Communication Archives - TechTello

How To Stay Centered Around Difficult People

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 19 Aug 2026 09:20:32 +0000

Difficult people can pull you into their chaos without even trying—their tone, their urgency, their moods, their criticism. If you’re not grounded, you’ll get swept into reacting on their terms instead of responding on yours.

Staying centered protects your clarity, your confidence and your emotional space. It keeps you from mirroring their behavior or getting hooked by their intensity. When you stay in control of your state, their behavior loses its power to derail you.

Practice these 5 core skills to stay steady when they’re chaotic, calm when they’re reactive and confident when they try to push your limits.

Emotionally detach → “Separate the person from the problem”

When dealing with difficult people, emotional detachment is the skill that helps you separate their behavior from your worth, your mood and your identity. It’s the ability to stay steady when someone else is being reactive, rude, dismissive, demanding or dramatic.

Difficult personalities often pull you into their emotional world—frustration, urgency, negativity, blame. Emotional detachment acts like a buffer. It lets you observe the situation instead of absorbing it. You stop taking their tone personally and start seeing the pattern behind it.

Emotional detachment doesn’t make you passive. It makes you effective. It creates the breathing room you need to choose a smart, calm response even when the other person is doing everything they can to get a reaction out of you.

It’s about what happens inside you. It protects your inner world.

Staying anchored
Reducing emotional charge
Not taking behavior personally
Preventing emotional hijack

Use these 5 ways to practice emotional detachment:

Shift your mental lens from “This is about me” to “This is how they operate.” Most difficult behavior is about others’ stress, habits, insecurities or patterns, not your worth or competence. When triggered, silently say: “This is their behavior, not my identity.”
Create a mental glass wall when someone’s tone or words feel sharp. Imagine placing a glass wall between you and them. You can hear them, understand them, but their emotions can’t hit you. The wall goes up before they even speak.
Turn down the internal volume. People can speak loudly or harshly, but you can choose to internally “turn down the sound.” Picture a volume knob and mentally dial it from a 10 → 4. You can still hear them, just without the intensity.
Switch to observer mode. Switch from reacting emotionally to observing neutrally. Think in statements like “They’re stressed” “They’re speaking quickly” “They’re repeating their point.” This keeps you in observer mode, not absorber mode.
Choose consciously what is not yours. After the interaction, ask yourself: “Is this mine to hold?” If not, picture placing their emotion in a box and sliding it away. Detachment grows when you consciously release what doesn’t belong to you.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries

Keep a neutral tone → “Speak calm, stay calm”

When people become defensive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or emotional, your voice can either escalate the moment or calm it. A steady, even tone signals clarity, confidence, and control without inviting further conflict. It prevents the other person from feeding off emotional cues and helps you maintain authority without sounding harsh or reactive.

A neutral tone also creates psychological space, allowing you to respond thoughtfully instead of being pulled into someone else’s emotional intensity.

This is about how you sound, which directly shapes how the other person responds. It regulates the temperature of the interaction.

Calms the conversation
Prevents escalation
Signals steadiness, not defensiveness
Reduces pushback or aggression

Use these 4 ways to maintain a neutral tone:

Slow your pace by 10–15%. Speaking slightly slower than usual naturally softens your tone and reduces emotional leakage. When you feel triggered, your natural instinct is to speak faster. Deliberately slowing counters this.
Drop your volume just one level. Not whispering, just enough to sound grounded. Lower volume = higher control. Loud voices invite matching energy; soft, steady voices disarm it.
End sentences with downward intonation. Rising intonation (“You didn’t send the report?”) sounds anxious or unsure. Downward intonation (“You didn’t send the report.”) conveys calm certainty. Practice the difference out loud.
Use short, steady phrases. Long, emotional sentences build intensity. Shorter phrases reduce escalation. Practice these: “I understand.” “Let’s look at this step-by-step.” “Here’s what we can do next.”

Your volume speaks volumes. Be aware of your dynamics, your tones as well as the loudness and softness of your voice on the phone and in person.
― Loren Weisman

Use assertive body language → “Lead with your posture”

When dealing with difficult people, your body speaks before your words do. Most tense interactions escalate not because of what you say, but because of how your posture, movement and facial expressions are interpreted. Difficult people often test boundaries, push buttons or try to dominate the interaction.

Your body language becomes a non-negotiable anchor that signals you are not intimidated, you are not surrendering and you are not escalating. It shows presence without aggression and confidence without confrontation.

This is about how you carry yourself. It communicates boundaries and confidence without saying a word.

Standing tall
Using steady gestures
Avoiding defensive postures
Looking grounded and confident

Use these 5 ways to use assertive body language:

Stand or sit tall. Roll shoulders back and down. Loosen your jaw. Align your spine. This trains your nervous system to associate upright posture with safety and groundedness. Slumping signals submission; collapsing inward invites more pressure.
Practice with your voice. Say any sentence (e.g., “Let me think about that.”) at 70% of your usual speed. This conditions your voice to stay calm even when your mind speeds up. Repetition builds the pattern.
Relax your facial expression. Relax your eyebrows, soften your eyes, unclench your jaw. Practice in front of a mirror so you know what your neutral, approachable expression looks like. Tightness in the face reads as aggression or anxiety to the other person.
Still your hands. Place one hand lightly over the other. This removes subconscious agitation—tapping, fidgeting, crossing arms—that signals nervousness or defensiveness even when you’re not feeling either.
Ground your feet. In conversations where someone becomes difficult, gently plant both feet on the ground. Feel the contact. Stable body → stable presence. This simple act interrupts the physical stress response.

When our body language is confident and open, other people respond in kind, unconsciously reinforcing not only their perception of us but also our perception of ourselves.
― Amy Cuddy, Presence

Pause before you speak → “Be intentional, not impulsive”

When you’re dealing with difficult people, the difference between reacting and responding can completely shift the direction of the interaction. Reactions are quick, emotional and automatic, often fueled by frustration, hurt or stress. Responses are intentional, grounded and thoughtful. They come from awareness, not impulse. Reacting drains your energy. Responding protects your energy.

Reacting looks like:

Snapping back
Shutting down
Avoiding
Taking it personally

Reacting is the mind’s attempt to protect you. When you feel disrespected, ignored, criticized or threatened, your brain jumps into fight, flight or freeze, often within seconds.

This is why you might:

Snap at someone
Shut down
Over-explain
Feel defensive
Say something you regret
Withdraw or replay the moment all day

These reactions are normal. But in a workplace context, they often create more conflict instead of resolving the existing one.

Responding looks like:

Speaking slower
Asking questions
Staying factual
Keeping tone neutral

Responding is a learned skill. It means creating a pause between the trigger and your action. You don’t need to suppress your feelings. You need to choose what to do with them.

A response usually:

Acknowledges emotion without letting it take over
Considers the outcome you want
Stays aligned with your values
Keeps the conversation constructive
Protects your boundaries without escalating tension

Responding is calm but not passive. It is firm but not aggressive. It is clarity instead of reactivity.

Learning to respond instead of react is about creating a small but powerful pause between what happens and what you do next. A small pause interrupts the emotional momentum. Even a 2–5 second pause shifts your brain from fight-or-flight to problem-solving mode. This gives you a chance to choose clarity over chaos.

Use these 3 pause tools during difficult interactions. These tools strengthen your ability to stay grounded, stable and thoughtful, even when others are not.

The 10-second trick

The ten-second trick is a simple but effective technique to interrupt the automatic response before it escalates by creating a pause between feeling strong emotions and reacting to them. It allows your mind to cool down, giving you a chance to respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively. It involves pausing for ten seconds, allowing you to gain control over your reactions instead of being controlled by them.

Notice the trigger: Recognize the signs—a racing heart, clenched fists or heated thoughts.
Pause and breathe: Take a slow, deep breath and count to ten in your mind. Focus entirely on the count or your breath.
Shift focus: Use those ten seconds to redirect your mind to something neutral or calming, like the feel of your feet on the ground or a soothing image.
Reassess: After the pause, ask yourself: Is this worth your energy? What’s the best way to respond? Are you making assumptions here?

Name the emotion

When you feel overwhelmed, silently name the emotion you’re experiencing. Labeling reduces emotional intensity. When your brain identifies a feeling, the emotional centers calm down and the thinking centers activate. This creates clarity and reduces reactivity.

Pause the moment you feel tension rising.
Name the emotion silently to yourself.
- I’m feeling irritated.
- I’m feeling pressured.
- I’m feeling defensive.
- This is making me anxious.

3. Take one breath before speaking. You don’t have to say it out loud. The power is in the recognition.

The breath & hold method

This technique uses controlled breathing to shift your body out of a reactive, fight-or-flight state and into a more grounded one. The brief “hold” in the middle gives your nervous system a moment to settle, allowing your mind to catch up with the moment.

Inhale slowly through your nose for 4–5 seconds. Let your stomach rise. Avoid shallow chest breathing.
Hold your breath gently for 2–3 seconds. This brief stillness interrupts your body’s stress momentum.
Exhale fully through your mouth for 5–6 seconds. Release tension from your shoulders, jaw and hands.
Repeat 2–3 times or until your body feels less charged.

The pattern: Inhale 4–5s → Hold 2–3s → Exhale 5–6s → Repeat 2–3 times

The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

Prepare Before You Walk In → “Get ready before it gets hard”

The anxiety before a difficult interaction is often worse than the interaction itself. Your mind starts rehearsing, bracing and anticipating—running worst-case scenarios, replaying past conversations, trying to prepare for every possible thing they might say or do.

That kind of mental preparation doesn’t help. It keeps your nervous system activated before anything has even happened, which means you walk in already reactive, already tense and already at a disadvantage.

Preparing intentionally is different. You don’t need to script every response or steel yourself for battle. You need to arrive grounded—clear on your goal, settled in your body and less likely to be caught off guard by your own emotional reactions.

Use this five-step ritual before any interaction you’re already feeling anxious about:

Step 1: Acknowledge what you’re feeling

Don’t push the anxiety down. Name it first.

Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now about this interaction?

Then name it simply and specifically:

I’m anxious about how they’ll react
I’m angry about what happened last time
I’m dreading the conversation starting
I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing

Naming the emotion reduces its intensity. No need to eliminate it. Just take it off the background and put it somewhere you can see it. Once you’ve named it, it has less power to ambush you mid-conversation.

Step 2: Separate the story from the facts

Your mind has probably been telling a story about this interaction—what they’ll do, how it will go, what it means. Most of that story is prediction, not fact.

Ask yourself:

What do I actually know about this situation?
What am I assuming or predicting?
What has happened before that I’m carrying into this moment?

Write down, even briefly, the facts you know and the stories you’re adding. This simple separation interrupts the mental spiral and brings you back to what’s actually real right now.

Step 3: Get clear on your one goal

Difficult interactions go sideways most often when you walk in without a clear sense of what you actually want from them.

Ask yourself: What is the one thing I want to achieve or clarify in this interaction?

Choose one. Not three. Not “I want them to understand how I feel AND agree to change AND apologize.”

One clear, realistic outcome:

Agree on a revised timeline
Clarify who owns this decision
Address the specific behavior that happened last week
Set a boundary about after-hours messages

Write it down. This becomes your anchor if the conversation drifts or becomes difficult. When you lose your footing, you return to this.

Step 4: Ground your body

Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a real threat and an anticipated one. If you’re already anxious, your body is already in a mild stress response, which means your thinking is already narrower than usual.

Spend two to three minutes before the interaction doing one of these:

Breathing reset: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 2, exhale for 6. Repeat five times. The extended exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the one that signals safety.

Physical grounding: Stand or sit with both feet flat on the floor. Feel the weight of your body. Relax your jaw, your shoulders and your hands deliberately. This tells your nervous system the environment is safe.

Cold water: Splash cold water on your face or wrists. This triggers the dive reflex and slows your heart rate quickly. It’s very useful when you have very little time.

Shift your goal from trying to feel calm to feeling less activated, enough that you can think clearly and respond instead of react.

Step 5: Set a behavioral intention

Finally, decide before you walk in how you want to show up. Not what you want to say. How you want to be.

Choose one intention:

I will stay factual, not emotional
I will pause before responding
I will not over-explain or justify
I will ask questions before making statements
I will leave if the conversation becomes disrespectful
I will keep my responses short

This intention becomes a quiet internal reference point during the conversation. When you feel yourself being pulled off course, the intention brings you back.

Summary

Other people’s moods, urgency and criticism can easily throw you off balance if you let them. Remaining centered safeguards your mental clarity and self-assurance, so that their behavior doesn’t dictate your reactions.
Emotionally detach. Draw a line between someone else’s conduct and your own sense of self-worth. Rather than getting emotionally entangled, learn to watch the situation unfold from a slight distance, which stops you from internalizing their negativity. This distance gives you the mental room to pick a thoughtful reaction rather than getting baited into one. The underlying mindset shift: their actions reflect who they are, not who you are.
Keep a neutral tone. How you sound in the moment can either fan the flames or take the heat out of a conversation. Speaking in an even, controlled manner projects composure and authority while denying the other person any emotional fuel to escalate further. Essentially, your tone sets the emotional climate of the exchange and buys you time to think before responding.
Use assertive body language. Conflicts often intensify because of how someone’s stance, movements and facial cues are perceived, not just their words. Carrying yourself with steady, grounded body language sends an unmistakable signal that you won’t be pushed around or provoked. It’s a silent form of communication that establishes limits without a single word being spoken.
Pause before you speak. Impulsive reactions are fast and driven by emotion, while deliberate responses come from a place of awareness. Reacting on autopilot tends to leave you depleted, whereas choosing your response conserves your energy. A brief pause of just a few seconds is enough to move your brain out of a defensive state and into problem-solving mode.
Prepare before you walk in. Dreading a tough conversation is often more draining than actually having it, since your mind tends to rehearse worst-case outcomes beforehand. Don’t try to rehearse every possible line. Enter the conversation already settled and clear-headed.

How to Handle Lazy Coworkers

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 08 Apr 2026 07:46:58 +0000

Amongst different kinds of people I have worked with, I find lazy people to be the worst. Not only are they casual about expectations, deadlines and commitments, they can make you doubt yourself if you’re someone who’s dedicated, committed and hard working. They consistently deliver low quality products and expect others to pick up their slack. They don’t feel bad about doing a half-arse job because that’s their general attitude towards work, responsibility and anything remotely meaningful.

Working with them is highly frustrating because they’ll make you feel bad about trying to do a good job.

You’re being dramatic.

There’s no need to do more.

We have done enough.

While you can’t expect them to take initiative, the worst part is not being able to rely on them for anything. Too lazy to communicate if they’re blocked on you or waiting for something. Too lazy to call out assumptions or expectation mismatch. Too lazy to consider better ways of solving a problem.

They stick to tried-and-tested approaches, old practices, outdated knowledge and look for shortcuts and easiest ways to get things done because doing anything new requires effort and dedication. Arguing with them, challenging them or blaming them does not change their perspective—rather, they tend to turn more rigid and defensive when confronted with an attitude problem. The walls they’ve built around themselves prevents them from seeing the comfort bubble they’re living in.

Weak-minded people are willing to catch any random train that’s going to ‘somewhere’ because going somewhere is easier than having to sit down and determine a ‘somewhere.’
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

While not always easy, following these practices can make working with lazy people a lot less stressful and more productive:

Check if it’s a temporary thing

While some people are lazy out of habit, for others it may be situational or circumstantial—they may be dealing with a personal problem or some issue at work. What may seem laziness to you, may actually be a motivation problem—they may not be excited about work or feel stagnant in their current role. They may be dealing with a health issue that prevents them from focusing and meeting expectations. Other challenges at work or in personal life can also distract people, making them appear uncaring, unprofessional or indolent.

Before stamping people with a “lazy” label and placing them into specific buckets, take a moment and try to understand if their behavior is a temporary thing or a general attitude problem. Not all “lazy” behavior is the same. Some of it is fear. Some of it is confusion. Some of it is misaligned effort. And some of it is actually an attitude problem.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to distinguish between a temporary dip vs a behavioral pattern:

Do they lack skill (can’t do) or lack motivation (won’t do)?
Do they show energy for certain types of work but not others?
Have they always shown this behavior or is it recent?
Could you be biased? Would you judge the same behavior differently in someone else?
Is there a pattern of doing the bare minimum regardless of the scope of work?
Could it be burnout or stress rather than laziness?

If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Before labeling someone as lazy, ask: is it fear, lack of clarity, poor incentives, burnout or truly unwillingness?

Discuss expectations and hold them accountable

Lazy people often get a free pass to keep repeating the behavior as you may find it easier to do the work yourself than holding them accountable. But without setting up accountability upfront and aligning on expectations, you let their default tendency to avoid work overpower their sense of commitment and responsibility.

Without setting clear expectations on what they need to do or what you expect of them, lazy people will find a way to disregard your concerns using excuses like lack of clarity, lack of direction or lack of alignment.

By agreeing on deliverables, timelines and quality expectations, you leave less room for excuses later. By asking them to call out if they’re blocked without waiting for a follow-up, you tell them to be proactive and push information instead of relying only on a pull. By calling out their dependency and how it impacts others, you make them understand why their effort matters.

When setting expectations or aligning on goals, hold them accountable by making them verbally agree and commit to a plan. While silent commitment is easy to ignore, spoken commitment is harder to break. When you tell someone what to do, the responsibility stays with you. But, when they say it themselves the ownership shifts. The shift is powerful because verbalizing a commitment creates the internal pressure to stay consistent and do what they said they’re going to do.

In the end, ask:

Can I count on you for this?

Can I trust you to meet this commitment?

Can I rely on you for this deliverable?

Do you promise to make this work?

Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming. But it’s also much more effective. It’s hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors. We can, and, in fact, it’s the best way to do it. The key is to separate people from their behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are.
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Lazy people tend to drift or disengage with vague expectations, unclear deadlines and lack of accountability. Make them follow-through by being upfront on deliverables and having them verbally commit to it.

Setup daily or bi-weekly sync up

Lazy people tend to commit and disappear, often using excuses to justify their lack of progress. When the gap between follow-up and commitment is too wide, it’s easy for lazy people to drift and hide.

Shortening this loop by setting up regular sync ups makes it harder for them to avoid work—they can’t state “still thinking” or accept “doing nothing” in every update. They can’t give the same excuse in every meeting. Frequent check-ins also enable you to identify blockers and work on solutions instead of letting them become a reason for delays and inaction. When issues are caught early, course correction can happen sooner instead of letting it show up as a surprise failure later.

