sarah Ellis

The post 9 Signs You’re Stagnating at Work appeared first on TechTello.

When you work with someone who doesn’t get you, there’s friction, misunderstanding, confusion and a feeling of lack of support. Conversations go around in circles, unnecessary disagreements pop up and the lack of camaraderie makes work feel like a slog instead of a pleasant experience. This happens when you don’t take the time to understand the other person, don’t make an attempt to find out what matters to them and don’t invest in building relationships at work. 

Without connecting with people, jumping to solve problems, devise solutions or collaborate on a project feels annoying, difficult and burdensome. You hate the experience. You don’t want it to repeat. All the drama and negative emotions widen the gap instead of bringing you closer to people.  

The stronger are your work relationships, the easier it is to connect, collaborate and achieve goals. Relationships, built up over time, is the essential ingredient to be influential at work. People are more likely to engage with you when they feel a positive connection built using shared values, trust and mutual respect. They are more likely to value your opinions and follow your lead. They are more likely to advocate for your work and amplify your influence in meetings and decision-making processes. 

In today’s fast-paced world, it is tempting to look for shortcuts. But there are no quick paths to achieving lasting fame or fortune. The only sure way to success is to develop and nurture solid relationships that are grounded in trust.
― Patrick Galvin, The Trusted Way

Here are some of the practices I have used over the years to build real relationships at work:

Be authentic, don’t fake it

If you try to fake interest or manipulate people into believing you’re genuinely interested in their work, you may get their attention for a while, but it won’t lead to a lasting connection. Putting on an act of care, warmth and empathy makes others feel tricked, exploited and deceived. Acting brave when you’re scared inside, portraying an image of an expert when you know nothing about the topic or showing your approval when you disagree with something makes you come across as insecure, insincere and phony. 

Real relationships are built on a sense of connection that only shows up when you’re your most authentic self. When you don’t put on an act of perfection and embrace your vulnerability. When you’re willing to acknowledge gaps in your knowledge and show curiosity to learn from others. When you care less about building an image and more about understanding others.  

Deception tactics only lead to fake relationships. Real relationships are built using trust. Manipulating others to like you, respect you or even trust you is short-lived. Others can eventually make out if you were genuine or just faking it.

Building relationships is not about transactions—it’s about connections. When we come from an authentic, genuine place in ourselves, our efforts to connect with people work to their fullest. Our relationships develop more easily and last longer, and we feel better about the people.
— Michelle Tillis Lederman, 11 Laws of Likability

Don’t try to fake anything. Authenticity goes a long way in building real connections.

Prioritize assertiveness, not approval

If you try to over-accommodate, suppress your own needs and say yes to others only to gain their approval, be liked and accepted, you may appear charming in the short-term, but always being compliant, flexible and co-operative makes you come across as a person with low confidence and low self-esteem. Your lack of honesty, tendency to overcommit and sugarcoat a problem instead of addressing it directly can lead to blind spots, missed deadlines and make problems linger on. Your reluctance to give honest feedback when it’s needed the most can lead to missed opportunities. 

Real relationships are built when you speak your truth, even if it displeases someone or makes them mad. When you’re not trying very hard to appear agreeable, you end up being more helpful. When you offer honest feedback without fear of judgment, you come across as bold and confident. When you set boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not, you build respect by showing up as someone who knows what they want. 

People pleasing only leads to hollow connections. Real relationships are built using autonomy. Putting on a facade of false harmony causes the relationship to break down and crumble under pressure. 

You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman–Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Don’t appear agreeable to be liked. Build long-lasting relationships by prioritizing assertiveness over seeking approval. 

Make others feel important 

If you don’t hold others in high regard, recognize them for their work, praise and appreciate them when they do great work, you may come across as arrogant, self-centered and emotionally distant. Not elevating others with the worry that it will jeopardize your own position, make your achievements seem less significant or steal your spotlight prevents you from connecting with them at a deeper level.  

Real relationships are built by making others feel important—speaking positively about them, inviting them to share their expertise or making them feel heard and understood by actively listening to them. We naturally gravitate towards people who uplift us. So, making others feel valued is a strategic way to strengthen relationships, increase your influence and come across as a supportive colleague. But it’s important that your appreciation comes across as genuine, not forced. Others can easily sense when you are complimenting them to earn a favor or trying to manipulate them to see things your way. Fake interactions can leave others feeling used which can make you come across as inauthentic, opportunist or dishonest—someone who can’t be trusted or taken seriously.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving. This need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life.
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Put your ego aside. Create meaningful connections by demonstrating intellectual curiosity and showing interest in others and their work. 

Acknowledge your weakness

If you always portray an image of strength, you may hide your mistakes or try to cover up your weaknesses. Coming across as a person without flaws makes you appear cold and inhuman. Other humans, being inherently flawed, find it hard to relate to you. Not being able to see the “real you” behind that facade of perfectionism prevents others from finding a common link that will connect them to you. Using strength as a protective shield can also invoke feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy and self-doubt in others—they may avoid you to save themselves from those negative emotions. 

Real relationships are built by being vulnerable—showing up as a person who’s afraid just like others, someone who doesn’t know everything, who is not always showing up as a symbol of excellence. Sharing your mistakes, acknowledging your failures and openly talking about your weaknesses not only engages others, it encourages them to be vulnerable too. It unlocks conversations that are based on honesty, sense of belonging, acceptance and inclusion. It creates a feeling of shared identity and emotional connection.   

Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

Stop hiding your weakness. Your flaws are what builds relationships by bringing you close to others. 

Be less judgmental, more curious

If you have the habit of jumping to conclusions, blaming others or assuming bad intent when others act in ways that do not match your interest or when things don’t work out the way you expected, you may show up in ways that come across as opinionated and judgmental. Refusing to look beyond your personal narrative and evaluate the situation from another person’s perspective makes you attribute behavior to malice, bad character or incompetence. Your judgmental attitude puts others off and strains relationships—no one likes being victimized, judged and criticized. No one likes getting a “poor” character certificate.  

Real relationships are built by validating assumptions, showing curiosity to understand others and exploring alternative perspectives. It requires not labeling others as “lazy, boring, incompetent, stupid, irritating, biased, reckless or rude” and instead giving them a chance and getting to know who they really are. When you make an attempt to listen with curiosity, you show your intent to understand others. Feeling heard and understood is what builds great relationships. 

It’s not at all hard to understand a person; it’s only hard to listen without bias.
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

Don’t be quick to judge others. Asking what happened gets you closer to understanding, which connects people and strengthens relationships. 

Give with no strings attached

If you tend to put your own interests ahead of other people’s needs, you may evaluate every situation based on how it benefits you. Will sharing knowledge increase your visibility? Will solving other people’s problems earn you credit? Will attending an office party lead to better connections with the higher-ups? When your interest and participation is only based on what you’ll gain and what you have to lose, anything that involves a lose-win situation is out of scope. Anything that involves a sacrifice without getting anything in return is a big “no-no.” Anything that does not make you look better or supreme compared to others is of no value. You try to give based on what you can get. This keeps your relationships superficial and need based. 

Real relationships are built by putting other people’s needs ahead of your own. Sharing your knowledge and experience without boasting, helping those in need without expecting anything in return or mentoring others without any recognition makes you come across as a genuine person who actually cares about others. Your “giving” attitude plays a big role in the love, support and respect you gain. Giving does not mean sacrificing to the level of personal harm or always putting others ahead of your own needs. It means not evaluating every situation through the lens of gain and loss, not trying to turn every situation to your advantage and not making a big deal out of every contribution.

Success depends heavily on how we approach our interactions with other people. Every time we interact with another person at work, we have a choice to make: do we try to claim as much value as we can, or contribute value without worrying about what we receive in return?
― Adam M. Grant, Give and Take

Don’t treat others as your points of leverage. Bond with others by lifting them up and trying to give more than what you take. 

Connect beyond work

If you keep your interactions limited to work—bug to fix, feature to build, tasks to complete, design to review, projects to deliver—your conversations feel emotionless and transactional. Without emotions, people feel detached, disconnected and indifferent. They forget about you as soon as the work is done. Without making an attempt to know others beyond work, you fail to find a common link—like a shared interest, similar life experiences, cultural similarities or even alignment on personal philosophy—which keeps your relationships superficial without establishing a deeper connection. 

Real relationships are built by taking an interest in others beyond work—showing curiosity to know about their background, their family, their schooling, their likes, dislikes and their personal goals. When you take a moment to understand the human behind work, you create the opportunity to make them feel seen and heard. It creates an instant connection that no amount of work can do. Knowing others’ background, history and experience also puts you in a unique position to show empathy and compassion. 

Perhaps to really know another person, you have to have a glimmer of how they experience the world. 
― David Brooks, How to Know a Person

Don’t make communication transactional. Build strong relationships by opening up, sharing your history and inviting others to share it too. 

