How to Build Real Relationships at Work

When you work with someone who doesn’t get you, there’s friction, misunderstanding, confusion and a feeling of lack of support. Conversations go around in circles, unnecessary disagreements pop up and the lack of camaraderie makes work feel like a slog instead of a pleasant experience. This happens when you don’t take the time to understand the other person, don’t make an attempt to find out what matters to them and don’t invest in building relationships at work. 

Without connecting with people, jumping to solve problems, devise solutions or collaborate on a project feels annoying, difficult and burdensome. You hate the experience. You don’t want it to repeat. All the drama and negative emotions widen the gap instead of bringing you closer to people.  

The stronger are your work relationships, the easier it is to connect, collaborate and achieve goals. Relationships, built up over time, is the essential ingredient to be influential at work. People are more likely to engage with you when they feel a positive connection built using shared values, trust and mutual respect. They are more likely to value your opinions and follow your lead. They are more likely to advocate for your work and amplify your influence in meetings and decision-making processes. 

In today’s fast-paced world, it is tempting to look for shortcuts. But there are no quick paths to achieving lasting fame or fortune. The only sure way to success is to develop and nurture solid relationships that are grounded in trust.
― Patrick Galvin, The Trusted Way

Here are some of the practices I have used over the years to build real relationships at work:

Be authentic, don’t fake it

If you try to fake interest or manipulate people into believing you’re genuinely interested in their work, you may get their attention for a while, but it won’t lead to a lasting connection. Putting on an act of care, warmth and empathy makes others feel tricked, exploited and deceived. Acting brave when you’re scared inside, portraying an image of an expert when you know nothing about the topic or showing your approval when you disagree with something makes you come across as insecure, insincere and phony. 

Real relationships are built on a sense of connection that only shows up when you’re your most authentic self. When you don’t put on an act of perfection and embrace your vulnerability. When you’re willing to acknowledge gaps in your knowledge and show curiosity to learn from others. When you care less about building an image and more about understanding others.  

Deception tactics only lead to fake relationships. Real relationships are built using trust. Manipulating others to like you, respect you or even trust you is short-lived. Others can eventually make out if you were genuine or just faking it.

Building relationships is not about transactions—it’s about connections. When we come from an authentic, genuine place in ourselves, our efforts to connect with people work to their fullest. Our relationships develop more easily and last longer, and we feel better about the people.
— Michelle Tillis Lederman, 11 Laws of Likability

Don’t try to fake anything. Authenticity goes a long way in building real connections.

Prioritize assertiveness, not approval

If you try to over-accommodate, suppress your own needs and say yes to others only to gain their approval, be liked and accepted, you may appear charming in the short-term, but always being compliant, flexible and co-operative makes you come across as a person with low confidence and low self-esteem. Your lack of honesty, tendency to overcommit and sugarcoat a problem instead of addressing it directly can lead to blind spots, missed deadlines and make problems linger on. Your reluctance to give honest feedback when it’s needed the most can lead to missed opportunities. 

Real relationships are built when you speak your truth, even if it displeases someone or makes them mad. When you’re not trying very hard to appear agreeable, you end up being more helpful. When you offer honest feedback without fear of judgment, you come across as bold and confident. When you set boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not, you build respect by showing up as someone who knows what they want. 

People pleasing only leads to hollow connections. Real relationships are built using autonomy. Putting on a facade of false harmony causes the relationship to break down and crumble under pressure. 

You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman–Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Don’t appear agreeable to be liked. Build long-lasting relationships by prioritizing assertiveness over seeking approval. 

Make others feel important 

If you don’t hold others in high regard, recognize them for their work, praise and appreciate them when they do great work, you may come across as arrogant, self-centered and emotionally distant. Not elevating others with the worry that it will jeopardize your own position, make your achievements seem less significant or steal your spotlight prevents you from connecting with them at a deeper level.  

Real relationships are built by making others feel important—speaking positively about them, inviting them to share their expertise or making them feel heard and understood by actively listening to them. We naturally gravitate towards people who uplift us. So, making others feel valued is a strategic way to strengthen relationships, increase your influence and come across as a supportive colleague. But it’s important that your appreciation comes across as genuine, not forced. Others can easily sense when you are complimenting them to earn a favor or trying to manipulate them to see things your way. Fake interactions can leave others feeling used which can make you come across as inauthentic, opportunist or dishonest—someone who can’t be trusted or taken seriously.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving. This need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life.
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Put your ego aside. Create meaningful connections by demonstrating intellectual curiosity and showing interest in others and their work. 

Acknowledge your weakness

If you always portray an image of strength, you may hide your mistakes or try to cover up your weaknesses. Coming across as a person without flaws makes you appear cold and inhuman. Other humans, being inherently flawed, find it hard to relate to you. Not being able to see the “real you” behind that facade of perfectionism prevents others from finding a common link that will connect them to you. Using strength as a protective shield can also invoke feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy and self-doubt in others—they may avoid you to save themselves from those negative emotions. 

Real relationships are built by being vulnerable—showing up as a person who’s afraid just like others, someone who doesn’t know everything, who is not always showing up as a symbol of excellence. Sharing your mistakes, acknowledging your failures and openly talking about your weaknesses not only engages others, it encourages them to be vulnerable too. It unlocks conversations that are based on honesty, sense of belonging, acceptance and inclusion. It creates a feeling of shared identity and emotional connection.   

Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

Stop hiding your weakness. Your flaws are what builds relationships by bringing you close to others. 

Be less judgmental, more curious

If you have the habit of jumping to conclusions, blaming others or assuming bad intent when others act in ways that do not match your interest or when things don’t work out the way you expected, you may show up in ways that come across as opinionated and judgmental. Refusing to look beyond your personal narrative and evaluate the situation from another person’s perspective makes you attribute behavior to malice, bad character or incompetence. Your judgmental attitude puts others off and strains relationships—no one likes being victimized, judged and criticized. No one likes getting a “poor” character certificate.  

Real relationships are built by validating assumptions, showing curiosity to understand others and exploring alternative perspectives. It requires not labeling others as “lazy, boring, incompetent, stupid, irritating, biased, reckless or rude” and instead giving them a chance and getting to know who they really are. When you make an attempt to listen with curiosity, you show your intent to understand others. Feeling heard and understood is what builds great relationships. 

It’s not at all hard to understand a person; it’s only hard to listen without bias.
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

Don’t be quick to judge others. Asking what happened gets you closer to understanding, which connects people and strengthens relationships. 

Give with no strings attached

If you tend to put your own interests ahead of other people’s needs, you may evaluate every situation based on how it benefits you. Will sharing knowledge increase your visibility? Will solving other people’s problems earn you credit? Will attending an office party lead to better connections with the higher-ups? When your interest and participation is only based on what you’ll gain and what you have to lose, anything that involves a lose-win situation is out of scope. Anything that involves a sacrifice without getting anything in return is a big “no-no.” Anything that does not make you look better or supreme compared to others is of no value. You try to give based on what you can get. This keeps your relationships superficial and need based. 

Real relationships are built by putting other people’s needs ahead of your own. Sharing your knowledge and experience without boasting, helping those in need without expecting anything in return or mentoring others without any recognition makes you come across as a genuine person who actually cares about others. Your “giving” attitude plays a big role in the love, support and respect you gain. Giving does not mean sacrificing to the level of personal harm or always putting others ahead of your own needs. It means not evaluating every situation through the lens of gain and loss, not trying to turn every situation to your advantage and not making a big deal out of every contribution.

Success depends heavily on how we approach our interactions with other people. Every time we interact with another person at work, we have a choice to make: do we try to claim as much value as we can, or contribute value without worrying about what we receive in return?
― Adam M. Grant, Give and Take

Don’t treat others as your points of leverage. Bond with others by lifting them up and trying to give more than what you take. 

Connect beyond work

If you keep your interactions limited to work—bug to fix, feature to build, tasks to complete, design to review, projects to deliver—your conversations feel emotionless and transactional. Without emotions, people feel detached, disconnected and indifferent. They forget about you as soon as the work is done. Without making an attempt to know others beyond work, you fail to find a common link—like a shared interest, similar life experiences, cultural similarities or even alignment on personal philosophy—which keeps your relationships superficial without establishing a deeper connection. 

Real relationships are built by taking an interest in others beyond work—showing curiosity to know about their background, their family, their schooling, their likes, dislikes and their personal goals. When you take a moment to understand the human behind work, you create the opportunity to make them feel seen and heard. It creates an instant connection that no amount of work can do. Knowing others’ background, history and experience also puts you in a unique position to show empathy and compassion. 

Perhaps to really know another person, you have to have a glimmer of how they experience the world. 
― David Brooks, How to Know a Person

Don’t make communication transactional. Build strong relationships by opening up, sharing your history and inviting others to share it too. 

Summary

1. Faking interest in others just to get closer to them doesn’t build a lasting relationship because others can sense when you’re genuinely interested in them and when you’re just faking it. Also, putting on an act of bravery or portraying an image of expertise makes others feel cheated which leads to disconnection and distrust. 
2. Becoming too agreeable or constantly seeking approval does not make you likable. Rather, it makes you come across as a person with low worth and self-confidence. To build relationships, be assertive—show up strong, confident and decisive. 
3. When you refuse to lift others up out of fear of being overshadowed or less respected, you give up on the opportunity to make others feel valued, understood and appreciated, which is necessary to connect and form meaningful relationships that are based on feelings of trust and mutual respect. 
4. If you put on a facade of perfection by hiding your mistakes and weaknesses, you prevent others from seeing the “real you.” Deep connections are formed by accepting your flaws, embracing your vulnerabilities and showing a deep desire to learn and become better, not by hiding imperfections.
5. It’s easy to label others negatively when they act against our predisposed beliefs, ideas and expectations. Not considering the context or the alternate perspectives makes you assume the worst in others, when there are other possible explanations. Being opinionated and judgmental strains relationships instead of building them. 
6. When you keep self-interest at the core of your decisions, you evaluate every situation from the lens of how it benefits you, not how you can help others. Selfless contributions without expecting a return on investment of your time, energy or attention is necessary to build real relationships that aren’t based on give-and-take.
7. When all your interactions with others are confined to projects and tasks, you fail to see the human behind work. This keeps your connections superficial, emotionless and transactional. To build real relationships, you have to take interest in people that go beyond work.

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