Make it hard for lazy people to stay vague, deflect or over-talk by asking these questions during sync-ups:

What exactly has moved forward since last time in terms of what’s actually done and not just in progress?
I need to see a tangible outcome. Can you show the current version?
What’s blocking you and when did this show up?
This was due on [some date]. What’s preventing you from completing it?
What will be completed by the next sync up and what does “done” look like for that?

The mechanism that pushes an organization’s execution is the accountability built into relationships. Tough conversations that are uncomfortable are a part of building relationships. There is increased accountability when you ask another person to follow up or check in – to share in this accountability with you.
― Henry J. Evans, Winning With Accountability

Lazy people will procrastinate without a push. Use checkpoints and regular sync-ups as a strategy to ensure they don’t go for too many days without producing a meaningful outcome.

Give direct feedback when things don’t improve

Some people don’t intentionally act in sluggish ways—they just don’t understand the impact of their behavior on others. This happens when others silently keep making up for their lack of effort without giving them concrete feedback. They keep producing mediocre work and others keep trying to polish it. They keep missing deadlines and others stay back late to finish their work. Over time, lazy people stop trying to be good because they’re not expected to do well.

An honest face-to-face conversation can sometimes wake them up from lethargy and put them right into action. You need to be careful and cautious though. Words matter. Calling them lazy or using blame and other belittling tactics will do more damage than good—attacking people or their character is bound to put them on the defensive and make them turn against you.

You’re lazy.

You’re not serious.

You always do this.

Instead, talk about specific behaviors—what they’re expected to do and what they actually do. Discuss the impact of not producing quality work, missing timelines or not being proactive in communicating. Use calmness, not aggression to convey your concerns.

It’s important to be candid though. You can’t sugarcoat your feedback and expect them to understand it. You need to be direct without coming across as pushy, rude or insensitive. Avoid words that sound judgmental or have the potential to be misinterpreted. Don’t come across too strong. Talk about the problem without making it personal. Express your concerns in a non-judgmental neutral tone. Stick to facts, not opinions.

I’ve noticed your updates are often vague and the team ends up spending extra time chasing clarity instead of moving forward. That’s slowing overall progress. Going forward, what will you change in your updates so they’re clear and actionable?

This deliverable was committed for Friday but wasn’t completed. That caused timeline shifts and rework for others, which we need to avoid. What will you do differently to ensure you meet your commitments next time?

Right now, your share of work is lower than expected and others are having to compensate. That’s creating frustration in the team. How will you take more ownership to ensure the workload is more balanced?

When your deadlines slip, it directly impacts others. They either have to pick up the work or delay theirs. That’s not sustainable. What specific steps will you take to prevent this from happening again?

The goal shouldn’t be to remove interpretation or judgment. It should be to make judgments thoughtfully, and once made, to have them be transparent and discussable.
― Douglas Stone, Thanks for the Feedback

When giving feedback to a lazy person, don’t pick them apart or criticize them for their failing. Rather, talk about how resolving the challenges they’re facing will lead to growth and opportunity.

Keep their manager in the loop

Some lazy people are smart, manipulative and highly political—they’re the most dangerous kind. Strategic avoidance while doing image management makes them appear useful while minimizing real accountability.

They use long explanations, strategic language and jargon-filled conversations to create an illusion of contribution. They spend more time discussing things and hashing them out instead of doing the actual work. They’re smart to stay at the forefront of highly visible and high credit work while avoiding tasks that involve execution. They overcomplicate things to create confusion and dodge responsibility. They use likability and strong rapport with managers and leaders as a shield to protect themselves from being challenged.

With such people, the only way to get them to take their commitment seriously is to document everything and add their manager to the loop. Looping in the manager increases seriousness and raises the cost of not meeting commitments. Without documentation, their talking can be perceived to be their contribution, but with documentation, it’s only the deliverables that count. Documentation also makes it easy for managers to see the gaps—missed tasks, repeated delays and lack of follow-through are not one-off incidents, they expose patterns over time.

To make work and ownership visible to their manager, include these in your emails:

Don’t use “we” statements, establish clear ownership by stating who is responsible for what.
Share specific deadlines. Don’t use words like “soon” or “this week.”
Clearly define the expected outcome and what “done” looks like. This prevents them from doing a poor job.
Document meetings and discussions—what was decided and what’s expected to happen next.
Highlight gaps between what was promised and what actually happened.
Call out patterns of repeated slippages and missed follow-ups.
Mention questions asked which never got addressed.
Keep focus on the impact of delays and rework.

Those who make conversations impossible, make escalation inevitable.
― Stefan Molyneux

Lazy people who are manipulative and political don’t care about work, but they do care about their reputation. Shift their focus from talk to output by escalating and making their commitments visible.

Summary

Lazy people at work can be a real nuisance due to their casual attitude and lack of commitment at work.
What may appear laziness at first can be situational or temporary. Before stamping people with a “lazy” label, take a moment to understand if their behavior is a pattern or a one-off event.
Lazy people tend to use excuses like lack of clarity and lack of alignment to cover up for their lack of effort. Hold them accountable by setting clear expectations and making them verbally commit to it.
Leaving a gap between commitment and follow-up can make lazy people procrastinate for long without any meaningful progress. Setting up a regular cadence around sync-ups can break this habit.
Laziness is sometimes not intentional and may simply be a result of lack of concrete feedback. Have a candid conversation with them to help them understand the impact of their slack on others.
Lazy people can employ manipulation tactics to dodge responsibility and still look good. Save yourself from getting sucked into their political moves by writing things down and adding their manager to the loop.

How to Speak to People You Disagree With

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 09:20:49 +0000

Most of us find it hard to speak up at work and it gets even more challenging when we aren’t just sharing an idea, but refuting someone else’s viewpoint. Becoming too eager to tell others they’re wrong can invite pushback and make others dismiss or disregard your thinking. Attacking their intelligence or motives, acting mean or belittling them in any way can put them on the defensive and kill any chance you had to find a better solution. When others feel judged, misunderstood or unsupported, they feel unsafe which makes them more cautious, watchful and guarded. Instead of handling the disagreement with openness and curiosity, they try to protect themselves by retaliating, arguing or becoming disengaged.

Keeping quiet and not speaking up is also not an option because holding your thoughts and not sharing them can lead to bad choices and poor decisions. It can result in missed opportunities, mediocre solutions and terrible mistakes. Not contributing to the discussion with the fear of how it will be perceived or worrying about damaging the relationship keeps you safe, but it also prevents you from embracing discomfort, which is necessary for growth.

Disagreeing with others in a way that does not increase tension, make the other person feel attacked, criticized or lead to defensive and argumentative behavior requires kind clarity—being direct and honest while maintaining empathy and compassion. It requires delivering honest opinions without sugar-coating, while ensuring they feel respected and valued. It requires challenging them while continuing to be supportive.

People often silence themselves, or “agree to disagree” without fully exploring the actual nature of the disagreement, for the sake of protecting a relationship and maintaining connection. But when we avoid certain conversations, and never fully learn how the other person feels about all of the issues, we sometimes end up making assumptions that not only perpetuate but deepen misunderstandings, and that can generate resentment.
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

Follow these practices to show maturity by disagreeing with others without being disrespectful.

Listen before you speak, show you value their opinion

When you find a flaw in someone’s argument, notice their mistake or have better suggestions on how something must be done, you may be tempted to interrupt and insert your opinion. But speaking up and disagreeing before giving an opportunity to another person to complete their thoughts or making them feel heard and understood leaves them feeling frustrated, doubted and attacked. Their instant reaction is to oppose, resist and fight back without evaluating your idea or suggestion.

Listening on the other hand, without expressing your disapproval in either words or body language, makes others feel trusted and respected. It creates an environment of psychological safety, clarifies your intent and sets the tone of the conversation that you’re not there to judge, impose or make them feel inferior.

To listen effectively, stop showing an eagerness to disagree:

Pay attention to the non-verbal communication—tone of voice, hand gestures and body language. Your words convey your message, but your body language conveys feelings and emotions behind it. Nodding to show you’re listening to them while expressing disapproval in body language can turn others off.
Acknowledge their feelings and point of view. Acknowledging does not mean that you agree with them. It simply means that you understand how they feel. For example you can say: “From what you’ve told me, I understand that you’re more inclined towards option A because…” “I see you are getting really stressed about…” “If I’m understanding you correctly, you are mad right now for ….”
Don’t interrupt or appear impatient to get your message across. Stay calm and neutral.

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgement and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person.
― Michael P. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening

When you speak to someone you disagree with, recognize their ideas and feelings first—show that what they have to say matters.

Don’t use emotive language or loaded words

Words used to convey disagreement plays a crucial role in how your message is perceived—whether others are receptive to your viewpoint or they outrightly reject it. Using words that come across as judgmental or too opinionated or using language that’s disrespectful or sarcastic makes disagreement less about finding the best path forward and more about ego—protecting one’s self-respect and self-esteem. Offending others by passing personal remarks or trying to prove they’re wrong activates their amygdala, which triggers fight-flight-freeze response, turning an already difficult situation into an impossible one.

Avoiding words that have the potential to be misinterpreted, stating your views without making it personal or coming across too strong and expressing your concerns in a non-judgmental neutral tone can invite others to take your opinion seriously. They may engage with you to better understand your perspective, show curiosity to dig deeper and think more clearly, leading to a highly constructive discussion.

When sharing your disagreement, using certain words is a big no-no. They trigger intense negative feelings which puts others on the defensive:

Generalizing words like “always” and “never.”
Enforcing words like can’t, shouldn’t, must, have to.
Words that challenge their character like bad, useless, worthless, inferior.
Passing judgment with words like mistake, failure, unacceptable.

We cannot control the way people interpret our ideas or thoughts, but we can control the words and tones we choose to convey them. Peace is built on understanding, and wars are built on misunderstandings. Never underestimate the power of a single word, and never recklessly throw around words.
— Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun

When you speak to someone you disagree with, think carefully about the effect of what you say and avoid emotionally charged words which makes the conversation ineffective.

Use questions to guide the conversation instead of jumping to conclusions

When you don’t agree with someone or have a different point of view, you may rush with an opinion, jump to conclusions or become impatient to get yourself heard. Being too direct can make you come across as pushy, rude, inconsiderate, insensitive and controlling. Directly stating your opinion without taking the time to understand their thinking—what are their beliefs, what matters to them, how did they reach this decision—can make you try very hard to get yourself heard, but your voice will never reach or get across to them.

Questioning, on the other hand, not only gets you closer to their perspective, it makes others feel valued and respected. When you show curiosity to understand others, they reciprocate in kind—your inputs don’t invite pushback, but are treated as an opportunity to explore, test and learn. Questions unlock thinking, gets you closer to differences of opinion and challenges you to reconsider your own point of view without considering it as the only option worthy of time and attention.

Seek clarity and invite others to talk by asking open ended questions:

Tell me more…
Help me understand …
Describe it to me …
What do you think about …
I would like to understand where you are coming from …
Can you share a little more about how you see things …?

Questioning helps people gain perspective and understand the perspectives of others. As they see issues and problems from different points of view, they gain an appreciation for their complexity—and also expand the range of possible solutions.
― Michael J. Marquardt, Leading with Questions

When you speak to someone you disagree with, use questions to find common ground, uncover patterns and help others see the gaps in their thinking instead of stating it explicitly.

Try to influence their decision, not to change their mind

When you don’t agree with someone, you may feel compelled to change their mind by imposing your thoughts and trying to micromanage the outcome. You may attack their thoughts and beliefs, present strong evidence to prove they’re wrong and push aggressively to make them see the issue differently. Trying to change someone’s mind is a cognitive shift—years of ingrained beliefs and attitudes are hard to change because they’re tied to identity, ego and biases, making others “dig in” rather than change. When people feel their beliefs are being attacked, the conversation shifts from problem-solving to winning. The more you push, the more fixed those beliefs can become. Trying to change someone’s mind can also come across as corrective—they may feel you don’t respect their thinking, trust their judgment or that your perspective matters more than their point of view.

Trying to influence others on the other hand, is a behavioral shift—it involves discussing actions, priorities, risks, incentives or trade-offs to help others make a better decision in the moment regardless of their original belief. Influence is achieved through framing—What are the trade-offs? What are the second-order effects? What happens if we do nothing? The idea is to guide their thinking, not impose yours.

To influence someone you disagree with:

Slow down and reflect: What matters to them in this decision? What outcome are they trying to protect? What would make this feel safe for them? What are they optimizing for? What risk are they trying to avoid? What constraints are they managing? What identity or reputation is at stake?
Align interests by connecting your opinion to their priorities.
Frame your suggestions as choices, not conclusions.
Suggest incremental movements like running a small pilot, phased approach or some experiments instead of a full reversal of their method.

The key word in our definition of a disagreement (an unacceptable difference between two perspectives), isn’t “difference.” It’s “unacceptable.” Once the clash between perspectives becomes unacceptable, our motivation shifts from understanding minds to changing them, and from that shift springs a world of trouble.
― Buster Benson, Why Are We Yelling?

When you speak to someone you disagree with, focusing on changing their mind can make you less influential as they feel managed and intellectually overpowered. Rather, explore together, invite reflection and try to expand their perspective instead of changing their belief.

Keep the conversation on track by reiterating over the end goal

Disagreements often turn unproductive and spiral out of control when conversations go off-track and lose focus. Finger-pointing, blame games and other irrelevant points of discussion divert attention away from the main goal. Giving in and contributing to these emotional outbursts by sharing your own frustrations, disappointment or other concerns can waste everyone’s time and energy while not taking you any closer to your goals. Participating in unrelated topics or disconnected arguments derails you from discussing the main idea and making progress on reaching a mutual conclusion.

Remaining present and calm during the emotional moments, reminding everyone of the end goal and tactfully bringing the conversation back to the agenda can unlock clearer thinking, more rational arguments and a better aligned decision. It can pave the path to disagree and commit—disagree and commit divulges the importance of commitment despite our differences. At its core, it supports unity, maturity to disconnect our identity from our ideas and support others even when we do not agree with their point of view. It doesn’t hide the fact that we disagree nor dismiss the value of our opinion, it simply guides us to know when it’s time to get past our convictions and work with others instead of working against them. Reiterating the end goal recenters the discussion on shared purpose instead of competing opinions.

To keep the discussion on track:

Call out the shared outcome explicitly. Shift from my view vs your view to a common objective.
Clarify you agree on the destination, even if you disagree on the path to get there.
Evaluate options by asking which path best serves the agreed outcome.
If emotions arise, anchor back to purpose rather than pushing harder on your argument.

Respect for the problem places all that we’re struggling with into the landscape of the conversation itself. It lets us step back and take a satellite view of the way our tough conversation is playing out. The conversation is no longer a battlefield, but a course of obstacles through which we move.
― Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

When you speak to someone you disagree with, discuss what’s relevant to the current conversation. Stay on track. Avoid going off-topic.

Walk away if it isn’t worth it

Some disagreements may never get resolved, not because you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unreasonable. However, despite your best efforts you may not be able to influence others or reach a conclusion. In some cases, disagreeing with someone superior to you or those in positions of power can even backfire—they may hold it against you which can impact your career and growth. People who display extreme insecurity, stubbornness, egotism or narcissism are often hard to disagree with because they do not want a productive conversation—they want to feel superior, in control and right. They will portray you as a difficult person to discredit your viewpoint. They enjoy arguing for the sake of winning and always take the opposite side regardless of what you say. They consider themselves as the smartest person in the room and belittle you to assert their superiority.

When disagreement feels like a battle or starts to impact your mental health and personal well-being, it’s wise to emotionally detach yourself and walk away from it. Nothing in this world is worth your sanity. It’s important to voice your opinion and share your thoughts, but when the conversation crosses the safe boundary and enters into an unhealthy zone, staying in it or letting yourself be bothered about it is a foolish thing to do. Ruminating about it or spending more time and energy into fixing the situation may only make it harder to let it go.

To identify if you should walk away from a disagreement:

If the decision doesn’t meaningfully impact you, it may not be worth your energy.
If disagreeing further could damage your position without influencing the outcome, it’s wise to stay away.
If the emotions are escalating and the discussion is becoming more reactive with each exchange, continuing the conversation might do more damage than good.
If the other person isn’t interested in solving the problem, only in proving themselves right, it’s not worth continuing.
If they interrupt you constantly, dismiss your thoughts without even considering or attack your character, respectfully disengage.

Reason tells us that we should always be able to work things out with words. But the absurdly profound truth is that in many crucial moments of conflict, when sanity and safety hang in the balance, choosing not to engage verbally can be by far the most powerful form of speech.
― Sol Luckman, Get Out of Here Alive

Not all disagreements need to be resolved and not all of them are worthy. Knowing the difference is crucial to be effective without losing your mind.

Summary

When you don’t pay attention to others and show eagerness to disagree, you invite pushback, resistance and defensiveness. Adopting an attitude of listening encourages others to consider your viewpoint as they feel heard and understood.
How you convey your thoughts matter more than your opinion. Using emotionally charged words, passing personal remarks or using a judgmental tone can trigger intense negative feelings in others. Be calm and respectful. Use words that are less likely to be misinterpreted or evoke strong reactions.
Your viewpoint comes across as imposing when it’s stated as a conclusion instead of an idea that might be worthy of consideration. By asking questions, you can help others see the flaw in their thinking and guide them towards an alternate perspective without coming across as pushy, insensitive or controlling.
Trying to fix people’s mind is futile—years of ingrained beliefs can’t be changed in a day. A more effective strategy is to influence their thinking by discussing actions, risks and priorities that are important to make an effective decision in the moment, regardless of what they believe.
Conversations, especially the ones that involve differences of opinion, often derail from the original goal and lose focus by wasting time on inconsequential topics. By reminding people of the original objective and bringing the main agenda into focus, you can keep the discussion productive.
You don’t need to resolve all disagreements, especially the ones that don’t directly impact you or the ones that compromise your sanity and peace of mind. Let them go, don’t bother yourself with the end outcome.

5 Defensive Behaviors That Show Up at Work

Vinita Bansal — Tue, 16 Dec 2025 11:04:10 +0000

When people at work feel judged, micromanaged, unsupported or afraid of making mistakes, their default reaction is to deflect, justify, avoid or go silent. High workloads with constant pressure, multiple deadlines and great expectations can also shorten their fuse making them more reactive to setbacks, disagreements, feedback or anything they find alarming, frightening or unsafe. Ego loves being a part of any situation that challenges one’s competence—it puts up a protective shield whenever it suspects being questioned, misunderstood or being wronged.