Summary

1. Faking interest in others just to get closer to them doesn’t build a lasting relationship because others can sense when you’re genuinely interested in them and when you’re just faking it. Also, putting on an act of bravery or portraying an image of expertise makes others feel cheated which leads to disconnection and distrust. 
2. Becoming too agreeable or constantly seeking approval does not make you likable. Rather, it makes you come across as a person with low worth and self-confidence. To build relationships, be assertive—show up strong, confident and decisive. 
3. When you refuse to lift others up out of fear of being overshadowed or less respected, you give up on the opportunity to make others feel valued, understood and appreciated, which is necessary to connect and form meaningful relationships that are based on feelings of trust and mutual respect. 
4. If you put on a facade of perfection by hiding your mistakes and weaknesses, you prevent others from seeing the “real you.” Deep connections are formed by accepting your flaws, embracing your vulnerabilities and showing a deep desire to learn and become better, not by hiding imperfections.
5. It’s easy to label others negatively when they act against our predisposed beliefs, ideas and expectations. Not considering the context or the alternate perspectives makes you assume the worst in others, when there are other possible explanations. Being opinionated and judgmental strains relationships instead of building them. 
6. When you keep self-interest at the core of your decisions, you evaluate every situation from the lens of how it benefits you, not how you can help others. Selfless contributions without expecting a return on investment of your time, energy or attention is necessary to build real relationships that aren’t based on give-and-take.
7. When all your interactions with others are confined to projects and tasks, you fail to see the human behind work. This keeps your connections superficial, emotionless and transactional. To build real relationships, you have to take interest in people that go beyond work.

Recommended Reading

How to Know a Person By David Brooks

Get Better By Todd Davis

The post How to Build Real Relationships at Work appeared first on TechTello.

I have worked with hundreds of smart people over the years—people with great thinking abilities, passion for solving complex problems and intelligence to focus on details that others tend to miss. They’re sharp, driven and highly logical when tasked with a responsibility or challenges at work. They are quick to think on their feet which acts like a superpower when dealing with chaotic situations, fires to be put out or urgent demands at work.  

Their smartness will catch your attention within just a few minutes of interaction, but their intelligence instead of being inspirational can also be intimidating. You may find it hard to connect, collaborate and work with them. You may find it difficult to share your ideas or make them hear your viewpoint. You may find yourself nodding in agreement even when you disagree with them. Their intelligence can create distance and push people away instead of bringing them closer. 

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.
― Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence

Smart people often struggle to build trust because they place too much focus on logic and data while ignoring other essential elements like care, warmth, kindness, patience and empathy. Brilliance alone is not sufficient to earn trust. 

Here are the 5 most common mistakes I have seen smart people make that prevents them from building trust: 

Relying on logic alone to win hearts

Smart people are logical—they make extensive use of data and facts to support their argument. They appeal to your intellect by coming up with creative ideas and solutions. Logic, reasoning and problem solving dominates their thinking, which makes them disregard emotions. Their intellectual curiosity prevents them from paying attention to other human needs—warmth, connection and a sense of belonging. 

They charm you with their brain, but fail to capture the heart. 

They appeal to your intellect, but do not gain your confidence. 

They get your attention momentarily, but do not last long.  

Without connecting with people at a deeper level—beyond information, knowledge and intellect—they fail to leave a lasting impact. Without understanding how others feel, they miss the opportunity to gain trust. Trust is based on feeling safe, seen and heard. Without emotional signals of warmth, empathy and care, interactions feel cold, transactional and unsafe. When emotions aren’t acknowledged, concerns and fears remain unaddressed, which creates distance instead of building connection. 

To uncover their emotional blind spots, smart people need to ask these questions:

1. Are they trying to convince others with facts when they may need understanding first?
2. Do they prioritize being correct over being connected in conversations?
3. What emotions might others be experiencing that they’re not acknowledging?
4. Do they actively build emotional safety?
5. Do they listen to respond with logic or to genuinely understand other’s perspective?
6. Are they mistaking intellectual agreement for emotional buy-in?
7. When was the last time they led with empathy instead of explanation?

Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion, and empathy.
― Dean Koontz

Logic appeals to the mind, but it’s the emotions that determine who someone chooses to believe and follow. No amount of logic can build trust when emotions are missing. 

Assuming others are on the same page

When smart people share their ideas and opinions, they often create a disconnect between what they convey and what others understand. This happens because they use abstract language, switch between ideas without establishing a clear connection or use phrases and jargons that only people with deep knowledge of the topic understand. They fail to notice that others are not at their level or don’t have the same background and knowledge as they do. Their intelligence prevents them from seeing that others are having a hard time understanding them. 

Unspoken assumptions create confusion and disconnect.

Complex language and solutions build doubt and skepticism. 

Jumping to conclusion without the context leads to indecision.

Without slowing down, getting down to basics and using easily accessible words and phrases, they may get a few nodding heads, but they do not get their trust and support—people go back to old ways of doing things and fail to adapt to the changes because they don’t feel invested in the decision. Trust is not built by showing up as the smart one with complex ideas and solutions or leaving the burden of making sense out of jargons to others—it requires a conscious effort to reduce complexity, make things simple and frame it in a manner that’s easy for everyone to understand.  

To communicate effectively, smart people need to ask these questions:

1. Are they using language that makes sense to others or to people who think like them?
2. Have they checked for understanding or are they assuming others have understood?
3. Have they explained the ‘why’ and context or are they jumping straight to conclusions and solutions?
4. Would someone outside their expertise easily follow this explanation?
5. Have they invited questions or unintentionally signaled that questions aren’t welcome?
6. Are they mistaking speed of thinking for shared understanding?
7. What might be obvious to them that needs to be made explicit to others?

The more people know about something, the harder it is for them to package explanations and instructions in ways that others can comprehend.  Experts’ actions become so automatic to them that they forget the simple steps they had to learn and other struggles they faced as novices.
― Robert I. Sutton, Good Boss, Bad Boss

People are not persuaded by what someone says, but by what they understand. Simple may be harder than complex, but it’s what builds trust in the end. 

Prioritizing correctness over connection

Smart people rely on being right to prove their intellect—they can’t put their reputation and credibility at stake by being wrong. They’re quick to point out flaws, highlight mistakes and dismiss suggestions they find useless or ineffective. When others disagree with them or conversations get heated, they try to shut them down by dumping them with data and information. This makes them insensitive and sometimes even rude because they try to win the argument at all costs.   

Passing mean remarks to express their disappointment.

Interrupting others or dismissing their ideas because they’re less effective. 

Coaxing others to support them because they think they’re right. 

Dismissing, shutting down and always telling others why they’re wrong builds resentment—no one likes being judged, criticized or brushed aside. In trying to do the right thing, they lose sight of something that matters more—connecting with people and building relationships. Without an element of care and kindness, they come across as inconsiderate, indifferent and arrogant, which breeds mistrust and a sense of disconnection. Building trust doesn’t require sugarcoating, people pleasing or hiding the truth. It simply requires being human–-understanding others, communicating intent and collaborating to seek the right path together.      

To balance caring personally with doing the right thing, smart people need to ask these questions: 

1. Are they more focused on proving their point than understanding the person in front of them?
2. Do they interrupt, correct and debate before fully listening to others’ perspectives?
3. When someone disagrees, do they feel an urge to win rather than to explore?
4. Have they considered how often being “right” might make others feel dismissed or small?
5. Do people hesitate to share unfinished thoughts or ideas with them? Why?
6. Do they value intellectual accuracy over emotional safety in conversations?
7. What relationships have weakened because they prioritized logic over connection?
8. If they let go of being right, will others be more open?

Being right is actually a very hard burden to be able to carry gracefully and humbly. That’s why nobody likes to sit next to the kid in class who’s right all the time. One of the hardest things in the world is to be right and not hurt other people with it.
― John Ortberg

Using intellect to prove others wrong works like a knife with a deep cut that lasts long. It makes people feel inadequate, defensive and stressed which hurts the relationship instead of building trust.  

Showing low tolerance for mistakes

Smart people fear mistakes as they cast doubt on their intellect and competence. They apply their due diligence to minimize risks and evaluate the various possibilities to prevent mistakes. While their sharpness enables them to foresee errors and take corrective steps from the beginning, in collaborative environments where other people and dependencies are involved, many things don’t go as planned and mistakes are common. This can make smart people mad and highly controlling. 

Dictating every part of the project.

Taking over other’s work instead of letting them learn.

Exploding with anger when things don’t go as planned.

Treating mistakes as bad or failures as a sign of incompetence creates the unnecessary pressure to achieve perfection. It makes people spend more time avoiding mistakes than designing better solutions. It makes them hide their faults instead of seeking inputs and learning valuable lessons. It creates an unsafe environment where trust goes hiding while fear prevails. Meeting goals, achieving success and never failing on the way does not build trust. Trust shows up when mistakes and failures are embraced and not looked down upon. 

To improve their tolerance for mistakes, smart people need to ask these questions:

1. Do they react to a mistake with curiosity or irritation?
2. Have others become quieter, more cautious or overly defensive around them?
3. Do they treat mistakes as learning moments or as evidence of incompetence?
4. How often do they acknowledge their own mistakes and what it taught them?
5. Are they unintentionally creating fear of failure instead of psychological safety?
6. Do people bring them problems early or only after they’ve already escalated?
7. What signals are they sending about what’s acceptable—growth or perfection?

Make excellent mistakes. Too many people spend their time avoiding mistakes. They’re so concerned about being wrong, about messing up, that they never try anything — which means they never do anything. Their focus is avoiding failure. But that’s actually a crummy way to achieve success. The most successful people make spectacular mistakes — huge, honking screwups! why? They’re trying to do something big, but each time they make a mistake, they get a little better and move a little closer to excellence. Making mistakes seems risky. It is/ But it’s more risky not to. Mistakes come from having high aspirations, from trying to do something nobody else has done.
― Daniel H. Pink, The Adventures of Johnny Bunko

By showing encouragement and support in moments when people make mistakes, smart people can not only enable them to not give up, they can gain their trust. 