Workplace culture can also promote defensive behaviors by rewarding compliance, confidence, certainty and being right over curiosity, openness, honesty and humility. When employees feel pressured to always have the answer, never make mistakes or fear being embarrassed or shamed, they learn to protect themselves by retaliating, shutting down, arguing or becoming disengaged. Their focus shifts from collaborating and achieving results as a team to safeguarding their image, proving their competence and staying away from trouble.

Judging a defensive person by labeling them “difficult,” avoiding them or trying to correct them by pointing out their behavior does no good—it only makes them more cautious, watchful and guarded. Responding to defensiveness with defensiveness makes conversation unproductive as everyone tries to defend their position without listening to the other side. Refusing to collaborate or share ideas with them delays projects and makes goals hard to achieve.

Beneath every protective behavior is a feeling (emotion) of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And beneath each feeling (emotion) of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn is a need to be safe. When we meet that need of safety rather than focus on the protective behavior that does not protect, we begin to deal with the cause and not the symptom.
― Shreve Gould

Instead of judging, avoiding or getting pulled into a defensive person’s fight-flight-freeze tendency, mindfully and tactfully handle them. Identify which of these 5 defensive behaviors the person is showing and apply the right strategy to tackle them.

Relentless combativeness

When you share feedback with someone, do they instantly flip, become confrontational and aggressive in not just their words, but also their body language? Do they push their ideas aggressively and react with anger? Do they push back, argue and defend themselves by attacking or debating when someone disagrees with them? Do they interrupt others to make themselves heard or become argumentative to prove their point? Do they deflect responsibility, blame others and point fingers instead of accepting their flaws and holding themselves accountable for their actions?

That’s not what happened.

Maybe if you communicated clearly, this wouldn’t happen.

If you think you can do it better, be my guest.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

I don’t have time for this.

Their fight response is triggered when they feel attacked—because of fear of criticism, failure, inadequacy, self-doubt, loss of control or feeling powerless. Disagreements challenge their worth and they try to raise their self-esteem by putting others down. They use power, authority and dominance to hide their weakness and pretend to show up strong. They try to stay in control by dictating and forcing their viewpoint because certainty feels safe while ambiguity triggers stress response. The fear that they’ll lose respect or that their ideas will be dismissed or sidelined if they don’t push hard makes them over-explain, over-correct and over-defend—they use anger, loud voice and other negative gestures to sway the decision and influence the outcomes.

Their fight response to defend themselves can be so blunt and instant that you may be tempted to counter attack. You may respond to their defensiveness with aggression or fight back by matching their tone and body language—there’s more finger pointing, voices get louder and the desire to correct and dominate overpowers the need to find answers. Not only do you feel attacked and minimized, they feel judged, misunderstood and invalidated too. Tension, resentment and distrust shuts down rational thinking making it harder to listen and collaborate.

Instead of meeting combativeness with defensiveness or matching their intensity:

Use a steady tone, grounded posture and relaxed expression to shift their amygdala from threat to safety.
Show curiosity to understand. Ask questions which forces them to explain their viewpoint instead of debating why they’re right and you’re wrong.
Consciously pause and go silent—it interrupts their default fight tendency and gives them space to reconsider their response.
Bring the topic back to the problem and the solution instead of letting the conversation spiral into power plays and blame games.

When we resist the urge to respond impulsively, and plant ourselves in our center as opposed to grasping at straws outside ourselves, we tap into a wellspring of inner fortitude. Such mindful silence allows us to detach from the heat of the moment and respond with clarity rather than reactivity. Choosing silence more and more, we lose less and less energy to ‘dumb shit,’ as I like to say, while intelligently reclaiming our power faster and faster.
― Sol Luckman, Get Out of Here Alive

People who have the tendency to attack, curse, shout or are always ready to pick up a fight can’t be managed by arguing or fighting back. Help them cool down by staying calm and in control of your emotions, instead of being carried away in their drama.

Emotional withdrawal

Do some people appear to do the bare minimum just to get by? Do they refuse to contribute by speaking up in meetings and prefer staying silent? Do they appear disengaged and uninterested? Do they decline opportunities and sign up for easy tasks or work they have done in the past? Do they pull away and shut down when they feel overwhelmed or criticized? Do they avoid confrontation and ignore the conflict instead of facing the problem head-on and working to resolve it?

Whatever works for you.

Let’s just leave it.

I don’t want to get into it.

I don’t really have anything to say.

I don’t know….it’s ok.

Their flight response is a defensive reaction to protect themselves from emotional exposure—feeling emotionally overloaded, threatened or unable to cope makes them turn inward instead of engaging outward and fighting back. Fear of being wrong, misunderstood or being punished makes them retreat into silence or nod in agreement—it’s safer to keep quiet and express approval than speaking up and disappointing others or facing their disapproval, judgment and rejection. Emotional withdrawal protects them from feeling overwhelmed, criticized or unsafe.

Matching their withdrawal with indifference, disengagement or alienation can lead to further disconnection instead of bridging the gap. Labeling them as difficult or uncooperative can reinforce their feelings to hide and disappear. Getting irritated or impatient can make them feel judged—exactly the thing they’re worried about. Pushing them to talk does not work either as the pressure to speak while still feeling unsafe heightens the threat which makes them retreat further. Emotional withdrawal can feel cold, callous and disrespectful, but trying to fix their silence by pressing harder, demanding answers, lecturing or raising your voice can intensify their withdrawal tendency and make them shut down even more.

Instead of meeting their disengagement with anger or frustration:

Create safety using a gentle tone, slow pace and calm body language. Peace, quiet and relaxed voice can reduce the overwhelm and emotional intensity.
Normalize the feeling without the pressure and shame—make them feel seen, not exposed. For example, you can say: “The conversation feels a bit heavy right now. We can slow down if you need.” or “I noticed that you’re quiet. That’s ok.” or “Take a moment. We don’t have to rush.”
Show curiosity and interest in their viewpoint by asking questions. Well thought out and meaningful questions invite engagement and encourage others to share and collaborate.
Guide them to take small steps to reduce overwhelm. For example, you can say: “What’s the smallest thought you can share right now?” or “Which part feels ok to talk about?” or “Is there something that feels safe?”
Don’t jump to fix, correct or challenge their opinion once they’ve shared. Build their confidence by giving them space to speak and engaging in non-judgmental listening.
In the long-term, work to build psychological safety—an environment where everyone feels safe to contribute without fear of reprisal.

We thrive in environments that respect us and allow us to (1) feel included, (2) feel safe to learn, (3) feel safe to contribute, and (4) feel safe to challenge the status quo. If we can’t do these things, if it’s emotionally expensive, fear shuts us down. We’re not happy and we’re not reaching our potential. But when the environment nurtures psychological safety, there’s an explosion of confidence, engagement, and performance. Ask yourself if you feel included, safe to learn, safe to contribute, and safe to challenge the status quo. Finally, ask yourself if you’re creating an environment where others can do these four things. In the process, look around and see others with respect and fresh amazement, find deeper communion in your relationships, and more happiness and satisfaction in your own life.
― Timothy R. Clark, The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety

People who try to avoid or run away from difficult emotions or those who feel unsafe to express can’t be coerced into feeling differently. Help them connect and engage freely by creating an environment where concerns are heard and mistakes are shared without fear of embarrassment or retribution.

Compulsive charm

Do some people appear over-accommodating as they agree to everything you say without any disputes? Do they constantly seek approval or reassurance before making a decision or taking an action? Do they go above and beyond at the cost of their own health to make others happy? Do they always seem to co-operate and comply to avoid conflict? Do they minimize their feelings and put others’ needs first so that they won’t get upset?

Just checking if you’re fine with this.

Absolutely, no problem at all.

Don’t worry. I’ll manage somehow.

You’re right. I messed up.

Hope that didn’t annoy you.

People pleasing is a defensive reaction that keeps people stuck in “yes,” even when every part of their body is screaming “no.” A people pleaser over-accommodates, suppresses their own needs and says yes to everything only to avoid conflict, gain approval, be liked and accepted. Fear of rejection, guilt or the belief that saying no will make them look unkind makes them apologize excessively even when not at fault, say yes to work while already being overwhelmed and nod in agreement to avoid making others unhappy. Not only do they have a hard time setting boundaries, they don’t give honest feedback when it’s needed the most. People pleasers feel burnout from over commitment, suffer from low self-esteem and lack of recognition leads to resentment that builds silently over time.

Working with a people pleaser may seem harmless at first—they’re agreeable, helpful and rarely say no. What more could you want? But lack of honesty, tendency to overcommit and sugarcoat a problem instead of addressing it directly can lead to blind spots, missed deadlines and make problems linger on. Rewarding agreeableness, going above and beyond, doing whatever it takes and being available 24/7 while punishing conflict, dissent or honest feedback can make people-pleasers more compliant, flexible and co-operative. Calling them as fake, insincere or manipulative can shake them even more, making them more fearful, more appeasing and more compliant.

Instead of calling out their people-pleasing tendency or pushing them to prioritize effectiveness over harmony:

Show them that saying no respectfully is normal and healthy.
Model boundary-setting so they feel safe doing it too.
Normalize making mistakes so that they don’t tie it to their self-worth.
Let them know it’s okay to speak up and offer honest feedback without fear of judgment.
Demonstrate that differences of opinion and healthy disagreements are necessary for collaboration, not something to avoid.

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. They are driven by avoiding negative consequences rather than creating positive possibilities. Additionally, they feel that they are always on the brink of rejection, so this urgency causes a type of panic that is characterized by doing anything possible. People-pleasing is a defensive act, whereas genuine concern and generosity are affirmative practices.
― Patrick King, Stop People Pleasing

People who equate “being good” with safety, conflict with danger and displeasing others with punishment may over-explain, over-apologize or suppress their own needs to make others happy. Help them get over their fear of rejection and disapproval by modeling behaviors where being authentic and real are valued and appreciated.

Paralyzing shutdown

Do some people freeze and go blank when asked to share their opinion or decide on a course of action? Do they struggle to articulate their thoughts or express their viewpoint? Do they say “I don’t know” a lot or speak minimal phrases like “yeah…ok…fine.”? Do they avoid eye contact, look away or zone out when a situation feels too intense? Do they get stuck in looping thoughts, fail to choose a direction and struggle to speak or decide? Do they avoid prioritizing, choosing between options or over-analyze to avoid making the wrong move?

I just…I don’t know how to explain.

It’s too much.

I can’t talk about this right now.

I am not sure what you want me to say.

This tendency to freeze is a defensive reaction that reflects cognitive shutdown—stop thinking, stop speaking, go blank. When a situation feels too emotionally threatening, anxiety, fear, shame, hurt, confusion and multiple other negative emotions flood the brain—it becomes foggy, stops processing information efficiently and triggers a reflexive response to shut down to avoid escalating conflict, making the wrong move or being judged or criticized. Silence feels like a safe choice when the fear of saying the wrong thing, being misunderstood, attacked, blamed or failing feels too overwhelming and emotionally intense.

Misinterpreting their freeze response as lack of commitment, capability or interest can make you react with irritation, judgment or assumptions intensifying their need to coop up and coil inward. Drowning them in too much information to help them make a decision when they already feel overloaded can increase overwhelm, triggering a crash, collapse and complete disconnection. Forcing them to respond or demanding them to act can create more pressure, heightening their need to be cautious and fade into the background.

Instead of increasing pressure, increase safety:

Normalize not knowing or uncertainty. Speak calmly and reduce the pace to give them space to breathe and feel safe.
Offer a few choices, not too many options to make them feel in control and comfortable with decision-making.
Break down the problem into small steps and guide them through each step to help them think and engage.
Ask questions to reach conclusions or find solutions instead of pushing for answers.
Reassure that there’s no wrong answer and every input counts. Give them time to think and revisit later if they need more time.

Freeze happens when the brain assesses the threat and decides you’re too slow to run and too small to fight, and so your best hope for survival is to “play dead” until the threat goes away or someone comes along to help you. Freeze is your last-ditch stress response, reserved for threats that the brain perceives as life-threatening, when fight or flight don’t stand a chance.
― Emily Nagoski, Burnout

People who experience paralyzing shutdown suddenly go quiet with flat responses, one word answers, long pauses and no follow-ups. Help them find their voice by reducing information overload, increasing emotional safety and not rushing to fill silence with words.

Ironic shield

Do some people use sarcasm, wit or irony so no one can get close enough to hurt, criticize or judge them? Do they crack jokes to redirect focus away from their true feelings? Do they hide their feelings of insecurity and use humor as an armor to avoid emotional vulnerability? Do they pass clever comments to stop the discussion they find uncomfortable and shift attention away? Do they mock others when things get tense to avoid admitting fear or confusion? Do they undermine others’ inputs and opinions by making fun of them?

Oh sure, let’s pretend this was my fault. Hilarious.

Fantastic plan. Did you come up with it in the lift?

Yeah, I’m thrilled to be here. Can’t you tell?

Wow, great idea… if we lived on Mars.

Oh please, don’t strain yourself thinking so hard.

Mocking tone, snarky remarks, self-deprecating jokes and insults disguised as humor makes others back-off. It works as a defensive strategy to mask vulnerability, create emotional distance, block pressure and feel in control. When people feel criticized, cornered or emotionally exposed, mocking the situation allows them to step away without direct confrontation. Using humor as a shield lets them dismiss discomfort, derail serious discussions and keep others from getting too close. Sarcasm serves as a clever distraction that keeps others from seeing what’s really going on underneath.

Matching their sarcasm with sarcasm of your own, calling them out in a shaming or accusatory way or laughing along to avoid conflict can reinforce their behavior and make them double down on the ironic shield. Pushing back with irritation or trying to expose their motives can intensify their need to protect themselves. The more threatened or misunderstood they feel, the harder they lean on irony, deflection and mockery to protect feelings of shame, discomfort, insecurity and fear of being wrong.

Instead of taking the bait and reacting emotionally:

Avoid snapping back or laughing nervously. Stay neutral and show you’re not engaging in the game.
Bring the conversation back to clarity. Ask direct questions like “What do you actually think?” to shift them out of deflection mode.
Acknowledge the discomfort behind the humor. A simple “I sense this feels a bit tense,” helps lower their need for a shield.
Keep your boundaries firm, but kind. Let them know “I want to understand you, but sarcasm makes it difficult to follow.”
Direct the conversation to the goal. Bring focus back to the issue “What will help us move forward?”

People who try to laugh off serious issues or those who put on a shield of cool detachment can’t be ignored as they leave the conversation messy and unproductive. Help them bypass this defensiveness and disarm the shield by asking questions, inviting clarity and setting a simple non-emotional limit.

Summary

Defensive behavior at work can show up in many ways and the right response is to tactfully handle it and not let ourselves get carried away—by trying to give tit-for-tat.
Someone who tends to pick up a fight, get angry or turn argumentative when their expectations aren’t being met or they fear not being heard, uses aggression as a defense mechanism. Handling them requires staying calm, using a steady tone of voice, asking questions and focusing on the goal instead of turning defensive.
Someone who worries about criticism, judgment or fear being wrong pulls away and goes silent, using withdrawal as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from feeling unsafe. Handling them requires creating psychological safety, showing curiosity and guiding them to take small steps to reduce overwhelm.
Someone who constantly seeks approval, place others’ needs above their own or says “yes” while already being overwhelmed, uses charm as a defense mechanism to be liked and accepted. Handling them requires modeling saying no, setting boundaries and normalizing disagreements.
Someone who suddenly goes blank, struggles to speak or decide or zone out when a situation feels too intense, uses silence as a defense mechanism to avoid escalating conflict, making the wrong move or being judged or criticized. Handling them requires reducing the number of choices, creating space to think and not pushing for answers.
Someone who engages in wit, sarcasm and jokes to hide discomfort and shift attention away, uses humor as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional vulnerability. Handling them requires disarming the shield by staying neutral, directing the conversation to the issue at hand and setting firm boundaries.

How To Get Better At Leading Meetings

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 19 Nov 2025 08:46:29 +0000

Some people love meetings—they can jump the entire day from one meeting to the next believing all of them are important. There’s another group of people who absolutely hate meetings—they avoid meetings, express their disdain when they do have to attend one and consider them a complete waste of time. Then there are people in the middle who neither love nor hate them—they understand that some meetings are necessary to resolve conflicts, avoid confusion and seek alignment. They are an opportunity to come together, iron out our differences and commit to moving in the same direction.

Meetings are important. Without them, it will be impossible to make good decisions, align on common goals and make progress on projects and tasks. Meetings can unlock productivity, make teams more performant and develop a strong sense of camaraderie that can make work less boring and more fun. They can prevent mistakes from happening, generate a diverse set of ideas and provide an opportunity to challenge the status quo.

But for meetings to be effective, there has to be a conscious effort from people who lead these meetings. Without focusing on what makes a meeting useful, it’s easy to suck into people’s time and energy. It’s easy to conduct discussions that don’t end in a conclusion or have clear action items. It’s easy to mistake silence for approval or lack of questions for clarity. Unprepared, unstructured and unplanned meetings can be a disaster. If you’re the one conducting it, you have to respect other people’s time.

While it is true that much of the time we currently spend in meetings is largely wasted, the solution is not to stop having meetings, but rather to make them better. Because when properly utilized, meetings are actually time savers. That’s right. Good meetings provide opportunities to improve execution by accelerating decision making and eliminating the need to revisit issues again and again. But they also produce a subtle but enormous benefit by reducing unnecessarily repetitive motion and communication in the organization.
― Patrick Lencioni, Death by Meeting

Becoming significantly better at leading meetings can’t happen in a day, but if you keep following these 5 practices, you’ll see tremendous improvements in how your meetings are perceived and the results you achieve as a group.

Schedule consciously

It may be tempting to call a meeting for every idea, issue or discussion, thinking that getting together as a group will expedite the process of decision-making and help you reach a quick conclusion. However, meetings distract others from doing focused work—people need dedicated blocks of time to be productive, which keeps getting disrupted with meetings popping out every now and then.

For things that can be communicated or discussed over email or chat, making everyone walk up to a room and sort things out is unnecessary. Async communication not only gives an opportunity to others to respond at their own time, it also prevents the energy drain that comes with attending too many meetings.

So, before you decide to block a spot on others calendars, take a moment to determine if you really need one. Is there another way to convey what you need to say? Can you get others’ inputs without meeting them face-to-face? What additional value will you bring by getting them together?

If you absolutely need a meeting, don’t invite entire teams or a large group of people. Keep the invite limited to a few people—Who has knowledge and information that’s relevant to the discussion? Who are the key decision makers and important stakeholders? Who all needs the context and details of what’s going to be discussed? Who’s required to act on it?

Imagine that everyone who shows up represents fifty dollars. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but if you invite the wrong two people, or two people come to an unnecessary meeting every day, then you’ve wasted one hundred dollars and prevented two people from providing more value by remaining at their desks and getting their work done. Say this happens once a day; that’s one hundred dollars a day, multiplied by 250 operating days. That is $25,000 a year that disappeared because you invited the wrong people to a meeting. If this goes on for years then it could cost your company hundreds of thousands of dollars. That’s only if you’re inviting two people wrongly. Imagine if the majority of people attending meetings in the company shouldn’t be?
— Cameron Herold, Meetings Suck

Don’t hold a meeting just because you think this is what you should do. Minimize the number of meetings and the number of people who need to get together to accomplish anything.

Have a clear agenda

A meeting without a clear line-up of what needs to be discussed can easily go off-track or get hijacked by a random topic. When people don’t know what’s in and out of scope, they may bring their own agendas to the meeting. Without a proper structure, meeting looks like a random exchange of messages that lacks value and substance—with a lot of talk, less alignment and more friction.

Not having a set agenda from the beginning also makes it hard for others to contribute—they may not be able to share their best ideas when put on the spot or may fear speaking up without an opportunity to think things through. Ideas get lost and concerns are withheld as people end up sharing what seems right in that moment, not what’s necessary. Being unprepared can also lead to scheduling many follow-up discussions as people need more time to think, analyze and share their perspective. Decisions are delayed, projects drag on and timelines are missed when meetings lack clear intent and focus.

To lead meetings effectively, start with a clear agenda—list down 4-5 items that will be the key focus area. Share documentation and other relevant material to read up. State the expectations, if any, from specific people so that they can come prepared. State the outcome and what you wish to achieve from the meeting so that everyone can stay focused on the objectives and the end results.

Agendas serve several purposes. The main ones are keeping the meeting running in the correct sequence and covering the right topics. However, another major role of the agenda is to let the meeting participants know what the meeting will be about and also what it won’t cover.
— Heather Baker, Successful Minute Taking and Writing

A meeting is only as good as its agenda. Share the agenda beforehand—give participants time to think and prepare.

Set the ground rules

A clear agenda sets the direction for the meeting. It paves the way for a productive discussion. However, many things can still derail a meeting and prevent you from achieving the desired outcomes. These things may seem like basic communication etiquette, but without reminding people about them, most tend to go wild.

People may interrupt others when they’re talking. This not only breaks their chain of thought, but can also lower their confidence. Passing mean remarks or being disrespectful can turn a healthy debate into a war room. Saying things that are irrelevant to the topic at hand can distract others and take the meeting off-track. Going into lengthy explanations or sharing too much information which aren’t really necessary can waste everyone’s time.

A productive meeting requires clear, concise, respectful and thoughtful communication. And this can’t be achieved if people in the meeting don’t understand the difference between useful callouts and unhealthy interruptions. If they don’t understand how decisions will be made or who has the final authority, differences of opinion can lead to long debates, causing meeting agenda to go out the window. If they haven’t been told about which behaviors are acceptable and what won’t be tolerated, they may say or do things that puts some people off.

Setting the ground rules at the beginning of the meeting can prevent some of these problems by reminding everyone to focus on the agenda, while keeping their egos, biases, personal grudges and other differences aside.

Effective communication is shaped by human nature and is subject to the complexities, inconsistencies, and particularities which characterize human behavior. Since communication is intended to change the way people think and feel and what they understand, know, and do, it will invariably be shaped by human emotions.
― Helio Fred Garcia, The Power of Communication

Meetings with behavioral expectations reduce the possibility of people engaging in unruly ways towards each other. It makes them more likely to present themselves with calm, poise and a friendly demeanor.

Give everyone a chance to speak

There are two types of people in a meeting—loudspeakers and observers.

Loud ones try to dominate the conversation by speaking non-stop, imposing their views and talking over others thereby preventing them from fully expressing their views. In short, they hog the conversation not leaving enough room for anyone else to share their thoughts.

Quiet ones stay silent, often observing and listening to others viewpoints while holding themselves back from contributing out of fear that their ideas will not be valued or that they will make a mistake in front of others. Not speaking up or being sidelined by the loud ones can get their ideas, thoughts and concerns overlooked.

Just because observers don’t object doesn’t mean they agree. Don’t mistake their silence for compliance, lack of interest or incompetence. They may bring fresh perspective or creative solutions which if left unshared will prevent everyone from capitalizing on their valuable insights.

To create space for the silent ones to speak up, put a pause on the loud voices. Say this:

Let’s give everyone a chance to speak. I’d like to hear from others who haven’t had a chance to share yet.

I value your enthusiasm, but let’s give some others a moment to share their thoughts.

Let’s make sure everyone has a chance to contribute. How about we hear from someone who hasn’t shared yet?

Great points, but let’s step back and hear from others so we can broaden the discussion.

We have some quiet voices in the room and their perspectives are important, so let’s listen for a moment.

If the silent members still don’t chime in, call them out one by one and encourage them to share their thoughts openly. Remind them of the impact of not speaking up. Show them that their perspective is valued. Say this:

By staying silent, you might limit the team’s ability to make informed decisions.

Without everyone’s input, we might overlook potential solutions that could solve the problem more effectively.

Not expressing concerns or suggestions can lead to solving problems with incomplete knowledge, which could lead to mistakes down the line.

If you can think of meetings you’ve attended, you can probably recall a time – plenty of times – when the opinion of the most dynamic or talkative person prevailed to the detriment of all.
― Susan Cain, Quiet

Anyone in a meeting can come up with an insight that can lead to a better solution, decision or a better outcome. Don’t let the loudspeakers prevent you from seeking diverse perspectives. Silent them to create space for other voices. Balance dominant voices with quieter ones.

End with clear action items and follow-ups

One of the most critical things to the success of any meeting is the outcome—what did people take away from the discussion? Were they clear about the decisions made? Do they know and understand the next steps? Are they clear on the action items? Do they need any follow-up meetings? What are the timelines to close pending issues and who all need to be involved?

When these aspects are left undiscussed or they aren’t clearly documented and shared, it leaves people feeling confused, disoriented and puzzled. They leave the meeting not knowing what to do next, or worse, making wrong assumptions about their goals and priorities. Decisions fail to achieve the desired outcomes because people who’re required to support them and act on them aren’t aligned and don’t share the same view of their expectations. Meetings drag on, projects get delayed and mismatch of expectations leads to frustration, anger and resentment amongst people. More time is spent in blame games, finger pointing, complaining and sobbing and less in working together and resolving problems.

Leading an effective meeting requires closing with impact so decisions stick and actions happen. It requires identifying and clearly communicating action items and the next steps—what’s expected from each person or a group, who’s responsible for it, when each action item must be closed, what’s the timeline to resolve pending issues and who all needs to be a part of it.

Clarity brings a sense of harmony—when they aren’t worked up about who’s right and who’s wrong, they can dedicate their energy to thinking creatively, finding solutions and implementing their best ideas. Clarity can also drive connection—when everyone is working towards the same goals, it binds them and brings them closer through common understanding, shared knowledge and mutual respect.

Once the meeting is over….nail down exactly what happened by sending out minutes that summarize the discussion that occurred, the decision made, and the actions to be taken. And it’s very important that attendees get the minutes quickly, before they forget what happened. The minutes should also be as clear and as specific as possible, telling the reading what is to be done, who is to do it, and when. All this may seem like too much trouble, but if the meeting was worth calling in the first place, the work needed to produce the minutes is a small additional investment (an activity with high leverage) to ensure that full benefit is obtained from what was done.
— Andy Grove, High Output Management

Repeating the decisions or action items after the meeting helps set the record straight. It creates alignment and understanding, which makes it easier to move forward together. Don’t take this part for granted as it’s the most critical aspect of any meeting and one that’s often the most neglected.

Meeting Minutes Template

Keep track of key decisions, action items and other takeaways from the meeting with this worksheet.

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Summary

Meetings aren’t necessarily bad when done with the intent to seek alignment, solve problems and make progress on goals. They can unlock creative solutions, prevent mistakes from happening and reduce misunderstandings and confusion. But, for meetings to be productive, the person conducting it has to follow the right practices to ensure there’s tremendous value generated from the discussion and it isn’t a complete waste of time.
Too many meetings can disrupt the focus and attention required to complete tasks. When people keep jumping from one meeting to the next, they have less time available to do real work. That’s why the person conducting the meeting has to be really conscious of their decision—do they really need everyone together face-to-face or can the outcome be achieved through email or chat? Conduct a meeting only if it’s absolutely necessary.
Meetings without a clear agenda may not only go beyond scheduled time, they may end without any meaningful progress. Without a proper structure, time is wasted on topics that are either irrelevant or not important. Key issues that need discussion are sidelined as other random conversations take over. To protect meeting time and achieve desired results, define a clear agenda and communicate it up front.
How people behave in a meeting is crucial as personal egos, biases and interests can derail meeting agenda. Setting ground rules on what will and will not be tolerated can reduce friction by telling everyone to approach conversations with thoughtfulness, respect and consideration of others feelings.
Loud voices can dominate a meeting if they aren’t put to rest. They can hijack the conversation, interrupt others or not give an opportunity for others to speak. Silent ones may have crucial insights and not hearing them out can lead to poor choices and bad decisions. Make way for everyone to contribute. Invite diverse perspectives by quietening the loud ones.
Finally, no meeting can be successful without clear action items, follow-ups and the next steps. When people are clear on what’s expected from them and others, they can focus their energy on solving problems and moving forward. Document the action items and the next steps clearly. Ensure everyone leaves the meeting knowing what’s expected from them.

How to Deal With Rude People Without Losing Your Cool

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 10:47:49 +0000

Rude people at work are inescapable—those frustrating, annoying and obnoxious people who may insult, verbally attack, curse, mock, threaten or use subtle gestures like rolling eyes, raised eyebrows, tense jaw, crossed arms, pointing fingers or a sarcastic tone to convey their displeasure.

From being passive-aggressive to being openly dismissive, their remarks can make you feel small or irrelevant. Their words are often coated with a hint of sarcasm. They may appear to be helpful on the surface while trying to dominate or assert superiority.

That’s cute, but let’s be realistic.

Must be nice to have that kind of free time.

Interesting choice.

You’re overreacting, just calm down.

I’ll explain it slowly so it’s clear.

Oh, you’re still on that?

It’s not that complicated.

This form of rudeness can mess with your head, making you respond in kind. You may turn defensive or become confrontational. You may give them a taste of rudeness by passing mean remarks, expressing disdain or raising your voice. But, reciprocating negative behavior only escalates the situation. Responding to rude people with rudeness or getting into a debate with them does not make them change—if anything, it makes them more likely to repeat this behavior.

Crazy, rude people who say and do mean things will always be present in your life—people who will try to blame you, those who’ll stare at you in contempt or the ones who nickname and tease you without regard for how it makes you feel. The solution to deal with their rudeness isn’t to get mad, lose your calm or indulge in self-pity—these behaviors will only worsen the conflict and your mood.

Don’t act as a victim—don’t blame, complain or sob. Don’t form an agenda to make them feel bad. Instead, calmly and carefully analyze their behavior, take control of the situation and act in ways that will challenge the rude person to reconsider their response. Managing your reaction to rudeness can develop emotional resilience and build personal strength.

We need to become different people in our responses to others, building character traits that allow us to handle their craziness without becoming victims. When we become different, people will respond to us differently. But most important, we’ll have the strength of character and the boundaries that allow us to be emotionally healthy, no matter what others do.
― Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys

Follow these 5 practices to handle a rude person without stooping to their level:

Analyze their behavior

Our mind, which is a meaning-making machine, likes to make sense of things which makes it attach meaning to conversations, situations and anything else that gets our attention. But our judgments about others are faulty most of the time—we may jump to the conclusion that others are out to get us for even minor inconveniences, small variation in expectations or slight digression from what we believe to be polite.

Colleague didn’t invite you to the meeting. Rude!

Someone called out that your idea was no good. Rude!

Your manager cancelled the meeting at the last minute. Rude!

Some people’s honest and direct communication can be perceived as rudeness, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. What another person considers as being forthright can mean insult to you. People may also appear cruel because they lack the communication skills or emotional maturity to handle difficult situations well.

Rude people exist, but not every instance where your expectations aren’t met deserves to be tagged as offensive or disrespectful. Some people are rude out of habit—they undermine, belittle and interrupt others constantly. Others may occasionally be impolite or lose their calm because they’re simply having a bad day.

Understanding the difference between these two sets of people is important to manage and adjust your response instead of putting everyone into the same bucket. Instead of labeling people as good or bad, right or wrong, rude or kind, step back and take a moment to analyze their response:

What did they say or do that frustrated, annoyed or put you off?
Are they always this way or is it a one-off instance?
What can cause them to behave this way?
Under what circumstances can you see yourself or others behave in a similar manner?
What situational factors could have contributed to it? Consider different circumstances, pressures and constraints that might be influencing them.

One of the easiest things in life is to judge others. One of the simplest things we can ever do is to tell how wrong people are. One of the most thoughtless things we can ever do is to show people their faults unconstructively. It is always so easy and common to do such things but, before you do that, find the uncommon reasons for the faulty life.Yes! before you do that, identify how to correct a faulty life and before you do that, think of what drives and invokes the joy, slothfulness or the melancholy in people. Until you go through what people have been through, until you experience what has become a part of people, until you understand what drives the real interest of people and until you become fully aware of the real vision, aspirations, desires and the needs of others, ponder before you criticize!
― Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Judging others does not change anything—it only prevents you from seeing the truth and creating space for better understanding. Don’t rush to shut down people you perceive to be rude. Analyze their behavior and consciously choose a response.

Feel in control, don’t react

Rudeness or perceived rudeness can evoke strong negative emotions and make you reactive instead of a more thoughtful and considered response. You may lash out, silently disengage or make it your mission to fix and correct them.

But reacting instead of responding with clear intent turns an already bad situation into an unproductive one. Displaying anger in your voice or body language can make rude people more likely to turn aggressive or act in an unfriendly way. Trying to fix them and not being able to do so can make you feel more helpless, powerless and out of control. Silently disengaging can take away the opportunity to collaborate and achieve shared goals.

You cannot control a rude person’s words or their behavior, but you can choose how you respond to them. To do this, you need to learn how to better control and manage your emotions. Your emotions determine how you experience the things around you—consciously or unconsciously, they guide all your actions. Learning to control your emotions frees you from the debilitating effect of rudeness in your life.

Controlling emotions does not mean denying or ignoring them. It means acceptance without exaggeration or letting them rule your life. Whenever you feel ridiculed by a rude person, connect with your emotions to understand what they’re trying to tell:

What emotions are you feeling right now—anger, frustration, rejected, discouraged, insecure, humiliated, insignificant? Name them.
What about their behavior or action triggered this feeling? What specifically did they say or do that made you feel this way?
How can this emotion be unhelpful if you decide to act on it? What can go wrong or how can it make the situation worse?
Can you choose another response that will allow you to express your feelings without provoking or causing the rude person to turn hostile?

What the other person says or does cannot really annoy or irritate you except you permit him to disturb you. The only way he can annoy you is through your own thought. For example, if you get angry, you have to go through four stages in your mind: You begin to think about what he said. You decide to get angry and generate an emotion of rage. Then, you decide to act. Perhaps, you talk back and react in kind. You see that the thought, emotion, reaction, and action all take place in your mind. When you become emotionally mature, you do not respond negatively to the criticism and resentment of others.
— Joseph Murphy, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind

Emotions are powerful signals that can help you connect with your deepest desires, fears and insecurities and turn negative reactions into constructive possibilities. Rudeness evokes strong negative emotions—learning to control them can enable you to handle the situation with calm and poise without appearing distressed, agitated or unsettled.

Don’t take it personally

We take things personally all the time, assuming other people’s response is a direct measure of our worth or their words reflect what they think about us. We assume a central role in their story, even when what they’re conveying or projecting has nothing to do with us.

A team member makes fun of your mistake. She thinks I’m incompetent.

A colleague snobbishly refuses to help out. They must not like me.

Your manager keeps looking at their phone while talking to you. He’s not interested in what I have to say.

Rudeness is often a sign of insecurity and it has more to do with the person and less about you—their fears, their failures, their hopes and dreams. How they think and feel about themselves is how they show up to others. Mocking you may imply they’re scared to make mistakes. Using a condescending tone to say “no” can mean they don’t trust themselves or constantly looking at the phone while talking to you can stem from their desire to micromanage.

Others rarely do or say things because of you—most of the time they’re projecting their own insecurities or internal dissatisfaction onto you. Their aggressive or impolite behavior can be a cover up for their feelings of powerlessness. Their habitually cynical or sarcastic tone can imply they’re jealous of your success.

Even if it seems personal, taking things personally rarely helps. It evokes a strong negative emotional response—you may feel hurt, rejected, insulted, disappointed and let down. Left unhandled, these emotions create a downward spiral of negativity and rumination which can take a toll on your mental health and personal well-being. When dealing with a rude person:

Keep ego out of the equation. Ego plays a big role in determining what you make of any situation. When ego gets involved, you exaggerate, blow things out of proportion and start taking everything personally. Removing ego from the frame is the first step to think clearly.
Don’t assume bad intent without exploring alternative views, constraints and situations that might contribute to someone’s behavior. Show curiosity to explore a different perspective than your brain’s default wiring.
What goes on in your head is not apparent to others. Explicitly state your feelings and emotions, understand their viewpoint and reset expectations.
When things appear personal because it wasn’t a creation of your mind but indeed an attempt to hurt you, stop wasting time on things you can’t change—their behavior, their actions. Identify what you can change or do and act on it.

Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me.” During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me! Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

It’s easy to lose your cool when the rude person’s thoughtless behavior or hurtful comments seem to attack your sense of self or who you think you are. But, their mean, irrational and insensitive behavior reveals who they are, not who you are. Stop taking their rudeness personally. Tackle the situation with a clear head.

Pick your battles carefully

A rude person’s remarks can feel like a sting, making you instantly bite back. But, confronting them, challenging them or trying to make them feel bad may not be the best use of your time. You aren’t obliged to deal with the rude person unless their behavior or action impacts your work directly. Every moment spent dealing with them keeps you from working on tasks and projects that will help you accomplish your goals. Every angry debate consumes your energy that may be better spent elsewhere.

You can choose to engage or ignore, based on who the person is and how it impacts your work. Not every situation is worth fighting and not every instance of rudeness demands your attention.

As the saying goes in poker, know when to hold them, know when to fold them. Sun Tzu also expressed the idea in The Art of War “Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence.” Sometimes, it’s important for you to speak up and express your discontent with their behavior, while at other times it’s best to keep quiet and let them have their way. Pick your battles carefully.