Speaking up more than listening

Smart people care about being impactful—they don’t want to miss any opportunity to share their thought process or solve complex problems. But their desire to add value can make them hijack conversations, force their views and do all the talking. They cut people off, don’t give them an opportunity to speak and hardly show curiosity to hear others’ ideas and perspectives. They try to get attention by raising their voice, repeating what they want others to hear or saying things in a manner that’s likely to get their attention by being sarcastic or strongly opinionated. They assume that talking is the only way to make themselves heard and understood. 

Interrupting and getting defensive to get the message across.

Not acknowledging others feelings and point of view.

Conveying impatience through tone of voice, hand gestures and other non-verbal signals. 

But being smart and knowledgeable does not make them worthy of others’ time and respect. It does not give them permission to share their opinion, tell their stories or dole out advice. It’s not a free pass to discourage others from speaking up, sharing and saying what they needed to say. Listening poorly limits smart people—they fail to understand others which deprives them from bonding, building trust, learning, growing and most important of all, evolving as a human being. Trust requires curiosity to understand others, which can’t be done without creating the space for them to speak.  

To listen effectively, smart people need to ask these questions:

1. How much of the conversation do they tend to occupy compared to others?
2. Do they listen to understand or to prepare their response?
3. Do they jump in quickly with answers, solutions or explanations?
4. Have people stopped finishing their thoughts when they’re around?
5. Do they ask genuine follow-up questions or move the conversation back to their point?
6. Are they more comfortable sharing ideas than sitting in silence?

Listening is a way of offering others our scarcest, most precious gift: our attention. Once we’ve demonstrated that we care about them and their goals, they’re more willing to listen to us.
― Adam M. Grant, Think Again

Others feel seen when they’re heard without judgments and opinions. Listening intently builds trust more than any amount of talking can do. 

Summary

1. Smart people rely on logic to get others attention, but logic without emotions does not leave a lasting impact. There’s no trust without warmth and empathy. 
2. Smart people use complex language and jargon to convey their ideas without realizing that others may not have the same knowledge as they do. There’s no place for trust with superficial understanding.
3. Smart people like being right, which makes them over-correct others, dismiss their ideas and focus on finding faults. There’s no trust when there’s constant criticism and judgment.
4. Smart people think mistakes will make them look bad, which makes them extra cautious and hyper focused on avoiding them. There’s no trust when failures are looked down upon. 
5. Smart people do all the talking without pausing to listen to others and understand them. There’s no trust without making others feel seen and heard.

Recommended Reading

Trust By Henry Cloud

The Thin Book of Trust By Charles Feltman

The post Why Smart People Often Struggle to Build Trust appeared first on TechTello.

Our habits define not only who we are today, but also who we can become. They shape how we act, what we achieve and where we end up. Consciously adopted habits empower us to feel in control at work—we can determine where to pay attention, when to act and how to manage emotions. We can decide, choose our reaction and respond with intention. We can take responsibility, solve problems and lead with better judgment. 

Habits make us or break us. They determine how we are perceived, whether we are valued and what opportunities land our way. When we ignore our bad habits or don’t pay attention to them, we make a choice to let those habits decide our future. These habits may seem small at first, even unharmful, but when repeated over weeks and months, they become part of our identity—we behave a certain way, make decisions and respond to situations without our conscious awareness. Our brain which has learned from our habits creates the wiring necessary to run on autopilot.   

But habits determine your behavior, not who you are. Habits can trigger automatically, but they aren’t hard wired. You can change them. You can break old patterns and replace them with new circuits. You can build habits that can help you stay productive, do impactful work and achieve growth without killing yourself in the process. 

Habits are powerful, but delicate. They can emerge outside our consciousness, or can be deliberately designed. They often occur without our permission, but can be reshaped by fiddling with their parts. They shape our lives far more than we realize—they are so strong, in fact, that they cause our brains to cling to them at the exclusion of all else, including common sense.
― Charles Duhigg, The Power Of Habit

Here are the 10 work habits that you should leave behind this year:

Starting the day with your inbox

If you have the habit of starting your work by checking emails, you aren’t alone. Most people unconsciously open it as the first thing at work. Getting emails out of the way before getting down to real work may seem like a good strategy—afterall, once you have responded to all pending communication, your mind will be free to focus on other priorities at work. 

However, emails hijack your schedule. Instead of working on tasks that you had set aside for the day, you start inheriting other people’s priorities.  

Urgent report requirement. 

Bug affecting customers. 

Request to review a design document.

Integration issues.

Emails don’t leave you the moment you read them. They make you put your own planned work aside to create space for new priorities. You start doing the work that will help you seek closure on each email—thinking it will only take a few moments—but these small units of work add up and eat up your time. Even if you try to put aside what you’ve read and decide to respond to it at a later moment, the thought of a pending email response makes it hard to concentrate and get other meaningful work done.   

Instead of checking your email first thing in the morning and then getting sucked in and reacting to other people’s priorities, deal with email at the end of the day. That way, you can use your prime hours for your Highlight and other important work. You’ll probably have a little less energy at the end of the day, but that is actually a good thing when it comes to email: You’ll be less tempted to overcommit by saying yes to every incoming request and less likely to bang out a multipage manifesto when a simple reply would do. 
— Jake Knapp, Make Time

Emails are important. But instead of starting with them, add a mid-day and end-of-day email routine to tackle them at a specific time. Add it to your calendar—knowing that you have a time set aside for later reduces the temptation to take a quick look or browse through them. 

Change your habit—check your email twice per day, never first thing in the morning. 

Confusing busyness for effectiveness

If you have the habit of working long hours, accepting every meeting invite and jumping in whenever there’s a fire to be put out, you may be trying to showcase your value by appearing “busy.” You may believe that staying busy will establish your importance and put you in front of people who have the power to fast-track your career. 

However, busyness dims the light around you because you fail to produce work that will make you stand out or be visible.  

Attending meetings all day long.

Being part of every decision.

Handling urgent requests. 

Never saying no.  

Busyness creates an illusion of productivity. Being caught inside the ‘busy trap’ makes it harder for you to see that productivity is not based on the number of hours you put in; it’s the time spent creating value. Being overwhelmed and swamped with work makes you overcommitted and under-strategic about where you add value. Busyness also saves you from the discomfort that comes from doing hard things—things that will move you forward but require you to step outside your comfort zone. 

Beating busy isn’t easy, but it’s a fight worth having. The harder you struggle against the broiling froth of demand, the harder you resist the lure of the immediate, or the call of the ping, the clearer you become about what really matters to you. 
― Tony Crabbe, Busy

Being productive requires intentionality. It requires purposefully making time for work that’s useful and cutting down on inconsequential activities. When you don’t know what you want or don’t have clearly defined priorities, your effort is stretched out in too many directions. Being spread too thin in too many places leaves you exhausted without creating value. 

To break from the busyness trap, pause, zoom out and reassess where your time is going. Identify what truly drives results and let go of the rest. Don’t fill your day with endless tasks—make strategic choices about what to take on, what to delegate and what to say no to.

Change your habit—stop focusing on things that don’t matter and start spending time on things that do. 

Overcommitting to prove your value

If you have the habit of saying “yes” to every incoming request without paying attention to how it fits into your schedule, the value it adds or the time and energy needed to fulfill those commitments, you may be over-committing to establish your worth and prove to others how skilled, knowledgeable and experienced you are. 

However, making commitments without thoughtful consideration leads to over-promising and under-delivering as you can’t possibly achieve everything you said you’ll do.

Missed deadlines.

Poor quality work.

Half-baked ideas.

No-show.

You complain about too-much work. You’re exhausted from juggling too many priorities. You struggle to focus. You’re distracted by the overwhelming demands and expectations others have from you. Overcommitting to show your worth reduces it—breaking promise strains relationship, reduces your credibility and tells others to not trust you with key projects and initiatives. Trying to do more makes you do less as your attention is spread across too many priorities. 

Will some people consider you selfish when you say no to them? Of course. You can’t control that. And it’s worth noting, you’re not responsible for them feeling that way.
― Damon Zahariades, The Art Of Saying NO

You earn trust and respect by carefully evaluating your priorities, pushing back on unrealistic timelines or irrational demands and committing to work that are inline with your goals. It’s not about doing less or being pessimistic, but knowing where your effort matters, getting your priorities straightened out and putting your time and energy into it. Saying “no” can upset some people in the short-term, but leads to overall better long-term results—fcousing on a few things and doing them well maximizes your impact.   

Change your habit—endure short-term pain for long-term gain; say “yes” less often and “no” more. 

Reacting when emotions are high

If you have the habit of reacting to people who say or do things that conflict with your opinion—criticism turns you defensive, disagreement makes you resentful or mismatch in expectations makes you lose your cool—you may be responding to strong emotions that such situations tend to evoke. 

Uncontrollable, sudden, and intense emotions that overwhelm you, can dramatically and unexpectedly shift your mood, making you say or do things you regret later.

Shouting.

Saying impolite things.

Negative body language. 

Bursting into tears.

Emotions cloud your judgment. You start taking things personally. You act without thinking. You become a victim of your thoughts and circumstances. Instead of calmly handling the situation, you respond with unrest and unease. Your voice grows louder, posture turns rigid and your tone loses its warmth signaling stress and agitation. Reacting to emotions instead of carefully and thoughtfully responding does not lead to a resolution and instead makes the situation worse. 

Empowering emotions help you discover the lessons of every situation and move toward your goals. Disempowering interpretations tie you to negativity and get in the way of your goals. Reappraisal involves recognizing the negative pattern developing in your thoughts and changing it to one that is more desirable, but in a manner that is still based in reality.
― Leonard Mlodinow, Emotional

Emotions are powerful signals that guide us towards what matters to us—use them as input without letting them control your behavior. You don’t have to ignore or avoid them, but you don’t have to trust every narrative they create. Learn to challenge, question and doubt your thinking. Look for alternative explanations or other ways to interpret your situation. Choose to reply after giving it a thought without responding to your impulses. 

Change your habit—stop reacting emotionally, start responding rationally. 

Waiting for permission before taking action

If you have the habit of waiting for the work to be assigned—tasks to be completed, projects to be delivered, issues to be fixed—you may be dependent on others for your own growth. This may happen because you may assume good opportunities will land your way if you keep delivering on your promises or you’ll get the promotion you deserve by showing you’re reliable and trustworthy. 

However, work environments aren’t designed to lift people up who do the assigned work or those who wait for permission to grow. 

Someone else gets the new project.

Someone else gets the promotion.

Someone else gets the recognition.

Someone else gets the visibility. 

You may be frustrated from feeling invisible at work despite your contributions. You may constantly face disappointment and dissatisfaction of being overlooked and neglected. Yet, ruminating by replaying the same negative thoughts or wallowing in your misery prevents you from doing the one thing that can make you stand out and be visible at work—taking initiative. If you keep waiting for work to be assigned or keep waiting to be told what to do, you may never get the attention of people who have the power to shape your career. 

You won’t be rewarded with exciting new opportunities by keeping your head down and following the rules. If you want a new challenge at work or more responsibility, it’s on you to pitch your boss or your client on what needs to be done, why it’s a good idea, why you’re the best person to do it, and why everyone will benefit. Lead the way with your own creativity and initiative, and back it up with enthusiasm and a strong business case.
― Jocelyn K. Glei, Maximize Your Potential

Doing just the assigned work earns you a “meets” expectation, however people who excel at work constantly exceed expectations. This requires taking responsibility for your own growth and not blaming others for it. You need to identify what you want and take the necessary steps to get there—take an initiative to speak up in meetings, find creative solutions to problems, proactively share updates and advocate for your contributions. Actively seek new opportunities without waiting to be assigned. Build next level skills through small daily practice.  

Change your habit—actively seek what’s best for you, don’t settle for what others think is right. 

Avoiding difficult conversations to keep the peace

If you have the habit of pushing aside difficult conversations—giving tough feedback, handling disagreements or differences of opinion—you may prioritize keeping harmony over solving problems. You may be worried about what to say, how the other person will respond or the impact of the outcome on your relationships at work.

However, unresolved conflicts don’t disappear. Small problems turn into big issues if not handled on time.

Anger, resentment and frustration. 

Assumptions and misunderstandings.

Wrong choices and poor decisions.

Delays and missed opportunities. 

We avoid difficult conversations because it’s much easier to avoid emotionally draining and mentally exhausting situations than step right into them consciously. But putting off difficult conversation is a bad idea because issues left unaddressed escalate over time. What was once a manageable problem can grow into a much larger issue if not addressed on time. Constant worry about unresolved issues can take a toll on your mental health and lead to increased stress, anxiety and even feelings of helplessness. When important issues are being ignored or swept under the rug, it can erode trust, build resentment and damage relationships.

Beginning a conversation is an act of bravery. When you initiate a conversation, you fearlessly step into the unknown. Will the other person respond to favorably or unfavorably? Will it be a friendly or hostile exchange? There is a feeling of being on the edge. That nanosecond of space and unknowing can be intimidating. It shows your vulnerability. 
— Sakyong Mipham, The Lost Art of Good Conversation

Difficult conversations by nature are tricky. They are touchy topics that no one likes to talk about. They are challenging because they require us to navigate through discomfort, uncertainty and a wide range of complex emotions. No matter how hard a conversation is, you can’t put it off or delay it forever. Addressing issues directly, providing clarity and seeking closure can help you gain trust, respect and also alleviate stress. 

Change your habit—stop avoiding and start embracing the conflict. 

Apologizing too often

If you have the habit of saying sorry even when it’s not required—asking questions, seeking clarifications or seeking additional information, sending reminders or following up on requests, sharing disagreement or a difference of opinion, asking for help or someone’s time and attention, joining a conversation to express your views or speaking up in a meeting, making a small mistake or acting in a way that doesn’t harm anyone, receiving or giving feedback or not meeting expectations for things beyond your control—you may do it out of fear of not being accepted or not being liked or you may assume that putting yourself in a bad light will earn you sympathy. 

However, apologizing often can hurt your image and credibility—you may come across as defensive, submissive or someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. 

I’m sorry to ask you again.

I’m sorry to disturb you.

My bad. I’m a fool for not seeing it sooner.

Sorry. I am a terrible person for missing you in the invite.

Saying sorry for trivial matters or taking responsibility for things beyond your control not only makes you come across as a person with low confidence, it actually lowers your confidence too. Putting yourself down may seem like a good strategy to gain others sympathy and avoid having to face the shame and humiliation associated with feelings of saying sorry, but using self-deprecating language makes you look undeserving, incompetent and timid. 

Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism.’ It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success.
— Bobbe Sommer

Very few situations at work warrant apology. Apologizing does not make you more likable or deserving of others forgiveness. Rather, it can ruin your career by making you come across as a person with low confidence and low self-esteem. To stop apologizing unnecessarily, connect with your inner voice—identify why it’s expecting you to say sorry. Express an apology only when the situation really demands it. Instead of using excuses to justify your behavior or cover up the mistakes you made, take responsibility for your actions or the outcomes you achieved. 

Change your habit—say sorry only when it’s really needed and mean it when you say so. 

Comparing yourself to others

If you have the habit of comparing yourself to others—wishing you could do what others are capable of doing, achieve their success or build their kind of confidence—you may measure yourself against others’ definition of success as opposed to what you truly desire. 

However, comparison is not only time-consuming, the unconscious realization that you can never be as good as others can be self-destructive. 

You may procrastinate.

You may engage in self-doubt. 

You may feel unworthy and inadequate.

While comparison is naturally tempting and can sometimes be a valuable source of motivation and growth, not considering the downsides of using others as a benchmark of your worth can trap you within a frenzy of constant self-doubt. Playing the comparison game can lead to feelings of inadequacy if the rate at which you’re achieving things doesn’t measure up in comparison to others’ bigger and better accomplishments. 

Focus on whether you are fulfilling your own potential than comparing yourself to someone else. The fact that you have a natural limit to any specific ability has nothing to do with whether you are reaching the ceiling of your capabilities. People get so caught up in the fact that they have limits that they rarely exert the effort required to get close to them. Genes can not make you successful if you’re not doing the work. Until you work as hard as those you admire, don’t explain away their success as luck.
― James Clear, Atomic Habits

Instead of beating yourself up with the accomplishments of those around you, what if you compared yourself to your own ideal self—the person you wish to become? When life is about becoming a better version of yourself, you’re no longer concerned with falling short in comparison to others. Rather, what matters is how you’re improving, what you’re learning and whether you’re getting better each day. 

This fundamental shift is what Warren Buffet refers to as keeping an “inner scorecard.” The inner scorecard refers to living through values that are important to you. The outer scorecard refers to what could be measured by those around you.

Change your habit—stop competing, start achieving self-mastery.

Blaming others instead of taking responsibility

If you have the habit of blaming—complaining, pointing fingers, engaging in excuses and justifications—you refuse to take responsibility for your actions by considering others as the source of your problem. It stems from feelings of being victimized and a sense of lack of control in creating your own path to success. 

However, blaming, complaining and sobbing distracts you from putting in the effort to fix your problem.

Refusing to take accountability.

Expecting others to change their behavior. 

Showing no intent to solve the problem.

Many things can go wrong at work—conflicting priorities, unknown problems, uncertainty of decisions, misalignment of expectations, communication gaps, unrealistic deadlines and so on. Adopting a victim mentality in such cases prevents you from thinking clearly, finding solutions and moving forward. 

Considering others as the source of your misery makes you feel powerless and helpless. You feel out of control. It hits you mentally. Blaming absolves you of responsibility, makes you want to give up and accept defeat. Also, discussions tailored around pointing fingers and identifying who is at fault instead of finding solutions spreads pessimism and negativity. 

Complains are like the clouds that produce no rain no matter how thick they gather. Never depend on your complaint thinking they are stair cases. Drop that thing.
― Israelmore Ayivor, Shaping the dream

When things don’t go as expected, get rid of all the complaints, whining and drama and instead identify what you did or did not do that contributed to this result. Talk to others and get their perspective. Implement a new strategy, launch a new experiment or find creative ways to move forward. Finally, implement a feedback loop to learn and adapt. 

Change your habit—stop blaming and start taking responsibility. 

Bringing home work stress

If you have the habit of constantly checking emails at home, working late into the nights and on weekends or worrying about an important meeting the next day while having dinner, you may be carrying the work burden back with you home. You may do this because you don’t know when to draw a line and stop working.