Refuse to let your life and choices be controlled by the attitude of others. Instead of dealing with every instance of rudeness in the same way, pick the right battles to fight. Let go of small issues that don’t matter as much.

Determine how harmful their behavior is to your future.
If they don’t matter much, choose to disengage and walk away. It’s better to limit interactions with such people. Stay away from the drama and refuse to engage with it.
If you can’t avoid them, practice the art of war first. Disarm them by refusing to react to their negativity. Rude people may instantly switch gears and shift from a threatening demeanor to being nice when they see that you refuse to pick up a fight.
If nothing works and their rudeness only intensifies, you can no longer keep quiet.

You choose to let things bother you. You can just as easily choose not to notice the irritating offender, to consider the matter trivial and unworthy of your interest. That is the powerful move. What you do not react to cannot drag you down in a futile engagement. Your pride is not involved. The best lesson you can teach an irritating gnat is to consign it to oblivion by ignoring it.
— Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

Every time you choose to turn away and not engage with a rude person is an opportunity to look into a better direction. Every fight that you refuse to pick up is an opportunity to channel your energy into something constructive. Fight only the most important fights, let the rest go.

Set boundaries

You’ve done your best to avoid rude people. You have tried to give them the silent treatment. But, what if these tactics don’t work on certain people? What if they turn more and more annoying, more cynical, more intrusive or more delusional with each conversation? What if they intentionally try to hurt you by saying mean things? What if they purposefully try to stir up a conflict? What if they try to make you feel small by highlighting your mistakes and criticizing your work?

These people will not shut up unless you speak up. They may take your silence for weakness and try to assert authority, throw tantrums or manipulate you into doing things their way. Letting these people have their way for too long can turn them even more hostile—it gives them permission to meddle, judge and lead with strong opinions.

To deny them this power over you, you need to be outright in what you will and will not tolerate. You need to clearly state the impact of their words and actions. You need to tell them to stay away from making jokes, being sarcastic or crossing over a personal boundary. Rude people are also good at exploiting boundaries—don’t let them overstep it. Reinforce it by communicating it often.

Here are some statements you can use to communicate your limits while staying respectful and protecting your emotional space:

Let’s pause this conversation until we can both be respectful.
I don’t respond well to that kind of language.
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and give you another chance.
I value clear communication. Could we avoid personal comments?
Please don’t joke about that. It’s not funny to me.
I’d appreciate it if we could speak calmly.
That comment wasn’t necessary. Can we stay focused on the issue?
I don’t think that tone is helping either of us.
This isn’t an appropriate way to talk to me.
That’s not something I’m comfortable with.

When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.
— Shannon L. Alder

When you can’t avoid a rude person and when nothing else works, you can’t continue being mistreated. Address their behavior and hold them accountable by setting boundaries. Communicate what you won’t tolerate and don’t let them take it for granted.

Summary

Rude people exist, but not everything that frustrates and annoys you could be another person’s fault. Some people are rude out of habit and others may be simply having a bad day. Analyzing others behavior that you perceive to be rude is critical to respond thoughtfully instead of turning defensive or attacking them to set them straight.
Rudeness floods your brain with strong negative emotions, which makes you more likely to react instead of responding calmly. Learning to control your emotions can enable you to stay constructive and undisturbed without exaggerating or worsening the situation.
Attaching other people’s rude remarks to your identity or self-worth can get ego involved, making it hard for you to see that their behavior and actions often reveal a lot about them—their desires, fears and insecurities—and have little to do with who you are or your worth.
Not every rude person matters. You can choose to disengage and walk away if they don’t impact your work or the goals you wish to accomplish. You can also disarm them by staying silent and refusing to pick up a fight. In the end, if nothing else works, you need to speak up.
Kindness does not always work, especially with people who say and do mean things to hurt others purposefully. Shut them down and deny them this power by clearly communicating what you will and will not tolerate.

How to Work With Different People on Your Team

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 28 May 2025 05:24:52 +0000

If you take the time to notice people around you, you’ll find that they all have unique styles in the way they talk, how they work and what motivates or drives them. Each person has a distinct personality that may appeal to you because it’s relatable or bother you because you can’t comprehend the way they think, feel and act.

But we hardly pay attention to others. We hardly take the time to understand what makes them act a certain way. Not understanding others not only leads to misunderstandings, frustration and conflict, it makes us miserable because we simply can’t stand people we need to work with.

For example:

If you’re a fast-paced go-getter, you may feel slowed down by someone who’s more detail-oriented, while they may feel rushed and pushed into a decision.

You prefer collaborating closely, while someone else likes to work independently with minimal interference. You may find them as cold and unresponsive while they may think of you as annoying and painful.

As a problem solver, you may want to fix things and move on. You may feel dragged down by a naysayer who keeps rejecting your ideas and gets on your nerves.

Avoiding people you find unrelatable is not an option because they may well be part of your team or you may be required to collaborate with them on a common goal or project at work. Getting annoyed, irritated or losing your calm when working with such people is not smart, because not loosening up around them will only make the matter worse. When you’re less tensed, more relaxed and comfortable with others, when you let go of rigidity and inhibitions, you can engage with them in a more open and constructive discussion.

Let’s be real. You can’t spend all your time around people you find comfortable, inspiring or like-minded—you can’t handpick your dream team or curate your colleagues like a playlist. Learning to navigate differences and finding ways to work effectively with different kinds of people isn’t just smart—it’s a practical strategy to get things done without losing your mind.

Whether it’s the endless complainer, the interrupter, the credit stealer or the know-it-all, you can’t dodge these personalities at work. They come with the territory. The real skill isn’t avoiding them, it’s learning to navigate around their quirks, protect your peace and still deliver without getting dragged into the drama.

We differ from each other in fundamental ways. We differ in our thoughts, in our feelings, in our wants and beliefs, and in what we say and do. Differences are all around us and are not difficult to see, if we look.
— David Keirsey, Please Understand Me

Here are the different personalities at work and how to work well with each one of them:

The Whiner

The whiners constantly blame, complain and sob. They do not take responsibility for anything and look for excuses to justify anything that’s not well done. They dramatize minor inconveniences and dwell on setbacks far longer than necessary.

Their defeatist tone is emotionally draining to people around as they focus more on venting than resolving. Their repeated complaints not only wastes time and energy, it lowers morale by spreading negativity and influencing others to adopt a pessimistic tone.

I never get recognized like others do.

I’m always left out of the loop.

I’m already drowning, and now this?

Complainers are those Difficult People who manage to find fault with everything, malcontents who gripe ad nauseam about everything from how messy your desk is to the temperature outside.
— Robert M. Bramson, Coping With Difficult People

To work with a whiner without getting drained:

Give space for venting, but with a time limit without validating their negativity.
Redirect the conversation by shifting it towards action.
Encourage them to take ownership, not promote dependency by acting as a rescuer.
Give feedback calmly and respectfully when necessary to hold them accountable.

For example:

I get that it feels tough. What’s one thing you can do today to get back on track?

If there’s a communication gap, what can you do to close it? Would it help to ask for updates directly?

It sounds like you’re really frustrated. But that attitude won’t help us move forward. Can we focus on what we can improve?

Whiners often feel powerless. Instead of becoming their emotional crutch, help them regain control by shifting to solution mode.

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The Manipulator

Manipulators are people with ill-intention who use deceptive tactics—like flattery, guilt-tripping, gaslighting or half-truths—to make you do things that serve their interests, often at your expense. They may take credit for your ideas, stir up conflict or shower you with praise just to secure your trust, only to misuse it later for their own gain.

Manipulators are hard to spot because with the intention to cheat and deceive, they use tricks that are meant to influence, exploit and control you. They are quick in sensing your weak spots and smart to know how to capitalize on them. Their aim isn’t collaboration, but control—with the end goal to benefit themselves, no matter the cost to others.

Manipulators are also hungry for attention—they eat into a significant portion of your time and energy by making you prioritize their needs and concerns over things that you value in life.

I was counting on you. I told everyone you’d come through—don’t let me down.

You’re the only one who’s really smart about these things—I wouldn’t trust anyone else with this.

Oh… I thought you already knew. I assumed someone else told you.

Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when to do so and how hard to press. Our lack of self-awareness can easily set us up to be exploited.
— George K. Simon Jr., In Sheep’s Clothing

To work with a manipulator without turning it into a confrontation:

Manipulators thrive on vagueness. Set clear boundaries—clarify what you will and won’t do.
Stay emotionally neutral. Don’t react defensively or fall into guilt traps. Stay calm and stick to facts.
Bring conversations into the open. This limits their ability to twist facts later.
Force them to be specific by asking clarifying questions.

For example:

I’m not available to take this on right now.

I hear your concerns, but I’d prefer we talk through the actual situation.

Let’s get everyone together so we’re all on the same page.

Who exactly asked you to tell me this?

Manipulators are often strategic and subtle, which can make them hard to spot initially. Instead of letting them disarm you with their charm or twist reality to get what they want, throw them off balance by staying grounded in facts, setting clear boundaries and questioning inconsistencies in what they say or do.

The People Pleaser

A people pleaser over-accommodates, suppresses their own needs and says yes to everything only to avoid conflict, gain approval, be liked and accepted.

Fear of rejection, guilt or the belief that saying no will make them look unkind makes them apologize excessively even when not at fault, say yes to work while already being overwhelmed and nod in agreement to avoid making others unhappy. Not only do they have a hard time setting boundaries, they don’t give honest feedback when it’s needed the most.

People pleasers feel burnout from over commitment, suffer from low self-esteem and lack of recognition leads to resentment that builds silently over time.

I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t upset you.

It’s no trouble at all! (even if it is)

I don’t mind staying late again.

To make a people pleaser prioritize effectiveness over harmony :

Show them that saying no respectfully is normal and healthy.
Model boundary-setting so they feel safe doing it too.
Normalize making mistakes so that they don’t tie it to their self-worth.
Let them know it’s okay to disagree and offer honest feedback without fear of judgment.

For example:

Is this something you can realistically take on this week? It’s ok to say no if your plate’s full.

I won’t be able to help this time, but let’s figure out another way.

No need to apologize so much—it’s a small fix. Everyone makes mistakes and this is just part of learning.

I noticed you agreed with both points—which one do you actually support? It’s okay to take a stand.

Instead of rewarding people pleasers for seeking approval and external validation, make them feel safe to show up as themselves, not the version they think everyone wants.

The Naysayer

A naysayer is quick to shoot down ideas, over-emphasizes risks and problems and is often resistant to change—it is not possible, it is not good enough, it will fail. Their tendency to lean towards the negative, being highly pessimistic or overly cautious can shoot down creativity and innovation before it gets a chance to breathe. They try to cast doom and gloom over everything you say or do.

Their constant second guessing can often be contagious—not getting the support you need can make you doubt yourself, question your abilities and strangle your willpower to move boldly and take risks. Constantly pointing out what could go wrong makes you turn cautious too—you start equating new with risky and prefer safe options over bold initiatives.

That’s never going to work.

You’re not thinking this through.

We tried that five years ago. Disaster.

Congenital naysayers are among the greatest stumbling blocks to thinking free. Rather than imagining how a new idea might possibly work, they instinctively think of all the reasons why it won’t. They sincerely believe that they are doing everyone a favor by reducing the amount of time spent on bad or foolish ideas. But what they really do is undermine the creativity that can be harvested from thinking free.
— Steven Sample, The Contrarian’s Guide to Leadership

To work with a naysayer without letting them suck your energy and enthusiasm:

Ask them to share specific concerns instead of generalizing and spreading negativity.
Challenge them to contribute by asking for solutions instead of only sharing critique.
Suggest starting with small experiments to make change appear less threatening.
Invite others to share their opinion instead of letting a naysayers voice dominate decision-making.

For example:

Can you walk us through what exactly you see going wrong?

If this plan doesn’t work, what would you suggest as a better alternative?

Why don’t we pilot this idea on a small scale and see what we learn.

Let’s invite others who could help shape the idea further.

Naysayers may be annoying but you can’t always ignore them. Instead of treating them as an enemy of progress and silencing their voice, turn their skepticism into an asset rather than a roadblock through structured and guided thinking.

The Know-it-all

The know-it-all is the most annoying person in the room who gives advice without being asked, pretends to know everything and has a strong tendency to overlook the intelligence of others. They dominate discussions under the justification of being helpful, shut others down by telling them that they’re wrong and assume authority on every topic by flaunting their past experience.

Constant one-upping and unsolicited advice not only feels patronizing, the desire to always be right makes it hard to correct or challenge them. Working with them can be maddening because they won’t show an ounce of curiosity about your perspective and will go on and on just to prove they’re right and you’re wrong.

Trust me, I’ve seen this a hundred times.

Let me tell you how this really works.

Well actually, the correct term is …

A know-it-all poses to know everything, so he will therefore tell you anything; although his brain forgets that one crucial thing, which is that other people, too, have brains.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy

To work with a know-it-all without letting them intimidate or frustrate you:

Avoid power struggle by bringing in data and letting facts do the talking.
Don’t compete by turning it into a battle of egos, instead keep the focus on outcomes and shared goals.
Give feedback by focusing on the impact of their behavior, not intent.
Encourage turn taking to ensure everyone gets a chance to voice their opinion without one person dominating the room.

For example:

That’s interesting—I’ve seen it work a bit differently. Can I share what I’ve noticed?

Let’s assume we’re both partly right—what would the middle ground look like?

I know your intention is to help, but sometimes people hold back ideas because they feel overshadowed.

Let’s go around the table to hear from each person.

Know-it-alls lack humility and openness in their quest to be labeled as the smartest person in the room. Instead of letting them run the show, tactfully steer the discussion by creating space for more voices.

The Slacker

A slacker puts in minimal effort, avoids taking responsibility and often lets others pick up the slack. They miss deadlines, deliver incomplete work and procrastinate too much to avoid doing the work. You can’t rely on them because you don’t know when they’ll just disappear.

Their tendency to avoid doing the work makes them deflect blame, give excuses or do the bare minimum just to get by. Their behavior not only slows down projects due to missing deliverables and last-minute chaos, other members of the team who are forced to pick up the slack turn frustrated and resentful.

I’m still thinking it through.

I’ll get to it after I wrap up a few other things.

I thought someone else was handling that part.

Oh, I didn’t realize that was urgent.

Lazy people do a little work and think they should be winning. Winners work as hard as possible and still worry that they are being lazy.
― Lewis Caralla

Work with a slacker without letting them engage in avoidance or excuse-making:

Set clear deadlines, deliverables and responsibilities. Get things documented to avoid ambiguity.
Hold them accountable in weekly check-ins and stand-up meetings.
Don’t cover for their actions or rescue them. Let them face the consequences of their inaction.
Remind them of the importance of meeting expectations—frame it in terms of their goals or reputation.
Engage in a 1-1 to explore why they appear disengaged—burnout, lack of clarity, personal issues?

For example:

Can you confirm that you’ll finish the presentation slides by Thursday 2 PM so we’re ready for review?

We’re waiting on your part before we can move forward — is there anything holding you up?

If you don’t hold up your commitments, your manager will not trust you on the next project.

I’ve noticed the weekly tasks have been delayed a few times. Is there something bothering you?

Don’t assume slackers are lazy, malicious or they simply don’t care. Being overwhelmed, underchallenged or unsure how their role fits into the big picture can keep them disengaged and discouraged. Helping them connect their work to a larger goal or showing how their contribution matters can reignite motivation and improve follow-through.

The Charmer

Charmers thrive on being liked. They’re naturally charismatic, personable, persuasive and often very socially intelligent. They use warmth, charisma and flattery to build quick rapport, diffuse tension and gain influence—-winning people over with compliments, humor and friendliness.

Charmers believe that likability can open doors that aren’t accessible otherwise—this makes them avoid conflict, sugarcoat feedback or leave problems unaddressed just to keep the peace. While not always deceptive, charmers may overpromise, sidestep difficult conversations and manipulate outcomes to maintain their likable image. Their principle is ‘win people over, be liked, build influence.”

That’s why you’re the boss!

You always have the best ideas—I don’t know how you do it.

Leave it with me, I’ll make it happen.

Okay, okay, too serious in here—who needs coffee?

Charmers are those who seduce by making their targets the center of attention. They don’t highlight their own selves, but rather their entire focus is on bringing comfort and pleasure to their targets. They avoid all sorts of conflict and appeal to a person’s vanity by making them talk about themselves. They watch and observe allowing their targets to open up completely. Once they know their weaknesses, they use that information to give them what they want.
— Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

To work with a charmer without getting blinded by their smooth talk:

Don’t let their charisma blur expectations or accountability. Get things down in writing.
Charmers often over promise or speak in vague terms. Ask for concrete details and commitments.
Acknowledge their people skills, but focus on results.
Stay alert to actions, not just words. Hold them accountable kindly but firmly.

For example:

Great, I’ll summarize what we discussed in an email so we both have a reference. Let me know if I missed anything.

I love the vision! What specific changes are you planning? And can we agree on a first milestone and deadline so we stay on track?

You definitely have a talent for building rapport. Did they confirm next steps or sign off on anything?

When can you realistically get it done, and how can I support you in making that happen?

Charmers are often skilled communicators, but their charm can mask manipulation, a lack of follow-through or superficiality. Don’t let their energy and optimism fool you—look for real substance behind that facade.

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The Perfectionist

Perfectionists have a long list of what constitutes wrong, but only one outcome meets the mark—their version. Exemplary performance, high standards and 100% perfect outcome just the way they expect. Things have to be their way or they are simply not “good enough.” They set excessively high standards for themselves and others and equate performance with self-worth. They have a hard time delegating—and even when they do hand off tasks—their inner critic is rarely content, often left feeling frustrated, angry and dissatisfied.

They have a strong tendency to classify everything as important, feel compelled to overdeliver and constantly push themselves beyond their limits.

They obsess over minute details and even after achieving something significant, they struggle to celebrate—it’s the flaws or what they could have done better that dominates their focus.

I just need a few more hours to polish this—it’s not quite there yet.

No offense, but I’d rather do it myself to make sure it’s done right.

I reworked the presentation slides again—just didn’t like how they flowed.

Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough—that we should try again.
— Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

To work with a perfectionist without getting pulled into their vortex:

Be transparent about timelines and priorities. Be clear that finishing on time matters more than flawless execution.
Agree upfront on what “good enough” looks like and remind them that any tweaking should serve the agreed upon goal, not derail progress.
Appreciate them for their eye for detail, but gently highlight how it can lead to delays. Encourage them to aim for quality without tipping into counterproductive territory.
Help them distinguish between striving for excellence and chasing perfectionism. Excellence is about utilizing yours and others’ potential to seek a great outcome. Perfectionism is about obsession to the point of being self-destructive.

For example:

Let’s finalize the draft by Wednesday—even if it’s not flawless, we can always iterate.

Let’s agree that our ‘good enough’ here is a clean, clear deck that tells a strong story and meets the deadline. Perfect formatting is great, but not if it keeps us from rehearsing or submitting on time.

I really admire how thorough you are—it definitely raises the quality of our work. That said, I’ve noticed we sometimes get stuck in the final tweaks. Maybe we can set a limit on how much time we spend refining so we keep things moving.

Sometimes aiming for excellence means knowing when to stop. Chasing perfection can burn us out or delay things. Let’s focus on making it great, not flawless.

A perfectionist’s drive for flawlessness can elevate standards, but it can also lead to bottlenecks, analysis paralysis, delays and burnout. Prevent them from undermining team confidence or slowing down progress by helping them see the benefits of becoming a satisficer—seeking good enough—as opposed to a maximizer—seeking the absolute best.

The Go-getter

Go-getters are highly driven, proactive and focused on achievement. They’re known for taking initiatives and making things happen—they focus on what matters, bounce back quickly from setbacks and don’t need hand-holding.

While they’re highly motivated and energizing to be around, they can also be overly aggressive or competitive. They may bulldoze others’ ideas, ignore quieter voices, rush into decisions and overlook details—they have a low tolerance for ambiguity or slowness because speed matters to them the most.

Their energy and a sense of urgency can bring sluggish projects back on track, but their intensity can also create friction and tension with slower-paced team members or those who value quality, process or are more detail-oriented.

If it’s possible, I’ll find a way.

I’d rather take a risk than sit on the sidelines.

We’re overthinking—let’s move.

I’ll take care of it.

If I can do it, I’ll do it better than it was ever done before, and if I can’t do that I’ll quit to save you the embarrassment of firing me.
— Peter B. Kyne, The Go-Getter

To work with a go-getter, stay effective, respectful and collaborative:

Be clear about roles, responsibilities and limits so they don’t run over others unintentionally.
Acknowledge their results, but remind them when quality, input or pacing matter more.
Go-getters appreciate directness and hate fluff—focus on decisions and next steps.
They respect strength more than passivity. Say “no” or “not yet” clearly when appropriate.
Put them on tasks that need energy, urgency and follow-through—pair them with team members who provide balance.

For example:

Feel free to lead the charge, but check in with me before committing the team to deadlines.

You’re right, we don’t want to stall. But some input here might actually help us avoid backtracking later.

I’ll keep this brief—we’ve hit a delay, but here’s the plan to recover.

I hear you—and I get why you want to move fast. I’m not comfortable approving this without seeing the data first.

This timeline is aggressive, but I know you thrive under pressure. Let me know how I can support your lead.

Go-getters shine when given space to lead, create traction or solve urgent problems, but don’t forget to set boundaries to ensure they’re lifting the whole team, not running ahead alone.

The Fixer

Fixers are quick to take initiative in a crisis—they’re problem focused and like to step in when something is broken or stuck. They’re strong problem solvers and critical thinkers who bring stability and structure to unclear situations, bridge gaps and restore order when things don’t go as expected.

They’re highly resourceful and dependable as they can bring clarity to messy situations, but they may also disempower others and promote dependency by completely taking over. They operate with a rescue mentality—things are not going to get fixed unless they jump in and save the day.

Let me take a look at that—it shouldn’t be too hard to fix.

I’ve seen this before. Leave it with me.

Why am I always the one cleaning up the mess?

It’s not my job, but someone’s got to do it.

A rescuer’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. It’s difficult for them to see their worth beyond what they have to offer in the way of “stuff” or “service.” They believe, “If you need me, you won’t leave me.” They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.
– Lynne Forrest

To work with a fixer without promoting their savior traits:

Fixers need room to solve problems. Give them autonomy, but set clear limits to avoid burnout or overreach.
Acknowledge and appreciate their help without feeding their savior complex.
Instead of dumping problems on them, look for ways to collaborate by seeking guidance and advice.
Utilize their problem solving skills by getting their input in other situations, not just crisis mode.
Encourage them to let go, delegate and trust others to do the job.

For example:

I trust you to own this part—just keep me in the loop if you need support or hit a wall.

Your ability to step in during the crunch was crucial. Let’s make sure the system is set up so it doesn’t keep falling on you.

I’m stuck here—can I get your input on how we could fix this together?

Your ideas during that issue were sharp—can we loop you in earlier for planning next time?

I know you can handle this, but is there a way we can share the load so you’re not always in rescue mode?

Fixers are the firefighters who aren’t afraid to step into a burning building—but don’t let them run towards the flames everytime because others in the team also need to learn to handle the heat.

The Optimist

An optimist will lift your spirits up when you’re feeling down by spinning a positive narrative of your situation or making you believe that change is possible and things can get better. They’re the bright light, the hope and the morale boosters who help you storm out from a negative spiral of rumination and overthinking by reframing setbacks as temporary and solvable.

But the uplifting energy they bring to any situation also comes with blind spots. Their positivity can be toxic when they overlook risks, dismiss valid concerns and push others to take on more than is realistic. Hope and possibility-thinking is inspiring only when it’s grounded in reality, not wishful thinking.

We’ve gotten through worse—we’ll get through this too.

If we focus on the good, the rest will follow.

It’s not the end—just a new beginning.

Every challenge is an opportunity in disguise.

An optimist is neither naive, nor blind to the facts, nor in denial of grim reality. An optimist believes in the optimal usage of all options available, no matter how limited. As such, an optimist always sees the big picture. How else to keep track of all that’s out there? An optimist is simply a proactive realist.
— Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

To work with an optimist without overriding realism:

Appreciate their positivity, but ground conversation in facts.
Balance their enthusiasm with practical follow-through.
Don’t shut down their optimism—channel it.
Be direct about issues without being cynical.
Help them slow down and reflect.

For example:

I love your energy on this. Let’s map out the real risks too so we’re fully prepared.

Great idea! Can we sketch out what this would look like week by week so we don’t lose steam?

I like how you see opportunity here. Let’s pair that vision with a plan B, just in case.

I’m optimistic too, but this part’s not working. Can we tackle it before it snowballs?

Before we charge ahead, how can we make sure we’ve thought through what could go wrong?

An optimist lights the way with hope and vision, but they need help to keep one foot on the ground so they can’t avoid tough realities.

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The Energizer

Energizers bring enthusiasm, positive energy and a spark that motivates, inspires and excites people around them to move and get things done. They radiate optimism, see possibilities and rally others around a shared goal by generating new ideas and constantly pushing boundaries.

While energizers can boost team spirit and help others feel more engaged, their high energy can also feel exhausting and may overshadow other voices. Their bright outlook and the tendency to rush ahead can make them blind to risks or ignore valid concerns raised by their team.

I’ll get it started—who’s with me?

Let’s make it happen—no excuses!

This is going to be great—I can feel it!

We’re going to crush this—let’s go!

You can do anything if you have enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is the yeast that makes your hope rise to the stars. Enthusiasm is the sparkle in your eye, it is the swing in your gait, the grip in your hand, the irresistible surge of your will and your energy to execute your ideas.
— Percy H. Whiting, The 5 Great Rules of Selling

To work with an energizer without being swept along in their excitement:

Embrace their enthusiasm by inviting them to contribute to ideas and strategies, but don’t forget to set boundaries.
Leverage their energy for morale boosting by inviting them to kick-off team meetings or lead brainstorming sessions.
Balance their high energy with practicality by pairing them with others who can ground their ideas in reality.
Encourage them to pause, listen and consider other perspectives. Use structured check-ins to allow quieter team members to share inputs without one voice dominating the room.

For example:

I love how energized you are about these new possibilities! Let’s capture all your ideas first, then we’ll sort out which ones are the most feasible and assign them to the team so we can stay on track.

Can you lead this meeting? Your energy can get everyone pumped and excited about the project.

Your vision is great. Can you work with John to plan out the implementation steps?

Let’s do a quick round where everyone shares one idea before we move forward.

Energizers bring in a contagious energy to the workplace that can enable others to rise above their perceived limitations, but letting them jump ahead too quickly without keeping their enthusiasm in check can quickly spiral into chaos and burnout.

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The Strategist

Strategists are big-picture thinkers who have a penchant for looking ahead, connecting the dots and envisioning long-term plans. They’re highly analytical and data-driven and don’t act till they have applied their due diligence in analyzing risks and surprises that might pop up along the way.

But some strategists can veer towards over-rationalizing, which makes them place an undue amount of importance to data and logic while dismissing intuition or emotional insights that are required to drive innovation and remain competitive in the market. They often need to be reminded that people—not just strategies—-drive successful outcomes. Balancing strategy with empathy is crucial to get people’s buy-in and make them feel invested in the plan.

Let’s take a step back and look at the bigger picture here.

Let’s identify potential roadblocks before we commit.

We need to evaluate the risks before moving forward.

How does this fit into our broader strategy?

Big-picture thinkers broaden their outlook by striving to learn from every experience. They don’t rest on their successes, they learn from them.
— John C. Maxwell, How Successful People Think

To work with a strategist without getting stuck in the overthinking loop:

Strategists love to shape direction. Show that you value their ability to map out a clear plan.
They thrive on information to make good plans. Give them clear updates grounded in facts and data.
They may sometimes overthink. Nudge them to act and move forward by suggesting small, low-risk tests or experiments.
They love discussions that sharpen their thinking. Engage with them in a constructive dialogue by sharing your ideas with clear logic and evidence.

For example:

I appreciate how you can see where this project could go long-term. Can you help lay out a roadmap?

Here’s the data we’ve got and why we think this is a good next step—what do you see as the biggest risk?

Why don’t we pilot this idea on a small scale? If it works, we can expand.

Your plan is solid. What if we tweak this part to make it even stronger? Here’s the data that shows this change will be highly beneficial.

Instead of missing opportunities for action by slipping into analysis-paralysis with the strategists, help them recognize when it’s time to pause and reflect and when it’s time to act decisively, even if there’s ambiguity and uncertainty involved.

The Silent Achiever

Silent achievers work behind the scenes without seeking spotlight or recognition. They keep their heads down and consistently deliver great results, letting their work speak for itself. They’re highly reliable and can be counted on to meet commitments, even under pressure, without making a fuss or drawing attention.

But focusing on doing rather than talking can sometimes mean their achievements go unnoticed. They can be overlooked for promotions or high visibility tasks because they treat self-promotion as boasting and never advocate for themselves. Their quiet approach can be misinterpreted as disinterest or lack of ambition—they’re passed over for key opportunities as others fail to recognize the true depth and impact of their contributions.

It’s not a big deal—I just did my part.

I prefer to stay in the background and let the results speak for themselves.

I’m not one to shout about what I’ve done.

I’d rather listen and learn first before I speak up.

Great achievers express their voice through the use of their intelligence. Achievers, for example, develop their mental energy into vision, their physical energy into discipline, their emotional energy into passion, and their spiritual energy into conscience—their inward moral sense of what is right and wrong and their drive toward meaning and contribution.
— Stephen R. Covey, The 8th Habit

To work with a silent achiever without making them feel uncomfortable:

Bring visibility to their work by acknowledging and appreciating their contributions because they may not shout about their success or the great things they achieved.
They tend to stay silent in large groups, even though they have valuable insights to share. Encourage them to speak up in a smaller or a more 1:1 setting.
Make speaking about achievements natural by asking them to present their work with the intent to help others learn and add value.

For example:

I noticed how thorough your report was. It really helped us move forward.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Can we discuss it separately if that’s more comfortable for you?

Could you walk us through this part of the project in a small team huddle tomorrow?

Silent achievers are often invisible, working tirelessly and diligently behind the scenes. Pay attention to their impact, not how much they speak.

Summary

Whiners emphasize problems rather than explore possibilities. They blame and complain about unfairness, workloads or other people to avoid taking responsibility.
Manipulators use subtle persuasion tactics—often twisting facts or exaggerating details—to fool you. They’re skilled at exploiting your emotions to get what they want.
People pleasers will go out of their way to make you happy because they seek approval and validation every step of the way. Their desire to be liked and accepted can lead to burnout and feelings of resentment in the long-run.
Naysayers are quick to reject ideas and point out flaws without offering solutions or support. Their negativity can kill enthusiasm to take risks and move forward boldly.
Know-it-alls like to dominate conversations by sharing their knowledge and expertise. They don’t like to be challenged because questioning them attacks their ego.
Slackers are great at dodging work and burdening others with extra tasks. They do the bare minimum and refuse to take accountability for not meeting expectations.
Charmers can light up a room with their warmth and aura. Their charisma can make you feel special even when they manipulate you with empty promises and statements that lack substance.
Perfectionists have extremely high standards and can often get stuck in endless refinements or critiques that can delay projects and slow down progress. They won’t let go and accept anything less than a perfect outcome.
Go-getters are highly action oriented and like to get things done. They’re often pulled in to get projects back on track, but their desire to move fast can make them overlook details or skip important steps.
Fixers dive in with confidence into crisis situations or messy problems. They like to solve tough problems, fixing things that are broken or rescuing others when they’re stuck. Their behavior can often promote dependency instead of empowerment.
An optimist’s sunny outlook can lift team spirits by showing possibilities where others see obstacles. They need to balance optimism with facts though, because ignoring reality can often be disastrous.
Energizers bring infectious enthusiasm that gets projects moving and teams engaged. Their energy if not channeled properly can make team members feel exhausted and burnt out.
Strategists are great at mapping out plans and providing clarity on how different pieces fit together. But they can also get stuck in analysis paralysis and fail to act when it’s needed the most.
Silent achievers contribute significantly while working behind the scenes because they’re not interested in self-promotion. But not putting in the effort to bring visibility to their work can mean their efforts go unrecognized.

Communication Phrases That Make You Sound Weak

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 12 Mar 2025 09:33:45 +0000

We have the habit of throwing around words recklessly often using phrases that make us sound less confident, unsure and weak.

The words we choose to communicate impacts how others perceive us—do they find us manipulative or genuine, rude or kind, aggressive or assertive and credible or untrustworthy?

How you come across to others makes a big difference in the outcomes you achieve:

People may not take your ideas seriously if they sense doubt and hesitation in your voice.

You may be passed up for opportunities if your words demonstrate you aren’t ready to take on more responsibilities.

Others may question your expertise when you invite unnecessary debate.

Even small changes in your phrasing can significantly impact how others respond to you.

Your communication style is habitual and the more you speak a certain way, the more automatic it becomes. These unintentional patterns that distort your messaging turn autopilot when you don’t pay attention to your words or how you come across to others.

Words matter. Words shape worldviews. Words provoke action and reaction, which in turn provoke more words. Getting the words right is critically important. Getting the action right is also critically important. And aligning the words and actions is even more important.
— Helio Fred Garcia, The Power of Communication

Avoid these language patterns that make you sound uncertain, passive and weak and replace it with stronger communication:

Uncertainty and doubt

When sharing an idea, stating your opinion or disagreeing with someone, using language that makes you sound unsure reduces credibility, making others dismiss, ignore and downplay your suggestions.

I think we should go with this plan.

Maybe this will work.

I feel like this might be a good idea.

I’m not sure, but I think this strategy might work.

Words like these reflect lack of confidence, not humility. How can others take you seriously or give weightage to your words when you yourself don’t seem to believe in them completely?

Project confidence in your ideas and opinions by explaining the rationale behind your thought process instead of doubt and hesitance with words like “think,” “feel,” and “maybe.”

Say this:

We should go with this plan because…

I recommend this approach because…

This is a strong idea because…

This strategy will work because…

He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word.
― Robert B. Cialdini, Pre-Suasion

When setting expectations, making a request or expressing your ideas in meetings, if you want to ensure your request is prioritized, acted on timely or your ideas come across as well-thought out, thereby increasing buy-in, be more convincing and compelling in the language you use.

Over-apologizing

Apologizing at work is necessary in certain situations. But what if instead of saying sorry when it’s needed, you say it way too often. Saying sorry may seem polite, but apologizing even when it’s not required can hurt your image and credibility—you may come across as defensive, submissive or someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

Saying sorry isn’t about being kind to others or not having an ego, both of which are important qualities to have at work, it stems from a place of insecurity or your desire to be liked and accepted by others. Also, acting as a victim or using words that put you down will not make others go easy on you. Rather, using self-deprecating language has quite the opposite effect.

Sorry to bother you, but…

I feel terrible asking you for this…

Sorry for not responding sooner…

My bad. I’m a fool for not seeing it sooner.

Forgive me please. I feel terrible for missing you in the invite.

Words like these create a perception that you’re imposing, insecure and overly deferential. Putting yourself in a bad light will not help you score brownie points or make others sympathize with you. Rather, it paints a picture that makes you look undeserving, incompetent and timid.

Say this:

Do you have a moment to discuss something?

I’d like to ask about…

I was busy earlier. But I am now free to discuss…

I learnt a very important lesson by not attending to the problem at the right time…

I acknowledge that I need to be more careful when sending invites…

Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism.’ It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success.
— Bobbe Sommer

If you want to get others time, attention, trust and respect, avoid weak communication by being assertive in your language without being rude.

Tentative and non-committal

People who are respected at work aren’t the ones who make commitments, but those who keep them. Using tentative language when making commitments shows a casual attitude without thoughtful consideration, causing inconvenience and annoyance to those who depend on them.

I’ll try to get that done.

Hopefully, we can finish on time.

I’ll try to make time for that, but I’m really busy.

Tentative phrasing in communication leaves room for overcommitment, making you seem unreliable, lacking authority or someone who can’t be trusted to lead important assignments at work.

Say this:

I will get that done.

We will finish on time.

I won’t be able to take this on right now, but I can revisit it next week.

There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.
— Art Turock

Demonstrating confidence and decisiveness in language requires being careful about the choices—it’s knowing that doing something always comes at the cost of not doing something else. Carefully evaluate your priorities and then communicate them in a way that leaves no room for confusion, expectation mismatch or misunderstandings.

Minimizing language

Using minimizing language that downplays the significance, impact and importance of your words can make you less confrontational, avoid criticism and save you from appearing arrogant. But, it isn’t harmless—using qualifiers, softeners and disclaimers can make your contributions seem less valuable and credible.

This is just a small idea, but…

I only have a quick suggestion…

This is probably not important, but…

This is kind of silly, but…

Words like just, only, sort of and kind of, make it hard for others to take your questions or suggestions seriously or give them the respect they deserve. Your ideas that could have made a tremendous impact in the decision-making process are dismissed, rejected and ignored.