However, not giving yourself personal space to relax and unwind can lead to exhaustion and burnout, making you perform poorly and also affecting the quality of your life. 

Health issues.

Poor decisions.

Constant irritation.

Unable to rest.

Work environments can be stressful and taking back all that stress home may leave no room to enjoy life. Work stress can distract you from things that matter—replying to emails while talking to your kids, refusing to help at home because you’re occupied with work, not paying attention to your growing belly and not making time to pursue personal growth goals.

Respectful boundaries are needed so that we can look after ourselves and continue to give to others. After all, nobody can be expected to pour from an empty cup.
― Mungi Ngomane, Everyday Ubuntu

Clearly define what matters to you and what you want to achieve in life. Set boundaries at work—both for yourself and others. Hold yourself accountable to respect those boundaries—don’t fall into the trap of making exceptions every now and then, be flexible and do it only when it’s absolutely necessary. 

Change your habit—don’t let stress from work seep into your personal life. 

Summary

1. Starting the day with emails may seem harmless before getting down to other priorities, but this habit makes you adopt other people’s priorities instead of working on tasks you had set aside for the day. 
2. Busyness gives you an illusion of productivity which keeps you occupied throughout the day, but this habit leads to long work hours with less creation of value.
3. Overcommitment can make you feel accepted and valued, but this habit breaks trust and damages credibility as you fail to keep up with your promises.
4. Reacting emotionally may be your default response to unfavourable circumstances or situations, but this habit makes you say or do things that you regret later. 
5. Waiting for work to be assigned can make you come across as reliable and trustworthy, but this habit cannot lift you up and give a boost to your career.
6. Avoiding conflicts and difficult conversations can help you avoid discomfort in the short-term, but this habit can lead to bigger problems in the long-run. 
7. Saying sorry for every small thing at work, even those that don’t warrant it, can get you others attention temporarily, but this habit makes you come across as a person with low confidence and low self-worth.
8. Comparing yourself to others can help you improve and grow, but this habit can also lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and self-doubt.
9. Blaming others can relieve you from feelings of shame and embarrassment, but this habit does not lead to growth as you fail to learn from your mistakes.  
10. Constantly thinking about work when it’s time to relax may not seem like a huge issue, but this habit impacts your personal well-being and mental health in the long run. 

Recommended Reading

Great at Work By Morten T. Hansen

Emotional Intelligence Habits By Travis Bradberry

The post 10 Work Habits to Leave Behind This Year appeared first on TechTello.

When people at work feel judged, micromanaged, unsupported or afraid of making mistakes, their default reaction is to deflect, justify, avoid or go silent. High workloads with constant pressure, multiple deadlines and great expectations can also shorten their fuse making them more reactive to setbacks, disagreements, feedback or anything they find alarming, frightening or unsafe. Ego loves being a part of any situation that challenges one’s competence—it puts up a protective shield whenever it suspects being questioned, misunderstood or being wronged. 

Workplace culture can also promote defensive behaviors by rewarding compliance, confidence, certainty and being right over curiosity, openness, honesty and humility. When employees feel pressured to always have the answer, never make mistakes or fear being embarrassed or shamed, they learn to protect themselves by retaliating, shutting down, arguing or becoming disengaged. Their focus shifts from collaborating and achieving results as a team to safeguarding their image, proving their competence and staying away from trouble.

Judging a defensive person by labeling them “difficult,” avoiding them or trying to correct them by pointing out their behavior does no good—it only makes them more cautious, watchful and guarded. Responding to defensiveness with defensiveness makes conversation unproductive as everyone tries to defend their position without listening to the other side. Refusing to collaborate or share ideas with them delays projects and makes goals hard to achieve. 

Beneath every protective behavior is a feeling (emotion) of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And beneath each feeling (emotion) of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn is a need to be safe. When we meet that need of safety rather than focus on the protective behavior that does not protect, we begin to deal with the cause and not the symptom.
― Shreve Gould

Instead of judging, avoiding or getting pulled into a defensive person’s fight-flight-freeze tendency, mindfully and tactfully handle them. Identify which of these 5 defensive behaviors the person is showing and apply the right strategy to tackle them.   

Relentless combativeness 

When you share feedback with someone, do they instantly flip, become confrontational and aggressive in not just their words, but also their body language? Do they push their ideas aggressively and react with anger? Do they push back, argue and defend themselves by attacking or debating when someone disagrees with them? Do they interrupt others to make themselves heard or become argumentative to prove their point? Do they deflect responsibility, blame others and point fingers instead of accepting their flaws and holding themselves accountable for their actions?   

That’s not what happened.

Maybe if you communicated clearly, this wouldn’t happen.

If you think you can do it better, be my guest.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

I don’t have time for this.

Their fight response is triggered when they feel attacked—because of fear of criticism, failure, inadequacy, self-doubt, loss of control or feeling powerless. Disagreements challenge their worth and they try to raise their self-esteem by putting others down. They use power, authority and dominance to hide their weakness and pretend to show up strong. They try to stay in control by dictating and forcing their viewpoint because certainty feels safe while ambiguity triggers stress response. The fear that they’ll lose respect or that their ideas will be dismissed or sidelined if they don’t push hard makes them over-explain, over-correct and over-defend—they use anger, loud voice and other negative gestures to sway the decision and influence the outcomes.  

Their fight response to defend themselves can be so blunt and instant that you may be tempted to counter attack. You may respond to their defensiveness with aggression or fight back by matching their tone and body language—there’s more finger pointing, voices get louder and the desire to correct and dominate overpowers the need to find answers. Not only do you feel attacked and minimized, they feel judged, misunderstood and invalidated too. Tension, resentment and distrust shuts down rational thinking making it harder to listen and collaborate. 

Instead of meeting combativeness with defensiveness or matching their intensity:

1. Use a steady tone, grounded posture and relaxed expression to shift their amygdala from threat to safety.
2. Show curiosity to understand. Ask questions which forces them to explain their viewpoint instead of debating why they’re right and you’re wrong.
3. Consciously pause and go silent—it interrupts their default fight tendency and gives them space to reconsider their response. 
4. Bring the topic back to the problem and the solution instead of letting the conversation spiral into power plays and blame games. 

When we resist the urge to respond impulsively, and plant ourselves in our center as opposed to grasping at straws outside ourselves, we tap into a wellspring of inner fortitude. Such mindful silence allows us to detach from the heat of the moment and respond with clarity rather than reactivity. Choosing silence more and more, we lose less and less energy to ‘dumb shit,’ as I like to say, while intelligently reclaiming our power faster and faster.
― Sol Luckman, Get Out of Here Alive

People who have the tendency to attack, curse, shout or are always ready to pick up a fight can’t be managed by arguing or fighting back. Help them cool down by staying calm and in control of your emotions, instead of being carried away in their drama.

Emotional withdrawal

Do some people appear to do the bare minimum just to get by? Do they refuse to contribute by speaking up in meetings and prefer staying silent? Do they appear disengaged and uninterested? Do they decline opportunities and sign up for easy tasks or work they have done in the past? Do they pull away and shut down when they feel overwhelmed or criticized? Do they avoid confrontation and ignore the conflict instead of facing the problem head-on and working to resolve it?

Whatever works for you.

Let’s just leave it.

I don’t want to get into it.

I don’t really have anything to say.

I don’t know….it’s ok. 

Their flight response is a defensive reaction to protect themselves from emotional exposure—feeling emotionally overloaded, threatened or unable to cope makes them turn inward instead of engaging outward and fighting back. Fear of being wrong, misunderstood or being punished makes them retreat into silence or nod in agreement—it’s safer to keep quiet and express approval than speaking up and disappointing others or facing their disapproval, judgment and rejection. Emotional withdrawal protects them from feeling overwhelmed, criticized or unsafe. 

Matching their withdrawal with indifference, disengagement or alienation can lead to further disconnection instead of bridging the gap. Labeling them as difficult or uncooperative can reinforce their feelings to hide and disappear. Getting irritated or impatient can make them feel judged—exactly the thing they’re worried about. Pushing them to talk does not work either as the pressure to speak while still feeling unsafe heightens the threat which makes them retreat further. Emotional withdrawal can feel cold, callous and disrespectful, but trying to fix their silence by pressing harder, demanding answers, lecturing or raising your voice can intensify their withdrawal tendency and make them shut down even more. 

Instead of meeting their disengagement with anger or frustration:

1. Create safety using a gentle tone, slow pace and calm body language. Peace, quiet and relaxed voice can reduce the overwhelm and emotional intensity. 
2. Normalize the feeling without the pressure and shame—make them feel seen, not exposed. For example, you can say: “The conversation feels a bit heavy right now. We can slow down if you need.” or “I noticed that you’re quiet. That’s ok.” or “Take a moment. We don’t have to rush.”
3. Show curiosity and interest in their viewpoint by asking questions. Well thought out and meaningful questions invite engagement and encourage others to share and collaborate.
4. Guide them to take small steps to reduce overwhelm. For example, you can say: “What’s the smallest thought you can share right now?” or “Which part feels ok to talk about?” or “Is there something that feels safe?”
5. Don’t jump to fix, correct or challenge their opinion once they’ve shared. Build their confidence by giving them space to speak and engaging in non-judgmental listening.    
6. In the long-term, work to build psychological safety—an environment where everyone feels safe to contribute without fear of reprisal. 

We thrive in environments that respect us and allow us to (1) feel included, (2) feel safe to learn, (3) feel safe to contribute, and (4) feel safe to challenge the status quo. If we can’t do these things, if it’s emotionally expensive, fear shuts us down. We’re not happy and we’re not reaching our potential. But when the environment nurtures psychological safety, there’s an explosion of confidence, engagement, and performance. Ask yourself if you feel included, safe to learn, safe to contribute, and safe to challenge the status quo. Finally, ask yourself if you’re creating an environment where others can do these four things. In the process, look around and see others with respect and fresh amazement, find deeper communion in your relationships, and more happiness and satisfaction in your own life.
― Timothy R. Clark, The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety

People who try to avoid or run away from difficult emotions or those who feel unsafe to express can’t be coerced into feeling differently. Help them connect and engage freely by creating an environment where concerns are heard and mistakes are shared without fear of embarrassment or retribution. 

Compulsive charm

Do some people appear over-accommodating as they agree to everything you say without any disputes? Do they constantly seek approval or reassurance before making a decision or taking an action? Do they go above and beyond at the cost of their own health to make others happy? Do they always seem to co-operate and comply to avoid conflict? Do they minimize their feelings and put others’ needs first so that they won’t get upset? 

Just checking if you’re fine with this.

Absolutely, no problem at all. 

Don’t worry. I’ll manage somehow. 

You’re right. I messed up. 

Hope that didn’t annoy you.

People pleasing is a defensive reaction that keeps people stuck in “yes,” even when every part of their body is screaming “no.” A people pleaser over-accommodates, suppresses their own needs and says yes to everything only to avoid conflict, gain approval, be liked and accepted. Fear of rejection, guilt or the belief that saying no will make them look unkind makes them apologize excessively even when not at fault, say yes to work while already being overwhelmed and nod in agreement to avoid making others unhappy. Not only do they have a hard time setting boundaries, they don’t give honest feedback when it’s needed the most. People pleasers feel burnout from over commitment, suffer from low self-esteem and lack of recognition leads to resentment that builds silently over time. 

Working with a people pleaser may seem harmless at first—they’re agreeable, helpful and rarely say no. What more could you want? But lack of honesty, tendency to overcommit and sugarcoat a problem instead of addressing it directly can lead to blind spots, missed deadlines and make problems linger on. Rewarding agreeableness, going above and beyond, doing whatever it takes and being available 24/7 while punishing conflict, dissent or honest feedback can make people-pleasers more compliant, flexible and co-operative. Calling them as fake, insincere or manipulative can shake them even more, making them more fearful, more appeasing and more compliant. 

Instead of calling out their people-pleasing tendency or pushing them to prioritize effectiveness over harmony:

1. Show them that saying no respectfully is normal and healthy.
2. Model boundary-setting so they feel safe doing it too.
3. Normalize making mistakes so that they don’t tie it to their self-worth.
4. Let them know it’s okay to speak up and offer honest feedback without fear of judgment.
5. Demonstrate that differences of opinion and healthy disagreements are necessary for collaboration, not something to avoid.

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. They are driven by avoiding negative consequences rather than creating positive possibilities. Additionally, they feel that they are always on the brink of rejection, so this urgency causes a type of panic that is characterized by doing anything possible. People-pleasing is a defensive act, whereas genuine concern and generosity are affirmative practices.
― Patrick King, Stop People Pleasing

People who equate “being good” with safety, conflict with danger and displeasing others with punishment may over-explain, over-apologize or suppress their own needs to make others happy. Help them get over their fear of rejection and disapproval by modeling behaviors where being authentic and real are valued and appreciated. 

Paralyzing shutdown

Do some people freeze and go blank when asked to share their opinion or decide on a course of action? Do they struggle to articulate their thoughts or express their viewpoint? Do they say “I don’t know” a lot or speak minimal phrases like “yeah…ok…fine.”? Do they avoid eye contact, look away or zone out when a situation feels too intense? Do they get stuck in looping thoughts, fail to choose a direction and struggle to speak or decide? Do they avoid prioritizing, choosing between options or over-analyze to avoid making the wrong move?

I just…I don’t know how to explain.

It’s too much.

I can’t talk about this right now. 

I am not sure what you want me to say.

This tendency to freeze is a defensive reaction that reflects cognitive shutdown—stop thinking, stop speaking, go blank. When a situation feels too emotionally threatening, anxiety, fear, shame, hurt, confusion and multiple other negative emotions flood the brain—it becomes foggy, stops processing information efficiently and triggers a reflexive response to shut down to avoid escalating conflict, making the wrong move or being judged or criticized. Silence feels like a safe choice when the fear of saying the wrong thing, being misunderstood, attacked, blamed or failing feels too overwhelming and emotionally intense. 

Misinterpreting their freeze response as lack of commitment, capability or interest can make you react with irritation, judgment or assumptions intensifying their need to coop up and coil inward. Drowning them in too much information to help them make a decision when they already feel overloaded can increase overwhelm, triggering a crash, collapse and complete disconnection. Forcing them to respond or demanding them to act can create more pressure, heightening their need to be cautious and fade into the background.   

Instead of increasing pressure, increase safety:

1. Normalize not knowing or uncertainty. Speak calmly and reduce the pace to give them space to breathe and feel safe.
2. Offer a few choices, not too many options to make them feel in control and comfortable with decision-making.
3. Break down the problem into small steps and guide them through each step to help them think and engage.
4. Ask questions to reach conclusions or find solutions instead of pushing for answers.
5. Reassure that there’s no wrong answer and every input counts. Give them time to think and revisit later if they need more time.   

Freeze happens when the brain assesses the threat and decides you’re too slow to run and too small to fight, and so your best hope for survival is to “play dead” until the threat goes away or someone comes along to help you. Freeze is your last-ditch stress response, reserved for threats that the brain perceives as life-threatening, when fight or flight don’t stand a chance.
― Emily Nagoski, Burnout

People who experience paralyzing shutdown suddenly go quiet with flat responses, one word answers, long pauses and no follow-ups. Help them find their voice by reducing information overload, increasing emotional safety and not rushing to fill silence with words. 

Ironic shield

Do some people use sarcasm, wit or irony so no one can get close enough to hurt, criticize or judge them? Do they crack jokes to redirect focus away from their true feelings? Do they hide their feelings of insecurity and use humor as an armor to avoid emotional vulnerability? Do they pass clever comments to stop the discussion they find uncomfortable and shift attention away? Do they mock others when things get tense to avoid admitting fear or confusion? Do they undermine others’ inputs and opinions by making fun of them?

Oh sure, let’s pretend this was my fault. Hilarious.

Fantastic plan. Did you come up with it in the lift?

Yeah, I’m thrilled to be here. Can’t you tell?

Wow, great idea… if we lived on Mars.

Oh please, don’t strain yourself thinking so hard.

Mocking tone, snarky remarks, self-deprecating jokes and insults disguised as humor makes others back-off. It works as a defensive strategy to mask vulnerability, create emotional distance, block pressure and feel in control. When people feel criticized, cornered or emotionally exposed, mocking the situation allows them to step away without direct confrontation. Using humor as a shield lets them dismiss discomfort, derail serious discussions and keep others from getting too close. Sarcasm serves as a clever distraction that keeps others from seeing what’s really going on underneath. 

Matching their sarcasm with sarcasm of your own, calling them out in a shaming or accusatory way or laughing along to avoid conflict can reinforce their behavior and make them double down on the ironic shield. Pushing back with irritation or trying to expose their motives can intensify their need to protect themselves. The more threatened or misunderstood they feel, the harder they lean on irony, deflection and mockery to protect feelings of shame, discomfort, insecurity and fear of being wrong. 

Instead of taking the bait and reacting emotionally:

1. Avoid snapping back or laughing nervously. Stay neutral and show you’re not engaging in the game.
2. Bring the conversation back to clarity. Ask direct questions like “What do you actually think?” to shift them out of deflection mode.
3. Acknowledge the discomfort behind the humor. A simple “I sense this feels a bit tense,” helps lower their need for a shield.
4. Keep your boundaries firm, but kind. Let them know “I want to understand you, but sarcasm makes it difficult to follow.”
5. Direct the conversation to the goal. Bring focus back to the issue “What will help us move forward?”

People who try to laugh off serious issues or those who put on a shield of cool detachment can’t be ignored as they leave the conversation messy and unproductive. Help them bypass this defensiveness and disarm the shield by asking questions, inviting clarity and setting a simple non-emotional limit. 

Summary

1. Defensive behavior at work can show up in many ways and the right response is to tactfully handle it and not let ourselves get carried away—by trying to give tit-for-tat.
2. Someone who tends to pick up a fight, get angry or turn argumentative when their expectations aren’t being met or they fear not being heard, uses aggression as a defense mechanism. Handling them requires staying calm, using a steady tone of voice, asking questions and focusing on the goal instead of turning defensive. 
3. Someone who worries about criticism, judgment or fear being wrong pulls away and goes silent, using withdrawal as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from feeling unsafe. Handling them requires creating psychological safety, showing curiosity and guiding them to take small steps to reduce overwhelm. 
4. Someone who constantly seeks approval, place others’ needs above their own or says “yes” while already being overwhelmed, uses charm as a defense mechanism to be liked and accepted. Handling them requires modeling saying no, setting boundaries and normalizing disagreements.
5. Someone who suddenly goes blank, struggles to speak or decide or zone out when a situation feels too intense, uses silence as a defense mechanism to avoid escalating conflict, making the wrong move or being judged or criticized. Handling them requires reducing the number of choices, creating space to think and not pushing for answers.
6. Someone who engages in wit, sarcasm and jokes to hide discomfort and shift attention away, uses humor as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional vulnerability. Handling them requires disarming the shield by staying neutral, directing the conversation to the issue at hand and setting firm boundaries.