Say this:

I have an idea that could help.

Here’s a suggestion to consider.

This is important because…

I believe that…

True assertiveness isn’t about speaking the loudest—it’s about standing firmly in your truth, even when the world whispers doubt. Navigate your life with nerve, and you’ll never be overlooked again.
― Linton J. Khor, Navigating with Nerve

Instead of minimizing language that weakens your message by giving it less importance, amplify your message and increase its significance using decisive and authoritative wording.

Seeking approval and validation

Asking others for their inputs or their opinion isn’t wrong, it turns into a problem when you do it to gain approval, seek permission or don’t believe your ideas are valid without others’ reassurance.

Does that make sense?

I don’t know, what do you think?

Would you be okay with me leading this project?

Constantly seeking approval to avoid conflict or asking for confirmation to lower the risk of being wrong makes you come across as someone who isn’t sure about what they’re saying or someone whose ideas aren’t well thought out. Lacking conviction in your own decision makes you untrustworthy―a person who’s easily swayed by others’ opinions can’t be trusted to lead projects or drive change.

Say this:

Let me know if you have any questions.

This is the best approach based on my research.

I will take the lead on this project.

Strong people have a strong sense of self-worth and self-awareness; they don’t need the approval of others.
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

People who are respected at work take initiative without constantly checking for permission, second-guessing themselves or expressing doubt in the direction to take. Be decisive, stand confident in your own worth and show your expertise to gain trust, credibility and influence conversations.

Summary

Words play a big role in your success at work. They determine not only how you’re perceived, but also how others respond to it. While weak phrasing can hurt your reputation and damage your credibility, strong language can showcase your leadership abilities and put you across as someone who can be trusted with higher level responsibilities.
When sharing an opinion or an idea, doubt and hesitance can make it less credible, giving others a reason to ignore, reject or sideline your suggestions. If you want to be heard, speak with confidence—make it convincing and compelling leaving no room for doubt to creep in.
When asking for help, looking for advice or acknowledging your mistakes, using the ‘sorry’ word way too often or putting yourself down using self-deprecating language does not make others sympathize with you. Rather, others see you as imposing, incompetent and undeserving. Don’t put yourself down to get others time, attention and respect. Be assertive, not timid when you communicate.
Making commitments casually essentially tells others that you aren’t reliable and can’t be trusted to deliver the results you said you will do. Not only does it make you come across as undependable, noncommittal phrases challenge your authority and make others doubt everything you say and do. When making promises, carefully evaluate your options and communicate them with confidence, decisiveness and a sense of responsibility.
Downplaying the significance and importance of your message can save you from criticism and coming across as opinionated or overbearing, but it also minimizes your inputs, making them appear less valuable and deserving. Use language that amplifies your message, increases its significance and gets the attention of the people who need to hear them without being rude.
Constantly seeking approval, permission and assurance from others portrays you as someone who lacks courage and conviction. A person who overly relies on others to move forward can’t be trusted to lead projects or drive change. Take initiative, be decisive and stop second-guessing yourself. Communicate with a high sense of self-worth and belief in your knowledge and experience.

10 Practices to Master the Art of Active Listening

Vinita Bansal — Wed, 11 Dec 2024 05:21:28 +0000

How many times have you been told?

You are not listening to me.

Will you let me finish?

That’s not what I meant!

You may find it hard to listen because as soon as someone starts talking, instead of paying attention to their words, your mind gets activated and already starts constructing the response.

What do I agree with?

What I don’t like?

What would I say?

You may talk to prove you are smart, knowledgeable, experienced and worthy of other’s time and respect. You may share your opinion, tell your stories and dole out advice. You may try to get attention by raising your voice, repeating what you want others to hear or saying things in a manner that’s likely to get their attention by being sarcastic or strongly opinionated.

Speaking instead of listening discourages the other person from opening up, sharing and saying what they needed to say. It makes them feel ignored and misunderstood. Fault finding or rushing in with an opinion can also make them shut down and prevent them from sharing authentically.

Think about this: How do you feel when you’re not being heard—frustrated, annoyed and angry at the other person? Do you feel like they don’t really know you or they don’t really get who you are? This is exactly how others feel when you don’t listen.

Listening poorly limits your understanding of others which deprives you from bonding, building trust, learning, growing and most important of all, evolving as a human being.

There’s a cost to not listening—stress in the workplace, poor relationships, misunderstandings, errors, missed opportunities, arguments, stalled projects, avoidable conflicts, and wasted time.

How you listen and respond to others has a significant impact on the quality of your relationships—be it workplace, family or friends.

Nothing hurts more than the sense that the people we care about aren’t really listening. We never outgrow the need to have our feelings known.
― Michael P. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening

Use these 10 practices to master the art of active listening:

Bring goals into focus

Goals provide direction, motivation, and a clear framework for achieving desired outcomes. Even with impromptu conversations, thinking briefly about your goal for the conversation helps in getting into the right frame of mind and constructing a more thoughtful response. It prevents you from saying the first thing that comes to mind, jumping to conclusions or ignoring others emotions and perspectives.

When you approach conversations without a clear goal in mind, you’re much more likely to overreact or say and do things that leave the other person feeling unheard, insignificant or dismissed. Discussions become unfocused and meandering, taking longer to reach conclusions or decisions. Misunderstandings and lack of clarity can lead to disagreements and conflicts.

Listening with clear goals in mind enhances your ability to engage deeply, understand thoroughly and respond effectively in conversations. It leads to more structured and purposeful conversations, reducing distraction, improving comprehension, and enhancing mutual understanding.

But it’s important to distinguish between positive and negative motivation to ensure your listening habits are constructive. A negative motivation may be to prove you are right, others are wrong, change their mind, make them look foolish, poke holes in their argument or boost your ego. Positive motivation includes the desire to make a decision, resolve a conflict, build a stronger relationship or offer emotional or practical support.

For example:

Scenario: Meeting with the team about the upcoming deadline.
Purpose: To understand the current status of tasks and identify any potential roadblocks.
Positive listening goals:

Understand the progress each team member has made on their tasks.
Identify any challenges or issues the team is facing.
Clarify the next steps and deadlines for the project.

Scenario: Meeting with the manager to discuss performance review.
Purpose: To understand strengths and areas for improvement.
Positive listening goals:

Understand the specific feedback on your performance.
Identify actionable steps to improve in areas highlighted by your manager.
Clarify any uncertainties or questions you have about the feedback.

Listening is a way of offering others our scarcest, most precious gift: our attention. Once we’ve demonstrated that we care about them and their goals, they’re more willing to listen to us.
― Adam M. Grant, Think Again

Clear the clutter

We are often stuck in our own heads with thoughts, ideas, and concerns that keep us preoccupied during conversations, preventing us from paying attention to the person right in front of us.

Fantasizing about an upcoming vacation.

Worrying about a deadline tomorrow.

Analyzing a decision over and over again.

Our brain is naturally inclined to think about unresolved issues, future plans, or past events, leading to habitual mind wandering. Our worries and anxieties also distract the mind, making it difficult to focus on the present moment.

Being present goes beyond being physically available—you need to be out there tuned into the conversation mentally and emotionally.

To stay present and listen actively to another person, you need to quieten the internal monologue. Getting out of your head and back to the present is the key.

To do this:

Remind yourself of the importance of staying focused and engaged to truly understand and connect with the other person’s perspective.
Look outside of yourself and your own needs. Set aside whatever is on your mind long enough to concentrate on what the other person has to say.
Get things out of your head onto a paper. Writing things down will free up your mind to focus and concentrate on the words and emotions of another person.
When an unwanted thought pops up, acknowledge it and promise yourself to get to it later.
Schedule a specific time slot for mind wandering and daydreaming. By giving yourself a specific time for mind wandering, you’ll find it easier to focus your attention during other times.
Put away your phone, laptop and other such sources of distraction.
Incorporate regular exercise into your routine. Engaging in physical activity boosts cognitive function and helps manage stress, which can reduce mind wandering.
Schedule short breaks to rest your mind and prevent fatigue. It will keep your mind fresh and focused by providing structured work and rest periods.
Take slow, deep breaths and deliberately loosen any muscles you’ve been tensing unintentionally.
Notice as your mind drifts away from the conversation and consciously bring it back to the present moment and to the person in front of you.

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None of us are good listeners all the time. It’s human nature to get distracted by what’s going on in your own head. Listening takes effort.
― Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening

Decode unspoken signals

Research shows that words, body language, and tone of voice account for 7%, 55%, and 38% of effective communication, respectively.

When we only pay attention to someone’s words and ignore their true intent—what do they mean, what are they trying to express, what hasn’t been said—we miss out on a large part of communication that ultimately turns into a source of confusion, misalignment of expectations and misunderstandings.

Good listening involves picking up the subtle signals that you would otherwise miss. It involves reading between the lines and paying attention to the way something is said or the context in which those words are spoken.

Like an iceberg, where only a small portion is visible above water while the majority remains hidden beneath, in communication, the visible part (words) represents only a small fraction of the full message. Below the surface lies a vast array of unspoken elements, such as emotions, beliefs, values, and cultural norms, which significantly influence the interaction.

People’s words are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what they want to communicate. To get to their hidden agendas, you need to dig beneath the words and get to the meaning behind them. Going beyond the tip of the iceberg gives insights into their true feelings and thoughts.

Listen not just to words, but underlying needs, moods, feelings and emotions.
Watch for their posture, hand gestures, and facial expressions—rolling eyes, raising eyebrows, feet tapping, arms crossed, frowning.
Pay attention to their pauses and tone of voice to interpret what’s being said or left unsaid.
Pick up hidden meanings and nuances in tone.

Consider the deeper, often hidden elements that influence interactions.

What’s going on in their mind?

What’s hidden behind those words?

Do they look nervous, frustrated, annoyed?

Does their tone match what they’re saying in words?

What unspoken signals can you gather from the conversation?

What’s their intent?

For example:

Scenario: Manager meeting stakeholders about a project deadline.

Above the surface:

Words: We need to extend the project deadline by two weeks.
Body language: Frowning with a tense posture.
Tone of voice: Tone is firm and slightly anxious.

Below the surface:

Beliefs: Team is overworked and needs more time to produce quality work.
Values: Values high-quality outcomes over speed.
Emotions: Feels stressed and concerned about the team’s well-being.
Cultural norms: In their cultural context, it’s important to prioritize team health and work-life balance.
Experiences: Past experiences with rushed projects have resulted in poor outcomes.
Intentions: Ensure project’s success without compromising on team’s morale and well-being.

Stakeholders response when only paying attention to their words: Interpret it as a sign of poor planning and blame the manager for not meeting their commitment.

Stakeholders response after digging deeper: Understand that delivering high quality work requires additional time. Unforeseen challenges and other difficulties can sometimes get in the way. Discuss how to minimize the impact of pushing the delivery timeline.

Uncover Hidden Meanings

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Listening is not the act of hearing the words spoken, it’s the art of understanding the meaning behind those words.
— Simon Sinek

Empower your presence

When listening to others, your body language plays a critical role. It can convey emotions, intentions, and attitudes without words. Non-verbal cues like smiles, frowns, or slumped shoulders communicate emotions such as joy, frustration, or sadness more clearly than words alone. How you carry yourself, including posture and gestures, can indicate whether you feel confident or uncertain, influencing how others perceive you.

While positive body language enhances communication by signaling attentiveness, empathy and engagement, negative body language can convey disinterest or judgment creating barriers, misunderstandings, and emotional distance.

Negative body language includes crossed arms, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting or checking phone, impatient gestures, lack of facial expressions, closed posture and negative reactions like rolling eyes or sighing. Positive body language requires maintaining eye contact, gestures like nodding, open hand movements, or subtle head tilts to show that you are following along and interested. Using a warm, supportive tone that matches others emotional state and content of their message can also reinforce engagement and empathy, making the interaction more positive.

Example of negative body language:

Scenario: Team member sharing constructive criticism.
Body language: Crossed arms and checking phone during the conversation.
Impact: Team member feels dismissed and unimportant, leading to frustration and reluctance to share feedback in the future.

Example of positive body language:

Scenario: Team member sharing constructive criticism.
Body language: Maintaining eye contact, nodding in agreement, and leaning slightly forward.
Impact: Team member feels heard and valued, leading to a constructive and open feedback session.

When our body language is confident and open, other people respond in kind, unconsciously reinforcing not only their perception of us but also our perception of ourselves.
― Amy Cuddy, Presence

Empty the bucket

We habitually interrupt others when they are talking without realizing its negative impact on them. Frequent interruptions can damage trust and rapport as others feel dismissed, invalidated, or undervalued. It can also break the natural flow of conversation, making it difficult for them to express their ideas and thoughts clearly.

There can be many reasons for preemptively finishing others sentences or cutting them off:

You want your opinions to be heard and valued and fear that your ideas will be overlooked or ignored if you don’t speak sooner.
You assume that you already know what the other person is going to say.
A competitive mindset can drive you to dominate conversations, seeing interruptions as a way to win or assert superiority.
You want to draw attention to yourself, seek validation or recognition from others.
When the person speaking is slow or long-winded, you may do it out of impatience or frustration.
A strong urge to clarify, correct, or add to what they’re saying.
Working in high-pressure environments where quick decision-making is necessary can condition you to interrupt to expedite communication.

For example:

Scenario: Amelia is presenting ideas for a new project during a team meeting. Before she could finish, Charles interrupts her with a different approach.
Impact: Amelia feels disrespected as the flow of her thoughts is disrupted.

Scenario: While Jane is sharing an update on her tasks during a virtual team meeting, her manager, Tom, interrupts her with questions without letting her finish her update.
Impact: Jane becomes flustered and loses her train of thought.

To have a constructive dialogue, allow others to empty their bucket―let them speak everything on their mind. Allowing them to express their thoughts and feelings fully signals that their opinions and contributions are valued. It can provide emotional relief and validation that can foster trust, strengthen relationships and encourage collaborative problem-solving.

What if they go on and on? What should you do then?

Active listening is targeted, focused and time bound. It’s not allowing others to speak endlessly while waiting for your turn.

If someone goes on and on without giving you and others a chance to speak, it can be challenging to manage the conversation. Lean forward slightly, make eye contact, or raise your hand gently to signal that you’d like to interject without being disruptive.

To handle such situations respectfully and effectively, say:

I value your input, but we need to make sure everyone has a chance to speak. Can we try to keep our comments brief so we can hear from everyone?

You’ve made some great points, and I want to ensure we cover other perspectives as well. Let’s hear from [xyz].

I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’d like to add something here before we move on.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. To summarize, you believe that… Is it ok if I share my thoughts on it?

I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I notice that our time is running short. I’d like to add that ….

It is unimpressive to interrupt another person while they are talking. Interrupting someone in mid-sentence demonstrates that your focus is on yourself, not the person talking.
― Susan C. Young, The Art of Action

Let curiosity take the wheel

Our brain, which is a meaning-making machine, likes to make sense of things. This makes it jump to conclusions based on our prior experiences, expectations and beliefs.

These mental shortcuts about others or what they want prevents us from truly understanding them―we draw conclusions and stick to them as our mind filters information by accepting everything that matches our conclusions and rejecting anything that contradicts it.

We stop listening the moment we let our judgments and opinions overpower our sense of curiosity. We get so bogged down by the story in our mind that we refuse to see anything beyond it. But our conclusions about others are faulty most of the time and drawing them preemptively can prevent us from fully understanding others or hearing them out.

Signs that indicate you are judging others:

Displaying closed-off or disapproving body language, such as crossed arms, eye-rolling, or frowning.
Using sweeping statements like “You always…” or “You never…” which indicate a preconceived notion about their behavior.
Offering unsolicited advice or criticism before fully understanding the context or issue.
Attaching labels based on their actions, such as calling them lazy or incompetent without deeper understanding.
Using a condescending or sarcastic tone when responding to them, indicating disapproval or judgment.
Becoming defensive or argumentative when they challenge your views, indicating that you are more focused on defending your opinion than understanding theirs.
Showing signs of impatience when they are talking, such as sighing, looking at the clock, or appearing restless.
Outrightly rejecting their ideas without proper evaluation.
Avoiding engaging with them due to preconceived notions about their abilities or character.

For example:

You always make the wrong decisions.

I expected more from someone like you.

That’s not how a responsible person would act.

You really don’t have any common sense, do you?

That’s just a ridiculous way to handle things.

I would never do something as careless as that.

Lead with a high degree of self-awareness when it comes to identifying triggering words or other things like your fears, desires or dreams that hijack your ability to listen well and make you jump to conclusions. Restrain yourself from disagreeing, giving advice or being fixated on a certain opinion.

To stop judging and listen actively, ask yourself these questions:

What biases, life circumstances, background or upbringing can make someone display those emotions or say such things?
What could be their underlying motivations or purpose in what they’re saying?
What emotions might they be feeling that’s causing them to think and act this way?
Under what circumstances might you display similar emotions or behave in the same way?

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Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a profound tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.
― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

Seek to understand

The biggest mistake we make in conversations is trying hard to make ourselves understood without understanding others first. Conversations get messy when we don’t put an effort to grasp other’s point of view, validate their feelings and recognize their perspective. People are more likely to share openly and honestly when they feel heard and understood. Understanding the full context and underlying issues also allows for more effective problem-solving and decision-making. It gets you on the same page as them and move forward constructively.

Seek to understand by using these approaches:

Paraphrasing

Restate what they said in your own words to show you’ve understood. It clarifies their message and confirms your comprehension.

What I’m hearing is…

In other words, you’re saying…

If I understand correctly, you mean…

Clarifying

Ask for confirmation or elaboration to ensure you grasp their point. It helps avoid misunderstandings and provides deeper insight into their perspective.

Just to make sure I’m clear, you’re saying…

Let me see if I’ve got this right. You believe…

Can I check my understanding? You’re suggesting that…

Reflecting

Mirror their emotions or thoughts to validate their feelings. It shows empathy and helps them feel heard and understood.

It sounds like you’re feeling…

You seem to be saying…

It appears that you think…

Confirming

Check with them to make sure your understanding is accurate. It prevents assumptions and ensures you’re both on the same page.

Is that correct?

Do I have that right?

Am I understanding you correctly?

Summarizing

Condense the main points of the conversation to capture the essence. It reinforces understanding and helps focus on key issues.

To summarize, you’re concerned about…

In summary, you’re looking for…

So, the main points are…

Echoing

Repeat key phrases or points. It emphasizes important aspects of their message and shows active listening.

You mentioned that…

You pointed out that…

You said that…

Encouraging

Invite them to share more details or expand on their thoughts. It shows genuine interest and encourages deeper conversation.