Recommended Reading

Why Do I Do That? By Joseph Burgo

The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence By Anna Freud

The post 5 Defensive Behaviors That Show Up at Work appeared first on TechTello.

Respect is the most valuable currency at work. Being respected not only makes you feel good, it opens new doors of opportunities and possibilities. People at work vouch for you. You’re being recommended for higher level responsibilities. Your mistakes aren’t looked down upon or seen as a sign of incompetence—people have trust in your knowledge and skills. Others seek your advice as they value your opinion and you get invited to important meetings where you can both learn and contribute. 

Being valued energizes you to work harder, persist through difficulties and setbacks and gives you the confidence to take the hard road, not choose the easy path. You feel empowered to make decisions, trust your judgment and navigate unknowns and uncertainties to solve complex problems without giving up or quitting too soon. Having others trust and support motivates you to do better—it boosts productivity and commitment. Mutual respect also eases out collaboration by reducing communication gaps, increasing transparency and leaving more time to solve problems, than fixing conflicts.  

But, respect can only be earned. You can’t demand it. You can’t force it. You can’t people-please to make others like and respect you. It’s created through small, daily actions—how you show up and how you act determines whether others hold you in high regard or disregard your presence. Building respect does not require charisma, power or authority. It does not require speaking the most, showcasing intelligence or dominating the room to prove you’re in charge. Overcompensating, over explaining or trying too hard to appear confident can actually do the opposite—they can make you seem disconnected or even insecure. These behaviors can damage respect instead of building it. 

Respect is impact—how others experience you, what they find valuable, which qualities appeal and what skills stand out. It can be in the steady tone of your voice, calm of your body language and consistency with which you act, listen and communicate. It can be in setting high standards, holding yourself accountable and not taking others for granted. It can be in valuing commitments while not letting anyone exploit your boundaries. 

If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Insulted and Humiliated

Be mindful of how you’re representing yourself. These 8 behaviors can help you quietly and slowly build respect with people you work:

Following through on commitments

There are two types of people at work—those who like to make commitments and others who like to keep them.

People who like to make commitments feel good about saying “yes” to many things without paying much attention to how those things fit into their schedule, the value they add or the time and energy they need to actually fulfill their commitments. They hardly realize that their casual attitude without thoughtful consideration causes a lot of inconvenience and annoyance to those who depend on them. 

On the other hand, people who like to keep commitments are careful about their choices. They understand that doing something always comes at the cost of not doing something else. So, they carefully evaluate their priorities and say “yes” to only a few things. Identifying what adds value to them and to others and taking the time to actually fulfill their commitments builds trust, creates strong relationships and earns you their respect.  

It’s what Art Turock says is the difference between interest and commitment “When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.” 

To get good at the art of identifying which requests to accept and which ones to deny, you need to get good at asking yourself the right questions. What’s this about? Who is it for? Is it important? What’s the cost of doing it? What’s the cost of not doing it? How does it align with your current plans? What could be your reason for saying no? After taking everything into account, what’s your final decision? 

Greatness isn’t determined by the number of promises that you make, but by the ones that you keep….If it’s important enough to make a promise, it should be important enough to keep it.
― Frank Sonnenberg, The Path to a Meaningful Life

Every commitment you keep adds a deposit to your personal account—it builds respect by putting you across as someone who’s trustworthy and reliable. Don’t just make commitments. Keep them too. 

Staying calm under pressure

You may have all the expertise, skills and the knowledge in the world to do well, but if you don’t know how to handle pressure situations well—you lose control of your emotions or see the situation as a threat—pressure will make you do worse, and lead you to fail utterly.

Keeping your calm during challenging times, ability to gauge the situation with a clear head and acting deliberately instead of reacting to the situation is crucial to lead under pressure. 

The higher the stake, the higher is the cost of not being in control. Losing your calm and shutting people out when work gets a little bit overwhelming or feeling so paralyzed by pressure that you get stuck in an overthinking cycle hurts your productivity and performance. It leads to poor choices, bad decisions and can sometimes even lead to inaction. 

When dealing with the pressure of high expectations, very few people can exhibit presence of mind and self-control—those who do are naturally respected for their ability to keep their cool. 

To build respect, change your relationship with pressure. See the situation for what it is without distorting facts or reality. Reappraise anxiety as excitement which will make you view pressure situations as opportunities and not a threat. Recall past experience and leverage it to remind yourself that you’ve done it before and you can do it again. Take consistent small steps towards your goal and train your brain to expect the unexpected.

True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure – the greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character’s essential nature.
― Robert McKee, Story

Pressure is inevitable when you’re trying to do worthwhile work. Reacting to pressure can put you at a disadvantage as you end up making poor choices and terrible decisions. Building respect requires the ability to keep your calm and think with a clear head—being purposeful in the way you behave and act.

Protecting others time

When you’re constantly late to meetings, you may think that a few minutes here and there don’t matter. But, not attending the meeting on time is considered impolite and rude—every second of waiting adds to frustration and anxiety as people feel being taken for granted, unvalued or deprioritized by not respecting their time. Wasting other people’s time by not paying attention, bringing up irrelevant issues or engaging in useless debates can also make others resist you—they may ignore or avoid you.   

Taking time casually or not managing it well makes you come across as disorganized, unreliable, reckless and inconsiderate. It limits your opportunities—assigning key projects or important tasks is too risky to someone who can’t manage their time well. It creates friction as your laid-back attitude delays projects and affects those who are dependent on you. It affects relationships as dragging conversations or staying stuck in long, pointless discussions can easily turn into arguments or passive-aggressive behavior. Time wasting behaviors drain others emotional energy—they feel tired and exhausted when interacting with you.  

Time is finite for everyone and once gone, it can’t be regained. Well-respected people are very conscious of time. They not only utilize their time well but also care for others’ time as well. They don’t waste time in pointless debates, unnecessary meetings or by making others wait. Respecting time involves honoring deadlines, commitments, schedules and promises. It shows integrity and integrity builds credibility. Being intentional with not only your time, but other people’s time as well is a great way to give and gain respect. 

Arriving on time for your engagements demonstrates preparation, respect, integrity, and enthusiasm, all of which serve to make a positive impression on the people whom you are meeting, especially when they are depending on you—or paying you!
― Susan C. Young, The Art of Preparation

Time is an indicator of your internal discipline—sense of clarity, self-control, responsibility and strong priorities. People trust and respect those who can manage themselves. Value time. Invest it wisely. 

Taking initiative and solving problems

Some people simply do the work they’re being asked to do, nothing above or beyond. They build superficial boundaries around their role—what’s expected of them, what fits their job profile and what’s something they can never get done. Their tunnel vision keeps them tightly locked up to the limited nature of their job. They don’t lift their heads up to expand the boundary of their influence. The rigid walls they put up prevents them from being recognized and seen. 

Then there are people who don’t feel bound or limited. Instead of simply doing work that’s assigned to them, they look beyond the task to the needs of the organization—what are the problems, what do their stakeholders need and what deserves their focus and attention right now?

Messy problems which are a regular part of work—more so if you work in complex environments—often have unwritten playbooks. Playing by the book may sometimes get the job done, but it can never create “aha” moments—addressing your stakeholders unmet needs, solutioning in a way that creates additional value or proactively solving long standing problems. 

People who grab everyone’s attention are the ones who roll up their sleeves, who grab opportunities, who take risks, who put out fires or who actually go out and fix the problem. They don’t let bureaucratic nonsense or processes be an excuse for inaction. They find ways to actually make things happen. While others are still deliberating, they turn their deliberation into action. Their willingness to get the ball rolling and to get things moving shows a clear bias for action. 

Respect is built by exceeding expectations—going above and beyond by accurately judging the need of the hour, reconsidering priorities and making adjustments. It requires maximizing time spent on goals that are aligned with the company’s mission and vision. 

When you see something wrong, take the initiative to fix it. When you find yourself frustrated or critical, channel that energy into persistent creation. If it’s not your job, pursue it anyway.
― Scott Belsky, The Messy Middle

Respect is earned through consistent, positive actions. Take initiative. Do the right thing without being told. Proactively identify needs, solve problems and contribute beyond assigned tasks—be the person who can be trusted with greater responsibility. 

Setting high standards for yourself and others

When setting expectations on what’s acceptable, do you set a high bar for yourself and others or do you lean towards good enough? Do you accept a poor quality deliverable, ignore mistakes and settle in for decisions that aren’t backed by proper analysis or data? When the attitude is to simply get things done without challenging or pushing for ways to make things better, mediocrity creeps in. Mediocrity when met with silence, or worse approval, becomes a standard that everyone follows, but no one questions.  

Good enough may seem harmless at first and may even be practical at times. For example: When you’re facing a crisis and there’s a time crunch to move fast. You may decide to accept a “good enough” solution that resolves the crisis at the moment while putting a more long-term solution to the backlog. 