Tell me more about…

I’d like to hear more about…

Can you explain further about…

To try to understand the experience of another it is necessary to dismantle the world as seen from one’s own place within it, and to reassemble it as seen from his.
― John Berger, A Seventh Man

Unleash the power of silence

Pauses and empty spaces in conversations are uncomfortable and awkward. Silence gives us the sense that something is wrong, which puts an inherent pressure on us to respond. In order to keep the conversation flowing, as soon as someone pauses, we speak up. We say things even when we have nothing meaningful to add because speaking up alleviates discomfort and gives us the illusion that our contribution eased out the conversation and kept it going.

In reality though,

Filling silence with words makes conversations feel rushed and stressful.
It takes away the opportunity for reflection and contemplation, which is crucial for thoughtful and insightful responses.
Constant talking can also overwhelm others, leaving them with little space to contribute their thoughts and feelings.

When a pause occurs, consciously resist the urge to fill it with words. Notice your discomfort with silence and acknowledge it without judgment. Remind yourself that silence is a natural part of conversations and can provide space for deeper thought.

Tell yourself this when you feel the urge to speak:

I trust the natural flow of the conversation.

Listening is my priority.

It’s okay to take my time.

This moment of quiet is valuable.

Silence can make the conversation richer.

I allow space for the other person to speak.

Silence gives time to reflect on what’s been said, allowing for more thoughtful and considered responses. Quiet moments can help generate new ideas and solutions, as they allow space for creative thinking and brainstorming. Knowing they won’t be immediately interrupted gives others the opportunity to contribute more to the conversation and express their emotions freely.

If you really seek to understand, without hypocrisy and without guile, there will be times when you will be literally stunned with the pure knowledge and understanding that will flow to you from another human being. It isn’t even always necessary to talk in order to empathize. In fact, sometimes words may just get in your way.
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Embrace the sponge mentality

We have a strong tendency to fix other people―we jump in to give advice, offer solutions, point out flaws and may even downplay or invalidate their emotions, suggesting that they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Telling people what to do or how to feel makes them defensive. Reassuring someone that all will be ok minimizes their concerns and dismisses their feelings.

Most of the time, others aren’t looking for solutions when they tell you something or share a concern. They just want to be heard. Instead of providing solutions, ask questions. Inquiry in the form of questions shows that you’re interested in them, their work and their life. They may share a lot of information (some related and a lot unrelated)—your job is to identify the most important parts and help them focus on it.

Asking questions encourages elaboration making the person talking reflect on their own thoughts and identify what truly matters to them. It gives them the space to process their emotions and find their own solutions.

Good questions leave them thinking:

They get it.

This is exactly what I meant.

Someone who understands me.

To truly get others to open up, ask specific and directed questions. Vague and general questions are hard to answer and often don’t come across as curious and inviting. Questions like “What’s new?,” “How are you?,” “What’s up?” are small-talk and tell people that you aren’t really interested in them.

Use open-ended questions to gain more insights into their thoughts and feelings—don’t ask questions with the intent to fix, correct or save them. Closed-ended questions tend to be opinionated and usually directed towards your own experience, beliefs and expectations.

Open-ended questions

Encourages detailed responses by inviting others to share their thoughts and feelings.
Promotes discussion by seeking insights into others perspectives.
Often begin with: How, What, Why, Describe, Explain.

For example:

What are the potential impacts of this decision?

How do you envision the future of this project?

What challenges did you encounter during the implementation?

Closed-ended questions

Elicit short, definitive responses such as yes or no.
Limits discussion by seeking specific responses.
Often begin with: Did, Are, Have, Do, Can.

For example:

Did you attend the meeting yesterday?

Did the project meet its deadline?

Can you complete the task by the end of the day?

A good listener is not only one who processes the spoken word and the meaning behind the words accurately, but one who makes the speaker feel valued by encouraging him to expand on his ideas and feelings. A good listener touches the lives of those to whom he listens.
― Rebecca Z. Shafir, The Zen of Listening

Put the spotlight on them

In a conversation, instead of putting the spotlight on the other person, most of the time our attention and focus is on us. We respond by sharing our own personal stories and experience, thinking it will help us connect better, but speaking about our experiences steers the focus away from them.

Shifting the focus to yourself makes others feel ignored, misunderstood and unappreciated. They feel excluded or undervalued, leading to a sense of disconnection. It also makes you come across as self-centered, egotistical and uninterested in them.

We respond to others in 2 ways:

Shift response
Support response

Shift response (attention seeking)

Directs attention away from the person speaking towards you by sharing your experiences or opinions.

For example:

That reminds me of the time …

It happened to me too …

You know this one time …

Another kind of a shift response is one where you don’t share your experience, but invalidate how someone is feeling by saying things with the intent to make them feel better. Such responses minimize how they feel and convey to them that you don’t take their concerns seriously.

Don’t worry about it.

Everything is going to be ok.

Don’t be silly. It’s not that bad.

I know you’ll soon change your mind.

Support response (attention giving)

Encourages elaboration to gain deeper understanding of their concerns, troubles, needs and experiences by keeping the spotlight on them. It acknowledges and validates their feelings, reinforces their perspective and shows empathy or encouragement.

For example:

Really, what did you do?

That’s great! How did you find out about it?

Uh…huh. When do you plan to change it?

I can sense that you’re worried. What’s your biggest concern?

Such feelings are normal. Tell me more about what you’re feeling.

This is a lot for anyone. How are you dealing with it?

Don’t draw attention to yourself by cutting in and sharing your own story and experience. Maintain attention to others and their topic. Shining the spotlight on others can create a more positive and meaningful conversational experience with stronger relationships and a sense of trust and connection.

Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.
― Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence

Summary

Listening well makes it possible to align on shared goals, explore different possibilities and make unbiased decisions. It gives us a perspective that’s otherwise hard to get because of our own thoughts, beliefs, experiences and expectations.
Conversations with clear goals in mind gives a sense of purpose and structure which makes it more likely to engage, understand and respond to others in effective ways. Knowing what we and others want creates the possibility of a constructive dialogue by keeping you focused, undistracted and interested in seeking alignment.
Most of the time, we may be present physically, but are mentally checked out. Being distracted by ideas and thoughts makes it hard to understand others’ opinions and appreciate different perspectives. To listen well, you have to consciously set aside whatever is on your mind and pay attention to the person right in front of you.
Words convey only part of the story. Someone’s true intent or what they believe is often hidden and invisible to us. Decisions or conversations without uncovering these hidden emotions, beliefs, and unmet needs miss essential critical elements leaving otters feeling unheard and misunderstood. To listen well, dig deeper and go beyond words.
Your body language—tone of voice, gestures and facial expressions speak louder than your words. Positive body language can encourage others to speak and share openly while negative body language can shut them down. To listen well, ensure your body language is curious, respectful and kind.
Interrupting others is a common habit that leaves others feeling unheard, undervalued and dismissed. Frequent interruptions can also be frustrating, making others hate you and damage the relationship. You can’t listen well if you aren’t willing to hold off your tongue and give others a chance to complete.
We like to create stories in our mind that fit our preconceived ideas, beliefs and perceptions. This makes us strongly opinionated, pass judgments, and jump to conclusions. These stories are not only faulty most of the time, they also prevent us from connecting and listening to others. Good listening involves putting your opinions and judgments aside to create space for curiosity and thoughtfulness.
When we enter conversations with the intent to make ourselves understood, we lose the opportunity to understand others. Trying hard to ensure others get our perspective does not make them receptive to our ideas. It only makes them push back harder on their own thoughts and beliefs. Start with understanding others first. Hear them out. They may reciprocate and respond in kind.
Silence is uncomfortable. Most of us fill it with words with the worry that staying quiet will make the conversation less effective. Quite the opposite. Silence gives us and others a chance to think and construct a more thoughtful response. It creates an opportunity to be creative, reflective and deliberative, making conversations more meaningful and likely lead to a better outcome.
We think giving advice to others or solving their problems is our responsibility when someone shares their feelings, concerns or worries. But telling others what to do doesn’t work most of the time. Asking good questions on the other hand makes them connect with their feelings, identify what matters to them and work out a solution that makes most sense to them. Stop trying to fix others or rescue them. Empower them to think like a creator, not a victim.
We think that sharing our own personal stories when someone shares their experience will help us connect better. But, it shifts the focus of the conversation from you to them. Seeking attention instead of giving it makes them feel ignored, misunderstood and unappreciated. Good listening involves putting the spotlight on the other person by staying on topic and giving your complete attention to them.

How to Handle an Aggressive Manager

Vinita Bansal — Mon, 16 Sep 2024 11:39:22 +0000

Aggressive managers aren’t easy. Working with them may leave you feeling overwhelmed, fill you with self-doubt and lower your self-worth.

It is like running on a treadmill that just never stops.

Bigger, better goals.

More responsibilities.

Higher expectations.

Just when you’re about to heave a sigh of relief, a new challenge is thrown your way. You dread coming to the office with the worry of what awaits you and how you’re barely going to make it through the day.

Playing along with an aggressive manager by giving in to their demands not only wreaks havoc on your confidence, it makes you hate work you loved at first.

The aggressive person fights. The passive one runs away. But the assertive person stands ground, assesses the situation, adapts, and acts with purpose and passion. Be that person.
— Charles F Glassman

While aggressive managers are difficult, they aren’t impossible to work with. With the right strategies, you can turn them around while also learning valuable lessons along the way.

Don’t mistake aggressiveness for toxicity

An aggressive manager is not bad news because they can help accelerate your career by enabling you to build skills that will serve you well throughout your career.

They can teach you to handle high pressure situations well, stay resilient in the face of challenges and turn obstacles into opportunities.

But it’s important to differentiate between a manager who cares about your growth from the one who only thinks of themselves.

Do they challenge you, expect you to push boundaries and strive for excellence or do they display toxic behaviors such as shouting, manipulation, bullying, exploiting boundaries and other such harmful behaviors that are detrimental to your mental health and personal well-being?

Aggression can sometimes be mistaken for toxicity especially if your manager’s expectations challenge you to step outside your comfort zone.

Even if they mean well, their drive, determination and passion can be daunting at times.

Managers who challenge you and push you to strive for excellence are hard to find. So, stop blaming, complaining and sobbing, and find ways to align with them on mutually agreeable goals.

To do this, start with understanding what motivates them to be this way by digging deeper and taking note of their non-verbal cues (tone, voice, hand gestures, facial expressions):

Is it their need to be in control?
Do they tend to prioritize results over relationships?
Do they usually come off as assertive, direct, and quick to make decisions?
Do they tend to overrule others’ opinions because they want things done their way?
Do they operate with a sense of urgency and expect efficiency in every interaction?

Understanding the source of your manager’s aggression or specific behaviors they demonstrate can enable you to find ways to work with them instead of wasting time in resenting them or feeling sorry for yourself.

Stay in control

Working with an aggressive manager can leave you feeling helpless, hopeless and out of control.

Lack of control can make you adopt a self-defeating goal. You may:

Respond to their aggression with aggression.
Wallow in self-pity by feeling sorry for your situation without doing anything to improve your situation.
Refuse to put in the effort with the mindset that it won’t be good enough.
Give up when you hit a roadblock or are challenged to face unexpected situations.

Desire to have more control at work while not taking the steps to regain that control can be one of the biggest hidden causes of burnout at work.

Lack of control creates a cycle of avoidance, helplessness and discomfort which leads to further inaction and a self-fulfilling prophecy in your own beliefs.

To feel in control, shift from circle of concern to circle of influence.

Circle of concern includes things that you are concerned about but have no control over. Spending time and energy here can lead to feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and increased feelings of victimization.

Circle of control includes things that you have direct control over and things that you may not completely control, but can influence in significant ways. Spending time and energy here can improve mental health, build resilience and promote overall well-being.

For example, you cannot control what your manager says or does, but you can control how you react to them.

Circle of Control Workbook

Let go of negativity and rumination by embracing things within your control.

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Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to increase.

Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink.

— Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Become proactive. Never stop believing in your ability to influence the outcome. Let go of things outside your control, shift your energy to things you can change or influence.

Choose words carefully

While speaking to an aggressive manager, the words you choose play a crucial role in determining whether your manager listens to you or disregards your concerns.

Using confrontational language or defensive arguments can trigger negative feelings which can intensify their aggression and make them turn against you.

Also, saying things in a manner that challenges their authority or comes across as rude and disrespectful makes them much more likely to stick to their original argument even when they know you’re right and they’re wrong.

Be mindful of your language to avoid escalating tension. Don’t:

Use generalizing words like “always” and “never.” They are likely to cause more conflict.
Use words that challenge their character like bad, demanding, rude.
Pass judgment with words like mistake, failure, unacceptable.
Accuse or blame them with things like “You’re wrong” or “It’s your fault.”
Use a sarcastic or a confrontational tone.
Pass statements that undermine their authority.
Use emotionally charged language like ridiculous, absurd, pathetic, useless.

Any attempt to attack, defend, or withdraw will work against you. Instead, you must restrain these reactive tendencies, find the courage to stand your ground, and then step forward in the face of this determined opposition.
— Rick Brinkman, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand

Use calm, neutral language. Show up with a confident tone of voice and positive body language. Speak in an unhurried way. Slowly and clearly state your concerns, opinions or whatever it is you need to say.

Instead of: It’s impossible to do in this timeframe.
Say: I have concerns about the suggested timelines to finish this project. While I understand the need to move fast, the reason we shouldn’t commit to them is because …

Instead of: It will never work.
Say: I understand why you are leaning towards this option. It’s definitely highly beneficial to business. However, we also need to assess the risk and impact on business if it doesn’t work. Here’s why I think implementing this might be a challenge…

When you come across as calm and confident to others, they respond in kind. It also ensures that your message is well received and not ignored as soon as it comes out of your mouth.

Seek their advice

Most aggressive managers lead with a strong opinion, which means they not only have a high regard for their ideas, but also appreciate those who seek them.

When disagreeing with an aggressive manager or sharing your concerns, instead of ending with your thoughts, seek their opinion.

Asking for their advice shifts their frame of mind from problem to solution. When put on the spot to answer a difficult question or make a difficult decision, they are more likely to be rational, less biased and may even agree with your opinion.

You don’t have to please them in order to be liked or to get something from them. Be genuine when asking for advice because they can make out when you’re authentic and when you’re manipulating them to have it your way.

Being nice is blocking you from standing up for yourself, being honest with others, creating deeper relationships, or boldly expressing yourself in the world.
— Aziz Gazipura, Not Nice

Frame your concerns or questions in a way that invites them to share their ideas without getting defensive.

What’s your perspective on…?

How would you deal with…?

What would you do in this situation…?

What’s your suggestion?

Getting your manager’s advice is a great way to redirect their thoughts in the direction you want. Even thinking momentarily about your question makes it more likely for them to lean towards your suggestions or the outcomes you want.

Communicate your boundaries

Aggressive managers enjoy boundaryless freedom because it enables them to manipulate your time and energy in ways that suit them.

Your personal boundaries involve setting limits and defining expectations on what you will and will not tolerate.

Unspoken boundaries are often invisible—easy to violate as they’re based on each person’s own life experience. If your manager is aggressive, not setting boundaries is a recipe for disaster.

Clearly laying out these boundaries is important because your manager can’t give you what you need unless you take the initiative and clearly communicate your priorities and expectations.

To do this, communicate your needs by setting healthy boundaries and discussing them with your manager:

What is non-negotiable—things you won’t compromise on. These if not met will significantly impact your well-being.
What are some of the things you’re flexible about and willing to change if the situation demands it?
What kind of responsibilities can you handle and what kind of tasks do not align with your goals?
What are your limits—things you can realistically achieve.

Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
— Henry Cloud, Boundaries

Setting boundaries will send a clear signal to your manager on what you will and will not tolerate. If your manager refuses to respect them, it might be time to quit. Anything that compromises with your mental well-being isn’t worth it.

Summary

Working with an aggressive manager has pros and cons. On one hand, they can teach you valuable skills (resilience, negotiation, excellence) that can help you excel in your career. On the other hand, giving in to all their demands can make you exhausted, resentful and may even lead to burnout.
Understanding your manager’s intent is important because it helps you identify if your manager’s aggression is aligned with the desire to help you learn, grow and excel or they only care about achieving outcomes without any regard for its impact on your career.
The most likely feeling you develop when working with an aggressive manager is a sense of lack of control. You may feel like you have only two choices—either to agree to their demands or to quit. This thinking prevents you from finding productive ways to work with them. To develop a sense of control in difficult situations, shift from circle of control to circle of influence. Find out what you can do to influence their decision and what you must let go.
When communicating your disagreement or voicing your concern, pay special attention to your words. How you speak to them plays a crucial role in determining whether your message is taken constructively or it’s misconstrued and then used in a negative way towards you.
A great way to seek your manager’s attention is to ask for their advice. It makes them more likely to hear your ideas, concerns or suggestions and agree on a solution that’s aligned with your goals.
Don’t blame your aggressive manager for not respecting your boundaries if you haven’t explicitly communicated them. Defining boundaries with them ensures they pay attention to your needs instead of defaulting to what they deem right or assume is good for your growth.

Communication Archives - TechTello

How To Stay Centered Around Difficult People

Emotionally detach → “Separate the person from the problem”

Keep a neutral tone → “Speak calm, stay calm”

Use assertive body language → “Lead with your posture”

Pause before you speak → “Be intentional, not impulsive”

Prepare Before You Walk In → “Get ready before it gets hard”

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Check if it’s a temporary thing

Discuss expectations and hold them accountable

Setup daily or bi-weekly sync up

Give direct feedback when things don’t improve

Keep their manager in the loop

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How to Speak to People You Disagree With

Listen before you speak, show you value their opinion

Don’t use emotive language or loaded words

Use questions to guide the conversation instead of jumping to conclusions

Try to influence their decision, not to change their mind

Keep the conversation on track by reiterating over the end goal

Walk away if it isn’t worth it

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Relentless combativeness

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Compulsive charm

Paralyzing shutdown

Ironic shield

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Schedule consciously

Have a clear agenda

Set the ground rules

Give everyone a chance to speak

End with clear action items and follow-ups

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Analyze their behavior

Feel in control, don’t react

Don’t take it personally

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Set boundaries

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The People Pleaser

The Naysayer

The Know-it-all

The Slacker

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The Perfectionist

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The Fixer

The Optimist

The Energizer

The Strategist

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Uncertainty and doubt

Over-apologizing

Tentative and non-committal

Minimizing language

Seeking approval and validation

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Bring goals into focus

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Empower your presence