But failing to question mediocre outcomes or approving the average when there’s no rush, signals that striving for more isn’t necessary. When the bare minimum is not only accepted, but expected, no one goes the extra mile. When meeting deadlines and delivering work without major hiccups is seen as the goal, pushing boundaries and pursuing mastery takes a back seat. “Good enough” mindset breeds complacency. It’s the silent killer of innovation and creativity. If you treat “good enough” as the finish line, you’ll never earn others respect.  

To gain respect, stop settling for good enough—put a spotlight on excellence. Highlight and share examples of outstanding work so others know what “great” looks like. Raise the bar, visibly. Set stretch goals. Push thinking. Don’t settle for deliverables that simply meet specs—aim for impact. Reframe success. Make “Did we go above and beyond?” a part of every review. Nip the “just get it done” mindset in the bud by asking what could have been better.

Set your standards high; namely, do the absolute best of which you are capable. Focus on running the race rather than winning it. Do those things necessary to bring forth your personal best.
― John Wooden, Wooden on Leadership

“Good enough” gets things moving, but rarely leaves a mark. To earn respect, you have to challenge the norm, not settle for it. Set high standards. Don’t give mediocrity room to stretch.

Knowing boundaries and exerting them

Replying to an email even if it’s late, saying yes to every request that comes knocking at your gate and pushing your personal priorities aside to make more room for work can get you the attention and visibility you seek, but it also sets you up for exploitation. You may be asked to work late, pick other people’s slack and expected to reply to every message instantly. You may be able to keep up with these expectations in the short-term, but constantly enduring significant pressure to meet others’ demands can leave you tired, exhausted and burnt out. You can’t perform in this state. You can’t keep missing commitments and still expect to be credible. You can’t people-please your way to respect.   

Thinking about your boundaries and clearly defining them on the other hand protects you from going overboard. It gives you the freedom to make choices that are aligned with your goals. It gives you the courage to say “no.” It allows you to contribute at your highest level without losing sanity. Boundaries are the invisible gates that protect your peace. 

Setting boundaries in no way implies less dedication, less passion or less commitments towards work—if anything, it develops respect for knowing what matters. Making space for things in your life beyond work, saying no to inconsequential activities and not feeling obligated to respond at odd hours keeps you energized, dedicated and focused to produce your best work. You contribute more, not less. You excel in your work. You exceed expectations.  

Boundaries help you perform your best when you’re on the clock, and they help you recharge effectively when you’re not. They improve your mental and physical health; create a culture of respect and trust; keep morale, motivation, and loyalty high; and prevent good employees (like you) from burning out—because burnout is very, very real even if you’re doing a job you love. When employees are feeling energized, respected, and valued, it has a positive impact on their productivity, creativity, and the results they achieve for the business. Remember that the next time you’re tempted to feel guilty for setting a boundary at work—you’re a true team player because you’re helping to create a workplace culture in which everyone thrives.
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries

Stop being available 24/7, never saying no or giving freedom to others to manipulate your time and energy. You will be respected for your ability to achieve excellence in what matters, not being mediocre by trying to do everything. 

Taking accountability and owning mistakes

When outcomes don’t turn out as expected or expectations aren’t met, the default reaction for most people is to blame someone or something else for their situation. But, blaming, complaining and sobbing deflects responsibility—it shifts your focus from solving problems to finding excuses. Relying on blames and excuses to justify outcomes, spiraling in despair when faced with challenges and setbacks and feeling paralyzed when required to make tough decisions keeps you trapped in a toxic cycle of negativity, which leads to avoidance and inaction. 

Refusing to take responsibility for your mistakes or targeting others to divert attention can save you from temporary feelings of low self-worth, embarrassment or shame, but it won’t get you others respect. Real respect is built through honest, imperfect human connection, not through the illusion of perfection.  

Taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable gives you the power to make choices that are aligned with your growth and the goals you want to accomplish. It frees you from the burden of justification so that you can focus on what lies ahead. It shifts your mental energy to adopt the role of a creator who sees the obstacle in their path as a challenge instead of acting as a victim who offloads responsibility to others and gives up. Accountability builds respect by showing that you can be trusted to hold the fort and not walk away when things get a bit challenging. 

The moment you take 100 percent responsibility for everything in your life is the same moment you claim your power to change anything in your life. However, the crucial distinction is to realize that taking responsibility is not the same thing as accepting blame. While blame determines who is at fault for something, responsibility determines who is committed to improving a situation. It rarely matters who is at fault. All that matters is that you are committed to improving your situation.
― Hal Elrod, The Miracle Morning for Entrepreneurs

Take responsibility for your abilities, your inabilities, your actions as well as your inactions. Own your mistakes. Commit to set things right without wasting time in finger pointing or blame games. It builds respect by demonstrating a strong sense of moral character, distinguishing you from those who avoid accountability.

Communicating confidently and clearly 

You may have the habit of throwing around words recklessly often using phrases that make you sound less confident, unsure or weak. Words play a big role in your success at work. They determine not only how you’re perceived, but also how others respond to it. While weak phrasing can hurt your reputation and damage your credibility, strong language can showcase your leadership abilities and put you across as someone who can be trusted with higher level responsibilities. 

When sharing an idea, stating your opinion or disagreeing with someone, using language that makes you sound unsure reduces credibility, making others dismiss, ignore and downplay your suggestions. Saying sorry may seem polite, but apologizing even when it’s not required can hurt your image and reputation—you may come across as defensive, submissive or someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. It can create a perception that you’re imposing, insecure and overly deferential. Putting yourself in a bad light will not help you score brownie points or make others sympathize with you. Rather, it paints a picture that makes you look undeserving, incompetent and timid. Using tentative phrasing in communication leaves room for overcommitment, making you seem unreliable, lacking authority or someone who can’t be trusted to lead important assignments at work. 

Using minimizing language that downplays the significance, impact and importance of your words can make you less confrontational, avoid criticism and save you from appearing arrogant. But, it isn’t harmless—using qualifiers, softeners and disclaimers can make your contributions seem less valuable and credible. Words like just, only, sort of and kind of, make it hard for others to take your questions or suggestions seriously or give them the respect they deserve. Constantly seeking approval to avoid conflict or asking for confirmation to lower the risk of being wrong makes you come across as someone who isn’t sure about what they’re saying or someone whose ideas aren’t well thought out. Lacking conviction in your own decision makes you untrustworthy―a person who’s easily swayed by others’ opinions can’t be trusted to lead projects or drive change. 

To build respect, avoid language patterns that make you sound uncertain, passive and weak and replace them with stronger communication. Project confidence in your ideas and opinions by explaining the rationale behind your thought process instead of doubt and hesitance with words like “think,” “feel,” and “maybe.” To get others time, attention, trust and respect, avoid weak communication by being assertive in your language without being rude. Carefully evaluate your priorities and then communicate them in a way that leaves no room for confusion, expectation mismatch or misunderstandings. Instead of minimizing language that weakens your message by giving it less importance, amplify your message and increase its significance using decisive and authoritative wording. Take initiative, be decisive and stop second-guessing yourself. Communicate with a high sense of self-worth and belief in your knowledge and experience.     

If you want to appear more confident—speak slowly, articulately, clearly, and deliberately. Communicating with clarity will not only help you build more confidence in yourself, but it will inspire respect from others.
― Susan C. Young, The Art of Being

Build respect by paying attention to how you come across to others. Use language that projects confidence, decisiveness and a sense of responsibility. Be assertive, not timid.

Summary

1. Making promises that you can’t keep damages your reputation as it makes you come across as unreliable and untrustworthy. Selectively making only a few commitments while keeping them too builds respect by highlighting your planning and prioritization skills.
2. Panicking or losing your calm under pressure situations can lead to poor decisions, making you lose trust with people who’re impacted by it. Exercising self-control can enable you to think clearly and navigate the situation with a clear head leading to better solutions and outcomes, thereby gaining respect from people who are dependent on it.
3. If you’re reckless with not only your time, but others’ time as well, you can never earn their respect. Having a strong discipline to manage time well builds the image of a person who can be trusted with key projects or important tasks. Respect is built by valuing time—not taking time casually or others for granted.
4. Meeting expectations by simply doing the assigned tasks won’t get you noticed. Your influence is visible when you take the initiative to step outside your role and address the needs of the organization. You gain respect by not confining yourself to boundaries, not limiting yourself to the assigned task and not sticking to the status quo. You gain respect by doing more than expected.
5. “Good enough” mindset makes you settle for poor quality deliverables, inferior choices and less optimal solutions. You gain respect by doing high quality work, not achieving mediocre outcomes. Raise the bar and challenge yourself and others to go above and beyond.
6. Boundaryless freedom does not earn respect, it only turns you into a target for exploitation. Setting boundaries and clearly communicating them builds respect by focusing on things that matter, by refusing to let others manipulate your time and energy. 
7. When you don’t take accountability for your mistakes, you not only fail at solving the problem, your victim attitude tells others to stop trusting you. Respect is built by demonstrating high moral values—taking accountability, staying respectful and focusing on problem-solving. 
8. Communication plays a big role in how you’re perceived. Weak phrasing can prevent you from building respect as it minimizes your opinions and contributions. Communicating clearly and strongly gets you attention—it builds respect by leaving a lasting impact.  

Recommended Reading

Impact Players By Liz Wiseman

The Thin Book of Trust By Charles Feltman

The post 8 Behaviors That Make People Respect You More appeared first on TechTello.